Category Archives: Food & Drink

Fisting quotas

There was some fellow from Iceland on Radio 4 tonight going on about fisting quotas. Apparently there’s been too much fisting in the North Sea which has led to concerns that within as little as 10 years there will be no more fisting at all. It will just be impossible to fist.

Took me a while to realise he was talking about fishing. Honestly, they should teach them to speak properly before they let them on the radio. I’m having trouble sleeping now.

All UK “must eat more Q-Tips”

qtips.jpgA top UK judge made this astonishing pronouncement today, as pictured here by the BBC. He claims Q-Tips are a valuable source of protein and should be “force-fed to every man, woman and child in Britain”, along with beef brains and lead paint from China which apparently are “good for the backbone”.

See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.

The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.

It’s just not cricket

It's just not cricket

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

What right do I, an Englishman, have to demand yellow bananas in February?

Green bananas at Tesco todayI was in half a mind to bring Tesco’s sorry arrangement of bananas to the attention of the authorities today. Greener than Kermit’s left bollock, the whole damn lot of them.

But then I stopped and thought: what right do I, an Englishman, have to demand yellow bananas in February?

I wish I had a wider point to make here about globalisation or the environmental impact of air freight, but I don’t really. I just thought it was interesting, the whole thing with the bananas.

Mr Kipling doesn’t make exceedingly good cakes – he just dips sponge scourers in detergent

Do not, under any circumstance, eat a Mr Kipling Delightful Lemon Slice, for they are the work of the devil.

They are not delightful at all. And don’t be fooled by the slice of lemon depicted on the packaging. They have all the lemony goodness of a sponge scourer marinated in Fairy liquid.

Satan comes in the guise of a lemony cake, but is not lemony cake
Satan comes in the guise of a lemony cake, but is not lemony cake

Don’t be fooled as I was. Believe me, it’s better to just be fat.

Lemon drizzle my arse.

The news, and how it sometimes makes you think

Seen today on the BBC News:

Lead story: Scores seized from Baghdad office

Also in the news: Giant truffle snapped up for £85,000

Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean, who wants to read about stolen sheet music when some Chinese lunatic has just spent the price of a new Jag on a fungus that looks like the Elephant Man’s head?

Get over yourselves, BBC.

Ignore my desserts at your peril, Western imperialist scum

JellyHey, see that story in the news about the jelly security alert in Germany? Yeah, that was me. I knew it would shit them up a bit. Far too serious about stuff like that, the Germans.

Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.

Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.

Not big or clever

I’m off to a stag do in Leeds this weekend. Below is a list of challenges set before the groom-to-be by his best man. I apologise if you find any of this offensive. I certainly do. In fact, I’m thinking of not going.

  1. Eat a vindaloo
  2. Wear fancy dress to the cricket – outfit to be arranged by the best man
  3. Get a picture with either a member of the emergency services or a tramp
  4. Down a pint of Whitelocks (real ale bar) strongest ale in one
  5. Get a kiss off a blonde, brunette, redhead, short haired and long haired woman (no tongues)
  6. Acquire an item of female underwear (Best bet for this is a trade with a hen on a hen night so my advice is to wear some old grollies that you don’t mind losing)
  7. Use the following chat up lines at least 3 times on different birds
    1. Do you the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job? No? Fancy meeting up for lunch tomorrow?
    2. Reckon I could snatch a kiss tonight? Or even better vice versa?
    3. Lets play Titanic – when I shout “iceberg” you go down
  8. Go into a small newsagents and ask them if they sell fridge freezers, when they look at you as if you are stupid or say no, say what about Washer dryers then? Leave quickly before they call the police.
  9. Walk up to the receptionist at the hotel, say you just put £2 in the condom machine in the gents and it didn’t work and could she sort you out.

NB The suggestion of the groom walking into a bar holding a Cornish pasty above his head shouting “I’ve got a bomb!” failed to make the list on account of its likelihood of him getting arrested.

I’ll report back soon.