There was some fellow from Iceland on Radio 4 tonight going on about fisting quotas. Apparently there’s been too much fisting in the North Sea which has led to concerns that within as little as 10 years there will be no more fisting at all. It will just be impossible to fist.
Took me a while to realise he was talking about fishing. Honestly, they should teach them to speak properly before they let them on the radio. I’m having trouble sleeping now.
Celebrity arsehole Gordon Ramsay has not, it transpires, been burning his meatballs. The greens have not been overcooked in his meat and two veg. He remains a novice in the preparation of Grilled Cod Surprise.
A top UK judge made this astonishing pronouncement today, as pictured here by the BBC. He claims Q-Tips are a valuable source of protein and should be “force-fed to every man, woman and child in Britain”, along with beef brains and lead paint from China which apparently are “good for the backbone”.
See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.
The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.
The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.
Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”
I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.
Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean, who wants to read about stolen sheet music when some Chinese lunatic has just spent the price of a new Jag on a fungus that looks like the Elephant Man’s head?
I bought one of course. When I think of all those unseasoned meals I’ve eaten during power cuts… that dreadful stroganoff from the total eclipse of ’98… but there’s no point in dwelling on these things.
Hey, see that story in the news about the jelly security alert in Germany? Yeah, that was me. I knew it would shit them up a bit. Far too serious about stuff like that, the Germans.
Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.
Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.
I’m off to a stag do in Leeds this weekend. Below is a list of challenges set before the groom-to-be by his best man. I apologise if you find any of this offensive. I certainly do. In fact, I’m thinking of not going.
Eat a vindaloo
Wear fancy dress to the cricket – outfit to be arranged by the best man
Get a picture with either a member of the emergency services or a tramp
Down a pint of Whitelocks (real ale bar) strongest ale in one
Get a kiss off a blonde, brunette, redhead, short haired and long haired woman (no tongues)
Acquire an item of female underwear (Best bet for this is a trade with a hen on a hen night so my advice is to wear some old grollies that you don’t mind losing)
Use the following chat up lines at least 3 times on different birds
Do you the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job? No? Fancy meeting up for lunch tomorrow?
Reckon I could snatch a kiss tonight? Or even better vice versa?
Lets play Titanic – when I shout “iceberg” you go down
Go into a small newsagents and ask them if they sell fridge freezers, when they look at you as if you are stupid or say no, say what about Washer dryers then? Leave quickly before they call the police.
Walk up to the receptionist at the hotel, say you just put £2 in the condom machine in the gents and it didn’t work and could she sort you out.
NB The suggestion of the groom walking into a bar holding a Cornish pasty above his head shouting “I’ve got a bomb!” failed to make the list on account of its likelihood of him getting arrested.