Don’t miss Fat Disabled Gypsy Thieving Bastards On Benefits tonight, 9pm on Channel 4. Bit of an attention-grabbing title, granted, but it’s actually a very sensitive look into the problems faced by the working classes in Cameron’s Britain. At least that’s what the press release says.
Also don’t miss Gold-Digging Fake-Tanned Chav Filth On Ecstasy straight after it on More4. Same production team.
But I’ll be watching Extreme Fishing With Robson Green on five. If there’s one thing I love more than Robson Green it’s fishing, and there’s no fishing like extreme fishing. Did you see it last week when he caught that fish and then put it back and then caught it again and then put it back again? TV magic.
Robson prepares to catch a tiddler “the extreme way”. That son of a gun won’t know what’s hit it! Yee-ha!
The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.
Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”
I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.
Watched a bit of CBeebies with the kids this morning and realised just how infiltrated it has become by Scottish. Honestly, you can’t leave your children in front of the telly for more than a few hours these days without a Scottish rearing its insidious head and whispering poison in their ear: Balamory, Me Too, Bits and Bobs, Brum… the list goes on, all populated by the inanely grinning descendants of William Wallace.
Forget the Midlothian Question. This isn’t about the ballot box any more – they’re getting their hands on them far younger now. We must join together and stem this evil tide before it is too late. They can mesmerise our toddlers with their brightly coloured houses and funny voices, but they’ll never take away… our freedom!
“Granny Murray” – harmless cross-dressing presenter of Me Too! or undercover freedom fighter for the SNP?
I’m only kidding, of course: many of my best friends are Scottish. (But not for much longer if they don’t pay me that five quid they owe me.)
The BBC has today decided to make a clean fist of things by issuing a list of apologies for all the other stuff it’s made up in the name of state-funded fact. The list includes:
The “vast Inca city” discovered beneath Huddersfield by Alan Titchmarsh on Time Team was in fact a landfill site in Dewsbury, strewn with turkey bones and cheap jewellery.
Recent reports on the Litvinenko case, purporting to show photographs of prime suspect Andrei Lugovoi, actually used library shots of Christopher Timothy from All Creatures Great and Small.
The adventures of “time lord” Doctor Who, including a trip to the end of the universe some several trillion years in the future, were all clever fakes.
The “Bruce Forsyth” seen presenting recent episodes of Strictly Come Dancing is a hologram. (Watch the footage carefully and you’ll see his hand doesn’t quite line up properly every time he slaps Tess Daly’s arse.) The real Bruce’s knees gave out in 1986.
Recent footage on the Barrymore case was “sexed up” by BBC executives and contained a number of untruths. For example, Barrymore is frequently referred to as an “entertainer”.
Despite recent statements from the BBC, the Queen is indeed a mardy old trout.
I often find it helps to have a couple of Emergency Conversation Topics handy for when you hit one of those embarrassing silences amongst a group of friends. ECTs can either be memorised or if, like me, you’re a bit forgetful, you can write them down on a small piece of paper which you keep in your pocket. If you go for the latter I recommend a bit of practice in front of a mirror on your cribbing technique. For example, I usually sneak it out under the table with my right hand whilst exaggeratedly checking my watch with the left – that kind of thing. (Paul Daniels refers to this practice as “palming” – not to be confused with Debbie McGee’s practice of palming, which is something else.)
Anyway, without further ado, here’s the first ECT:
ECT #1: Isn’t that Gordon Burns off The Krypton Factor?
This one’s a cracker – completely fail safe, as you will see. It’s based around a few basic premises:
Gordon Burns could be in any place at any time.
The majority of middle-aged men are easily mistaken for Gordon Burns.
Everyone loved the Krypton Factor.
Just combine any of those facts and I’m sure you can already begin to see what a great ECT this is. Ignoring for now the possibility that you really have just spotted Gordon Burns, in which case all ECTs are unnecessary, you simply have to point at any middle-aged man with his back to you and away you go. Everyone will turn to look, at which point one of two things will happen:
The man will keep his back turned while you enjoy a prolonged “is he/isn’t he?” type debate.
The man turns towards you in which case you follow up with, “Oh… no.. he just.. you know… from a certain angle… hey, the Krypton Factor though? Whatever happened to that?”
This will then get everyone talking about their favourite sequences in the Krypton Factor (The zip wire? The giant shape puzzles? The general knowledge round? etc.). If you’re in the Manchester/Liverpool area you might also try reminiscing on memorable episodes of North West Tonight. If not, try the conspiracy theory that the Krypton Factor was shut down by Islamo-fascists inside the UK government for being too close to their own training camps.
They say that his response to that Diana thing was the making of him, but just look how quickly Blair pushes Steve Irwin off the front pages to peddle his own obscene agenda. Mark my words, these are his true colours coming through now.
For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??
Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday