Category Archives: Music

On the bright side, at least my hair looks great

diana.jpgI was washing my hair today so unfortunately had to miss the Diana concert at Wembley. However, the BBC has delivered a typically sterling account of proceedings which I’m sure is every bit as rousing as actually being there. Why not join in the fun atmosphere of the day by seeing if you can complete the following extract:

Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone, Lily Allen and Duran Duran are among the eclectic line-up.

It is 10 years since…

The answer, surprisingly, is “the princess died in a car crash in Paris in August 1997”, and not “any of them sold a record”.

Lembit Öpik has left Siân Lloyd for one of the Cheeky Girls

No seriously. Lembit Öpik has left Siân Lloyd for one of the Cheeky Girls.

We do know each other from two months, but didn’t actually go out together only from two weeks now.

said the Cheeky Girl.

I was going to do a picture or a joke to go with it but then I thought, why should I? Think up your own joke for a change. Go on, piss off.

King Kong Merrily On High

Went to see the infant school Christmas play this morning. The director was clearly a classic surrealist in the tradition of Dali. Anyone who can introduce Mr Incredible and a team of scorpions into the Christmas story without so much as flinching has to be some kind of genius.

Not that I’m taking anything away from the performances, mind. The guy who played Scooby Doo really made the role his own.

Ho Ho Hobgoblin!

Ho Ho Hobgoblin! Santa on his sleigh as re-imagined by Year 2

Lady in John Hurt

Irish crooner Chris de Burgh has paid 30 grand for the chest-burster from Alien. (Chris is the one at the top.)

He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.

Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:

Chris and 'Little Chris'Lady In John Hurt

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmm

I’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hide

I have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond belief

The Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out

I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.

MySpace My Dairy-Arse

I just signed up for MySpace – not for one of their poxy horrible “blog” things, you understand, purely for experimentation purposes. Anyway, you’ve got to admire their efforts to keep the web free of colour blind people. Just imagine that – the colour blind preying on your kiddies and everything. It’s enough to make the flesh creep.

Anti-colour blind measures in force at MySpace

Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.

Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.

Do The Hood Thing (Right At The Back)

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present my latest movie. This one’s a music video entitled Do The Hood Thing (Right At The Back):

Music by Nokia.
Vocals by Hannah and Lauren.
Snorting by Nicola.
Shapes by Me.

Update: At time of writing (about 5 minutes after posting the video) its two most “related” items on YouTube are entitles NIGGAZ HAVIN FUN and Booty basics #1. I think that’s what we call a result.

Phlegm, Luminous Phlegm!

I’m currently in the simultaneous throes of a nasty cold and a dose of conjunctivitis. Call me slow, but I’ve never considered the potential of this rare combination before. I don’t know, I just seem to have had other things on my mind. Anyway, I went to see the optician this morning, during the course of which she put a drop of yellow dye in each eye. But even then the wonderful synergy of my interconnected illnesses did not occur to me. No, it wasn’t until an hour or so later that the joy was revealed to mine own eyes when, during a particularly harsh coughing fit, out slid a slippery gobbet of luminous yellow phlegm!

stabilo.jpgLuminous yellow, you hear! Not just greeny-yellow like your everyday, common-or-garden lung butter. This was Stabilo Boss yellow, and a beautiful thing it was. Sadly I disposed of it before I thought to get my camera out but I’ve included a picture of a highlighter pen to give you the gist of it. Somehow even that fails to capture it though.*

For the rest of the day I’ve had a little ditty going round my head to the tune of Food, Glorious Food:

Phlegm, luminous phlegm!
Looks rather like custard.
Pure, glittering gem!
Yellower even than mustard!

There’ll be more, I’m just getting the chorus right first. I’ve got this great vision of a stage full of urchins with their little gruel bowls, chirping away for another glimpse of the lemon-yellow slug recently coughed up by their runny-eyed master. You’ve seen Oliver!, now see Bacterial Conjunctivitis! The Musical. No, wait: The Mucusal!

Man, this is going to be huge…

* Update: it looked a lot like one of these.

Celebrity Pig Onanist In Talent Deficit Shocker

Rebecca and a friend attend a premiere recentlyIn an amazing coincidence, ITV has exclusively revealed that the renowned livestock pleasurer Rebecca Loos sings like a hog being brought to climax.

Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”

The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:

She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.

Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”

Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.

Cockney rhyming slang

Blunt“The only problem other songwriters can possibly have with James Blunt,” writes Tom Robinson, “is that he’s successful.”

Tom, allow me to respond with a few words from the man himself:

From birth in a military hospital in Tidworth, to Harrow School, to Aerospace Manufacturing Engineering, to the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, to The Household Cavalry, to Kosovo, to Buckingham Palace, to a recording studio in Los Angeles. How did James get from there to here? Only James Blunt’s hairdresser knows for certain, and either he isn’t talking or James cuts his own hair, and it’s up to you to join the dots – there are ten of them on the album.

I’m sure you can see what I’m getting at.