And I don’t even know what an oligarch is

As a responsible member of the press I wholeheartedly condemn the disgraceful behaviour of the party I don’t support in consorting with Russian oligarchs on their yachts in warm climates and there conducting all manner of underhand and quite probably illegal activities. I am determined to get to the bottom of it.

At the same time, I am delighted to hear that the party I do support has conducted a thorough review of all its dealings with Russian oligarchs on their yachts and has found all allegations of impropriety to be entirely groundless. I trust this will be the end of the matter.