Imagine if you had two rabbits, yeah, and they were both called Penny, and you were dropping one of them off at the train station, right, and then her owner said, “Let’s go and pick up Penny,” but you thought she meant Penny the pasta!!

It turns out she was referring to penne. Hannah laughed so hard she almost choked.

Joke 1
Q. How do you make anti-freeze?
A. Lock her in the fridge.

[Aside: One of my earliest memories is wondering why this joke got such a big laugh when I didn't even understand it. The reason, it turned out, was because I was asking "How do you make granny freeze?". I was just wondering where Lauren got such a well-polished joke from when out tumbled another one.]

Joke 2
Q. Why did the prawn go out with the fig?
A. Because he couldn’t get a date.

I loved that one, especially the nicely random prawn touch.

It was at this point that Hannah came running in, clutching the Puffin’s Brilliantly Big Bumper Joke Book, and shouted, “No, Lauren, it’s prune!”

The Happy Adventures of Hannah and Lauren from Mark Whitaker on Vimeo

“Daddy,” said Hannah, “what would you rather have had: girls or boys?”

Well there’s only one way you can answer a question like that, and Hannah knew it.

“Ooh, boys,” I said, dreamily. “It’d be great! Just think, we could watch Star Wars every day, we could…”

“You’re fired!” said Hannah, spun round and strutted out of the room, where she and Lauren proceeded to fall about chuckling.

Hannah and Lauren are on school holidays this week so today, in a break from preparing to decorate their bedroom pink, we made some milkshake. (Are you perhaps seeing a colour theme developing here?)

The girls had to hold still while I fussed with my camera for ages, so by the time I was ready and said “Go!” they drained the glass in under ten seconds.

This morning, as they were getting dressed, they wanted to know about mammals. No, actually, that’s a lie: Hannah wanted to shave her arms because they’re “all hairy” and we sort of managed to divert the issue by talking about mammals. I told them all mammals have hair all over their bodies.

“What, even pigs?”

Yes, I said, even pigs.

“Even whales?”

Even whales. (Please don’t correct me if I’m wrong: I’m a parent, not a zoologist. Remember the primary aim here was not to educate, it was to prevent shaving.)

“Even monkeys?” And so on.

I asked them if they knew the two other things that all mammals have in common. They ummed and ahhed for a bit. Nicola hinted it had something to do with babies.

“They all like babies?” said Lauren.

No, we said. Think about what they give birth to…

“Kittens?” said Hannah.

I think at this point we gave them the live young vs. eggs thing as a freebie. (It was getting close to school time.) This just left the milk thing.

“Think about the little piglets we saw at the farm,” I suggested.

“It’s got something to do with boobies…” hinted Nicola.

“And babies…” I added.

“Oh, I know,” said Hannah with a confident nod, “babies don’t have boobies!”

“And neither do piglets!” chimed Lauren.

Genius.

The King awoke one morning to the sound of great commotion coming from the drawing room beneath his bedchamber.

“Oh bother,” thought the King, “whatever can be the matter?” And without further ado he swung his legs out of the bed, slid them into his royal slippers and reached for his royal dressing gown.

On entering the drawing room the King was confronted with the most distressing of scenes. The Queen was sat between the two Princesses, both of whom were a-wailing and a-howling as if the sky had just fallen down. The poor Queen was trying to calm them with kind words, but seemingly to no avail. “Things break, my darlings,” she was explaining to her daughters as the King entered the scene, “things always break.”

“Now then!” announced the King gruffly (for there was little that pleased the King less than being roused from his slumber by the silliness of his Princesses), “what in heaven can have caused such a terrible hullabaloo?”

“Oh Papa,” cried one of the Princesses, whose name was Lauren, “our shoes, Papa!” She was scarce able to speak through a face that was a veritable mask of misery and mucus. “Look at our shoes!”

The King cast his glance in the direction of Princess Lauren’s outstretched finger and there he beheld two pairs of little dancing shoes, each shoe in the most wretched state of disrepair. He crouched down to inspect them at closer quarters.

“And pray what,” he inquired at length, “has turned your little Highnesses’ royal shoes to such sorry, ruined articles, as might be found in any of the paupers’ houses down in the village?”

There was a pause and then the other Princess, whose name was Hannah, said quietly, “Dancing, Papa. Too much dancing.”

The King thought for a moment. As a ruler he was feared throughout his Kingdom, but he had rather a soft spot for his little Princesses, and he had to admit, their dancing did always seem to fill his heart with the lightest and warmest of feelings.

“Tell me,” he said to the Queen, “does not the merchant in the village, Mr Tesco, sell dancing shoes?”

“I believe he does, my dear,” replied the Queen, but behind her the two little Princesses were nodding so vigorously that the King could tell at once that the answer was beyond doubt.

“And please, Papa,” said Princess Hannah, “I believe that Mr Disney in the centre of Trafford also sells the most beautiful dancing shoes!”

“Yes,” chimed her sister, “at eight ducats a pair!”

“Eight ducats?!” exclaimed the King. “Do you believe me to be made of money? Perhaps you fancy that, when I turn the tap in my bathroom of a morning, it is not water that flows forth from it but ducats!”

The Princesses went rather quiet again. “Well my dear,” said the Queen, “you are the King.”

“Very well,” sighed the King, “so be it. Have one of the servants ride down to the village and inquire at the premises of Mr Tesco and Mr Disney about new dancing shoes.”

But his pronouncement was not met with the joy the King had expected. Indeed, he had rarely in life seen a threesome of more downcast faces.

“But my dear,” said the Queen, “we have no servants.”

“No servants?!” roared the King. “What madness is this? I am the King!”

The Queen responded with an embarrassed shrug.

“Very well,” said the King, “in that case fetch my valet, Richards. He will not receive the news at all well, but Richards will have to ride down to the village to fetch the shoes.”

“Richards does not exist, my dear,” said the Queen, scarcely meeting his eye. “He is a mere figment of your imagination.”

The King looked about him in sheer astonishment. He was beginning to wonder if he had indeed been woken up at all this morning, or whether he was in fact still in his warm feather bed in the grip of some horrendous night fright. He rubbed his eyes and pinched himself firmly on his royal rump, but alas, none of it seemed to alter the situation. At length he groaned in despair.

“I can see I have no choice,” he grumbled. “Princesses, dress yourselves promptly. I shall ride you into the village myself, to the premises of Mr Tesco and, if need be, Mr Disney.”

And there was great rejoicing.

Today is the 3rd of December. They’re supposed to be going to bed.

The next 22 days are what makes or breaks a man. Wish me luck.

Lauren: Daddy, from now on my name is Nerual! [pronounced to rhyme with Beryl]
Me: OK Nerual.
Lauren: And your name is Kram!
Me: OK.

[Perfectly timed pause]

Hannah: You can just call me Hannah.

Two conversations overheard this morning. First, Before:

Lauren (on toy mobile phone): Hi, is that Hannah?
Hannah (also on toy mobile phone, about 1 foot away): Yes
Lauren: Are you a nurse as well?
Hannah: Yeah, I am actually.
Lauren: Good, ’cause I need your help. I’m having a baby!
Hannah: OK. When’s it due?
[Thud of Lauren hitting the floor]
Lauren: RIGHT NOW!!

And then, After:

Hannah: There you go, there’s your little baby.
Lauren: Is it a boy or a girl?
Hannah: Er… well, it’s just a baby really.

I’m beginning to doubt this postmistress’s obstetric qualifications.

For the record, the first tooth to come out was Lauren’s bottom right one, on 1 June 2007 - aged 6 years, 9 months and 23 days.

Lauren: Daddy, do you want to hear a really bad joke?
Me: OK.
Lauren: OK, so… what’s the difference about a witch…
Me: Between, Lauren. What’s the difference between.
Lauren: Oh yeah, OK, right… what’s the difference between a witch and…
Hannah: A biscuit!
Lauren: Hannah!
Me: Hannah, don’t interrupt, let Lauren tell her joke. Go on Lauren.
Lauren: OK, so, right, what’s the difference about a witch…
Me: Between.
Hannah: Stop interrupting Lauren, Daddy.
Me: Shush, Hannah.
Lauren: …between a witch and… erm…
Hannah: A biscuit!
Lauren/Me: HANNAH!!
Lauren: Hang on, it’s on my joke book… [fetches joke book]… Oh yeah, right: what’s the difference between a wizard and the letters K, A, S, M and E?
Me: I don’t know.
Lauren: One makes spells and the other spells MAKES!

It’s all in the timing.

Unfortunately I forgot to blog it until 2 April. Still… erm… April Fool!

All of this is pure theoretical physics, of course. I’m not convinced we’ve ever seen Zoom in our house, let alone A1. Hearing Hannah and Lauren talk about Z26 is like listening to Stephen Hawking on black holes: it all sounds very clever but you can’t quite imagine what it would actually look like.

I can only suppose it would be a bit like “VOOM” in The Cat In The Hat Comes Back: a tremendous release of energy, a blinding flash of light, and a fraction of a second later two girls would be standing there in their school uniforms, hair combed, shoes done up, coats on.

I can’t deny it sounds attractive, but their current method (lying on back, singing, reading, waving legs in air) probably causes less structural damage.

Click on it for the full story!

So far they have only learnt one note: that piercing one you get when you blow too hard with all holes uncovered.

Shriek! Shriek! Shriek-shriek-shriek!

Mike Oldfield this ain’t. I am approaching the point of despair.

A word from the wise: if your children ever come into posession of recorders, buy ear muffs or leave home.

1. Slow
2. Wide
3. Fast
4. Smart
5. Zoom

Rather than defining each one precisely the girls offered rather scattered titbits of information, a bit like one of those logic puzzles where you get mismatching information about a range of items and have to work out the rest. What I now know is the following:

• Wide is really slow, y’know, a bit dawdle-donkey, like with messing about and stuff.
• Slow is just lying on the floor daydreaming.
• Zoom is the fastest, where you just get dressed and no talking.
• Smart is faster than Fast but you’re allowed a bit of talking.
• Fast is what they normally do. (Note: I would never have chosen the word “fast” to describe it.)
• If you want to go to disco dancing after school on a Friday you have to do Zoom or Smart.
• This morning Lauren did Zoom but there is some disagreement over whether Hannah did Zoom or Smart.
• I definitely heard both of them talking.
• The whole system therefore appears dangerously corrupt.

Don’t tell them, but they’re going disco dancing anyway. It buys us a whole hour of peace and quiet.

In the meantime, here’s a montage of photos of their latest obsession, Jenga. They discovered it while we were visiting friends on a rainy Sunday afternoon last week and have been hooked ever since. (They also fell in love with Scrabble, but being less of a physical sport I didn’t take any photos of that.)