Category Archives: t’Internet

Then again

Apologies if that last post sounded a bit bleak. Southendcockneyboy has just cheered me up immensely with this piercing bit of what the BBC is calling “debate”:

Get in there! United, United!

Seasoned commentators including Christopher Hitchens, George Monbiot and all those smart-arses with their blogs have so far been unforthcoming with a counterpoint, so compelling is Southendcockneyboy’s argument.

Nothing cheers me up like a good bit of debate.

Experts: they just don’t make ’em like they used to

Next time you’re writing a cheque for your licence fee, remember to seal it with a kiss for people like Chris Lake, expert on the cost of sending e-mails:

The cost of sending 1.8 million e-mails is about £6,000, estimates Chris Lake, editor of which advises people on internet strategy.

“Last week I had lunch with someone who sends out 180,000 a week as a newsletter, which cost him £600,” he says. “That would make it £6,000, but it could be much less or much more. Plus there are the resources to craft it and put it together.”

There are lots of variables so we can’t be sure, he says.

Thank God he had lunch with another idiot in time, otherwise where would we be now? Sheer guesswork from some pillock, that’s where. Imagine that.

I don’t know why they didn’t go straight to Guy Goma.

This could be the break I’ve been waiting for

I’ve just had a very enticing offer by e-mail. I can’t say too much in case someone steals my contact and beats me to the readies, suffice to say it was from a MRS CAROLINW (sic) WOZIMM, a good Christian lady from Nigeria who is rather sadly dying from “the cancer of the lungs”. To cut a very long story short, the unfortunate woman has a $9,000,000 inheritance to invest and wants me to have 25% of it! 5% will go on expenses, which sounds reasonable, and the remaining 70% “will be for the work of GOD”, which I have to say I find rather humbling.

All I need to send her is my bank account details and the money’s mine! She doesn’t even tell me how she knows me, but I’m guessing our great-grandfathers knew each other in the Boer war or something. That’s how I understand it usually happens.

Needless to say I can’t believe my luck. This time next week I’ll be obscenely rich and can finally wave a fond farewell to this fucking blog. Honestly, it’s been a pauper’s game, and never a word of thanks. Good riddance to the lot of you.

Harry Potter and the Internet Fruitcakes

Harry Potter and the Internet FruitcakesAmazon should ban people from leaving comments and ratings before a product is actually available. This would seem to me to be plain common sense. I mean honestly, just look at some of this crap:

5 stars It’ll be amazingness unrivalled!
It’ll be impossible for it to be bad – this is Harry Potter we’re talking about, guys, haha … it’s going to be GREAT! No question.

5 stars of course its going to be good
I know of many other people who are sure that Harry Potter and the ???????? will deserve five stars, to find them just type “harry potter fan fiction” into google. I got 1,950,000 results and its probably still growing. click on any harry potter fan fiction site, an look at the lists of authors. Probably every single person there is of the opinion that book 7 will deserve 5 stars and will rate it accordingly as and when it comes out.

5 starsthe end…
I’m very tempted to give five stars to it, because it’s bound to be great, but it wouldn’t be ABSOLUTELY honest, would it? So i tried just not to rate it, but that’s not allowed. SO, i have to resort to giving it 5 stars…

And just for balance:

3 starsdont get me wrong
the book will get five stars from me it will be awsome but the title will get zero

Grade-A nuts, the lot of them. They should be taken out and shot, or at least taught how to spell and punctuate.

Update: More Potter lunacy, this time from Royal Mail. Don’t be surprised when you hear your local post office is closing down this spring. The postal services have spending priorities just like everyone else, it’s just that theirs are informed by the logic of a madman.

I have frittered this five pounds like a fool

Just spent £5 on 60 minutes of hot-spot wi-fi action in a hotel room. Here’s what I’ve chosen to do with this wondrous gift:

  1. Collected my e-mail (1 spam – I checked it earlier at work)
  2. Uploaded a video of the hotel shower cubicle to YouTube
  3. Checked my comments on Flickr (1 new comment)
  4. Reloaded YouTube a few times – video’s uploaded but not appearing yet
  5. Checked tonight’s TV listings (nothing on)
  6. Tried YouTube in another browser. Still not appearing.
  7. Posted this crap

If anyone has any better ideas please can you mail them to me in the next 14 minutes?

The news, and how it sometimes makes you think

Seen today on the BBC News:

Lead story: Scores seized from Baghdad office

Also in the news: Giant truffle snapped up for £85,000

Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean, who wants to read about stolen sheet music when some Chinese lunatic has just spent the price of a new Jag on a fungus that looks like the Elephant Man’s head?

Get over yourselves, BBC.

MySpace My Dairy-Arse

I just signed up for MySpace – not for one of their poxy horrible “blog” things, you understand, purely for experimentation purposes. Anyway, you’ve got to admire their efforts to keep the web free of colour blind people. Just imagine that – the colour blind preying on your kiddies and everything. It’s enough to make the flesh creep.

Anti-colour blind measures in force at MySpace

Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.

Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.

AOS: Blogrot withdraws revolutionary new information service

It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Knighthood not enough for you is it?

Smug git.


Quick! Ooh! Everyone get over-excited! Google’s buying a SPACESHIP! Let’s run around squealing! Let’s call it Space 2.0! Ooh, I like that! Let’s tell everyone! Googlegooglegoogle!

I hope you’ll forgive my scepticism, I’ve had a long day. Plus I’ve managed to get hold of a photo of what’s really going on inside Google’s secret hangar, “Building 43”.


Centre de Recherche on Donkey Testicles

Google’s new Code Search feature is good news for software developers who want to avoid reinventing the wheel by finding an existing solution to a problem. It’s even better news for software developers (or anyone else for that matter) who are bored on a Friday afternoon and want to look up some rude words.

A couple of my favourites to date, hidden deep inside the source code that powers the world’s computers:

Searching for testicles
# FrSIRT 24/24 & 7/7 - Centre de Recherche on Donkey Testicles.
# Free 14 day Testicle licking trial available!

Searching for bollocks
A note: the CTCP protocol sucks bollocks. If I ever meet the fellow who
came up with it, I'll shave their head and tattoo obscenities on it.

But the best ones combine swearing with technical jargon in a way that is almost poetic, for example:
/* this is one of the fucking FPU tables out of the 00-BH range */
/* did I mention how much I hate Intel? Fucking wankers... */

Did Tennyson ever come up with such purity of expression? Did Wordsworth? Did Ayres?

I think not.