Archive for the 'Funny' Category

Striking while the iron’s hot

Published on 28 March 2006 in AAARGHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!, Education, Funny and Maddening. 7 Comments

The girls are cock-a-hoop today because the dinner ladies’ strike means they can take lunch boxes to school… with eggy sandwiches. We’ve been resisting the pressure to switch from hot dinners to packed lunches for over a year now. Our argument is that making packed lunches takes time and will make us (even) late(r) for school in the mornings. Countering this is Hannah and Lauren’s considered position that but… but… but X takes packed lunches, and so does Y, and even Z doesn’t have hot dinners any more, and we’ve got pink lunch boxes with pictures of princesses on them, and awhh, it’s not fair!

You can see how finely balanced this thing is.

We’re expecting a full-on assault at home time tonight, with stories of how much fun they had, and how healthy they feel, and how honesly, the eggy sandwiches haven’t made them parp any more that usual. It’s going to be tough. Any suggestions for a counter-attack will be welcome, but please make it quick.

When I’m 64

Published on 23 March 2006 in Funny, Growing up, Pictures, Tech Dad and Touching. 1 Comment

Funny faceA conversation with one of the girls yesterday shortly after taking the attached photo with my cameraphone.

“I wish I had a phone like that.”
“You don’t need a phone, sweetheart, they’re only for grown-ups.”
“Where did you get it from?”
“From a shop.”
“Did they have another one exactly the same?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Well when I’m a mummy can you take me to that shop and show me so I can buy that one?”
“What a terrific idea. Of course I can.”

It’s lovely to think I’ll still be needed. An extra bonus point to the first reader who can correctly identify the twin in question… :-)

A little snuddle

Published on 21 March 2006 in Double trouble and Funny. Closed

I woke up early this morning, and on my way back from the bathroom a little voice from the girls’ room hissed, “Daddy!”. I peeped my head in and there was Hannah, sitting up in bed and beckoning me in. Lauren was fast asleep. It was nearly time for the alarm to go off, and neither of us were going to get back to sleep, so I climbed into Hannah’s bed for a cuddle. Just at that moment there was a stirring from the other bed.

“Look,” I said, “Lauren’s waking up.”

“Don’t worry,” whispered Hannah, quick as a flash, “I’ll hide you!” - upon which she pushed my head down under the quilt. I must point out that I wasn’t entirely at ease with the idea of defrauding Lauren of her cuddle, but I hadn’t been given much choice in the matter. However, I clearly wasn’t the only one having misgivings. “Daddy,” whispered Hannah, peeping her head under the quilt, “what about your feet?”

It was then that a sleepy voice murmured, “Daddy, what are you doing in Hannah’s bed?” The game was up. Hannah looked bereft. Fairness is a double-edged sword, as twins are all too aware, and at times the best a devious little mind can achieve is to ensure the situation is equally unfair to everyone. As I climbed out of one bed and into another, Hannah picked up a book and muttered threateningly, “I’ll read a bit of Cinderella while you give Lauren a little snuddle.”

A Beautiful Mind

Published on 13 March 2006 in Education and Funny. Closed

At the end of dinner tonight, Hannah (age 5, let’s not forget) proudly announced, “16 add 16 is 32!”

What slightly took the edge off this little moment of mathematical genius was the fact that moments earlier she had asked, “Is salmon made out of crabs?”

Can-you-do-that-to-meee???

Published on 9 March 2006 in AAARGHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!, Double trouble, Funny and Maddening. 3 Comments

I’ve tried to spell the title of this post as closely as I can to the way it sounds. I’m sure other parents of twins will recognise it straight away. It’s what Hannah and Lauren say when they detect that some kind of fun is going on that involves their sister but not them. Some examples:

Example 1: I pick Hannah up in the air - for no particular reason, other than that she’s small and cute. Hannah squeals with delight (oh yes, that’s why I do it). Lauren appears from the next room pleading, “Daddy, can-you-do-that-to-meee???”

Example 2: Whilst brushing Lauren’s teeth I let her stand on my feet. Lauren chuckles. Hannah is there in an instant, the plaintive cry already forming on her lips: “Can-you-do-that-to-meee???”

Example 3: It’s dinner time. Lauren is already at the table but Hannah is dawdling. I go and grab Hannah and swing her through the air towards the dining room. Lauren abandons her plate and jumps down from the table, with the heart-stopping realisation that she has just missed out on a momentary split second of fun. “Can-you-do-that-to-meee-Daddy???”

I could go on. It happens several times a day. It got so irritating that I started pre-empting it with my own rendition, complete with That Whingy Voice. All it’s achieved is that the girls now ask it in an imitation of my imitation of their whingy voice, which is at least twice as grating as the real thing.

I am convinced that, in the moment a soon-to-be-Lauren was plucked from her mother’s womb, a still-ensconced soon-to-be-Hannah took one look around her and thought, “Can-you-do-that-to-meee???“

Cute

Published on 7 March 2006 in Funny. Closed

Comment from Lauren yesterday, on seeing the new pictures at the top of this blog: “Lauren and Hannah, Mark and Simon. Oh, you two are so cute.” Whereupon she kissed me on the cheek.

Hear that, Simon? Cute. I think it’s acceptable to blur the facts a bit and just tell people that some blonde called you cute yesterday. Lauren won’t mind.

Two jokes

Published on 5 March 2006 in Funny. Closed

Two brand new jokes from Hannah and Lauren this lunch time.

Lauren’s joke
Q: Why didn’t the tortoise fly the kite?
A: Because he couldn’t fly it.

Hannah’s joke
Q: Why didn’t the elephant do the crossword?
A: Because he didn’t buy a newspaper.

Move over, French and Saunders, your days are numbered.

Career choices

Published on 19 February 2006 in Funny and Touching. 2 Comments

The girls were having a conversation yesterday about their future jobs.

Hannah: When I grow up I’m not going to work in a work [=office], I’m going to work at home.
Me: Don’t you think you might get a bit lonely?
Lauren: Well, when I grow up, I’m going to be a dentist, because they always have someone there to help them. And I like giving out stickers.
Hannah: Well I’m going to be a dentist too so I can be with Lauren.

How lovely. I do worry that neither of them has thought through the less sticker-related aspects of the job, though, such as root canal work.

Square words (part 2)

Published on 11 February 2006 in Funny, Maddening, Overheard and Trouble with words. Closed

At the age of five and a half, Hannah and Lauren’s grasp of “square words” is still not quite there. A conversation from earlier today:

Hannah: “Daddy, Lauren just said ‘pupils’!”
Lauren (in protest): Hannah started it!!

Weirdo

Published on 6 February 2006 in Funny and Trouble with words. Closed

A classic from Lauren yesterday:

“Daddy, I know what a weirdo is.”
“Oh yes? What is it?”
[Seriously] “Well, it’s a lady whose husband has died.”

Smaller than a mouse’s whisker

Published on 16 January 2006 in AAARGHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!, Funny and Overheard. 1 Comment

We recently went to visit my brother’s family, including our niece Beti. Beti is nine, and Hannah and Lauren idolise her. She’s a wonderful girl - funny and sensible in just the right proportions - but sadly, in the company of Hannah and Lauren, she occasionally deteriorates into a third cackling loony.

We were driving out somewhere, and for reasons that were never fully explained to me I was taking the three girls while the other adults all got to go in a separate car. En route, we drove past one of those dinky little Smart cars.

“Look at that car!” said a voice from the back seat. “It’s smaller than a person!”

There followed a good minute of helpless cackling.

“Yeah,” said another voice, “it’s smaller than a dog!”

More cackling. Now Beti chipped in.

“It’s smaller than a rabbit!”

And so on. The smaller it got, the funnier it got - mouse, grasshopper, ladybird, drop of blood (!), until eventually we got to “smaller than a mouse’s whisker”. At that point the back seat finally fell quiet as three little brains tried to think of something even smaller than a mouse’s whisker. I began to wonder if Beti had encountered any microsocopic life forms in her science lessons yet, but I needn’t have bothered. One of the twins happily provided the answer to the conundrum.

“It’s smaller than Daddy’s winky!”

My attempts to stop the game at this point were ignored.

It was only later that the paradox occurred to me: that my “winky” is alleged to be not only smaller than a mouse’s whisker, but also (if we re-examine the original premise) larger than a car. This is hardly the blog to discuss such things in detail, suffice to say I would happily settle for somewhere in between.

The Ghost Boy!! ~:-o

Published on 28 December 2005 in Funny and Pictures. 3 Comments

Before Christmas, Nicola and I went to see Hannah and Lauren’s school play – a charming production entitled The Bossy Christmas Fairy. We were on the second row from the front and I had my camera with me.

Hannah and Lauren’s class were on stage, and I was taking pictures. Neither of us saw anything strange at the time, although I do distinctly remember, at one point, feeling a strange chill pass over the back of my neck. Unusual, I thought, for a December day, with the main door to the playground ajar behind us, but at the time I thought no more about it.

It was some days before I got a chance to have my roll of film developed. (Just run with me on this one, OK?) I returned to the chemist’s days later to pick up the photos, and again, I felt the same eerie chill, just as I opened the door to leave. At the time, of course, I thought nothing of it.

I returned home and made myself a cup of tea. I took it with me into my study, lit a cigar and peeled open the film developer’s envelope. At that precise moment I felt a most unsettling chill run right down my spine, back up again, then back down again. Of course, at the time I thought etc etc.

And then, leafing through the photos I came to this one:
THE GHOST BOY!!

I need hardly tell you how startled I was by the image of the little boy, pale and ghostly, going the opposite way to everyone else… DISEMBODIED!!!

Once I had poured a glass of port and composed myself, I telephoned the school. In quivering tones I asked the secretary my question and after a few moments she returned with the answer. The answer I had been dreading. I barely had the breath to thank her before hanging up.

In the school, in that very room, on that very stage - one year to the day before I took my photograph….. there had been a school play. And yes, a little boy had appeared in it. Several, in fact, at least one of whom, I have no doubt, ventured at some point from the left end of the stage to the right…

Of course, at the time, I thought nothing of it.

The Special Spoon

Published on 30 October 2005 in AAARGHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!, Double trouble, Funny, Maddening and Pictures. 7 Comments

In our kitchen drawer we have many teaspoons. Moreover, we’ve been able to identify four different types of teaspoon within our collection, a testament to the many that have escaped into the wild over the years and had to be replaced with mismatching ones.

Of these four types, three are recurrent within the collection. The fourth, however, is unique. There is only one of the Fourth Type Of Spoon. Its comrades have long since departed for the great cutlery drawer in the sky. It is the lone survivor.

This fact has not escaped the attention of Hannah and Lauren, who have accorded this spoon the highest of honours. It has become… The Special Spoon. For eating yoghurts there is simply no contest: the Special Spoon is The One.

Note: Two girls. One Special Spoon. (Tell me if I’m ladling this on a bit thick.)

All manner of deviousness can now be observed at yoghurt-eating time, as the girls compete for the ultimate eating experience in which there can be only one victor. For example:

Lauren: Daddy, Hannah’s got the special spoon!
Hannah: But Lauren had it yesterday!
Lauren (starting to cry): No I didn’t, Hannah did!
Hannah: I didn’t! Honestly, Daddy!
Lauren: And she’s got the special pants on!*
Me: Right, Hannah, if you’ve got the special pants you can give Lauren the special spoon.
Hannah: Gwmph. (Sound of spoon being popped into mouth.)
Lauren: But it’s got her germs on it now! (Tears.)
Me: Hannah, give it to me. (Spoon is seized.) Lauren, shall I wash it for you?
Lauren shakes head woefully.
Hannah (brightly): I’ll have it, Daddy!
Me: Hannah, get a spoon and eat your yoghurt.

After all this ritual kerfuffle, you would be forgiven for imagining that the Special Spoon has some kind of compelling aesthetic properties that set it aside from mere normal spoons. Perhaps it’s got a handle in the shape or a cat? Or a picture of Barbie on it? Perhaps it has a unique shape to the bowl that somehow makes yoghurts taste better?

Nothing of the sort. And here I throw open to you, the readers, the Special Spoon Challenge! The first person to correctly identify the special spoon from the collection below wins a very special prize!**

* Oh yes, there are special knickers too. They’re tatty and pink with a yellow cat on. Don’t get me started.
** (May contain germs and traces of yoghurt but you can always wash it.)

Approaching infinity

Published on 25 August 2005 in Education, Funny and Maddening. 2 Comments

Getting dressed this morning, the girls decided to put me on the spot with some rapid-fire arithmetic.

Lauren: Daddy, what makes three and three?
Me (blearily): What…?
Hannah: Six!
[Much chuckling and cackling ensues because they beat me to it and I am a dunce.]
Hannah: Daddy, what makes… four… and four?
Lauren: Eight!
[Shrieks of laughter at expense of village idiot.]
Lauren: What makes… nine and nine?!

[Pause.]

Hannah: Daddy, what makes nine and nine?
Me: Eighteen.
Hannah: Oh.
[They chuckle for reasons best know to themselves.]
Hannah: What makes… ten and ten?
Lauren: Infinity?
Me: No, twenty.
Lauren: So, what makes a hundred and a hundred?
Hannah: Infinity?
Me: No, two hundred.
Lauren: Is two hundred and two hundred inifinity?

And so on. I can see this taking some time.

Porcupines

Published on 17 August 2005 in Funny, Overheard and Trouble with words. 2 Comments

A conversation I overheard yesterday from the next room:

Hannah: Mummy? Do you know what porcupines are?
Nicola: Yes.
Hannah: What are they then?
Nicola: Well, they’re animals with lots of spikes, a bit like hedgehogs.
[Confused pause.]
Hannah: So why do people say “Don’t tell porcu-pines”?
Nicola: No, sweetheart, that’s porky pies. It means lies: don’t tell lies.
Hannah [penny dropping]: Ohhh!

Aside: Friends and family will know that porcupines (or one porcupine in particular) will have a special significance for Hannah one day. She just doesn’t know that yet. :-)