The girls and I were heading out to the chip shop the other day. There was some amount of hilarity going on in the back seat at the prospect of their fish and chips making them burp. (“I’m going to do a big burp!” – “I’m going to do a huge burp!” – that kind of thing.) So, understanding that the quickest way to a four-year-old’s heart is via the use of slightly rude words, I interrupted with the stern command: “Girls. You can have fish and chips as long as you promise… that you won’t burp… and won’t boff.”
There was a stony silence for a second or two, then Hannah gasped, “Ahhhh, you said a square-word!”
“Yes,” seconded Lauren, “Mummy said it’s very naughty to say square-words!”
“Like what?” I asked.
“We can’t say them!” came the reply.
“What, like boff?”
“Ahhhhhh!!”
“And burp?”
“No, burp’s not a square-word.”
“And bum?”
“Ahhhhhh!!”
This got us all the way to the chip shop: me trying out rude-ish words and seeing what reaction they got. By the time we arrived, we’d ascertained that boff, bum and winky were square-words, whilst burp, poo-poo and wee-wee were socially acceptable.
I still haven’t had the courage to ask Nicola what really prompted her to tell the girls about “square-words” – maybe because, somewhere deep down, I suspect I’m probably to blame.