The Twins of the Father

We were on holiday in Spain recently. We stayed in a static caravan that had a round badge on one side with the holiday company’s logo on it. Anyone who’s ever met a four-year-old will know that every sentence they utter begins with “Why…”, and the sad fact is that the vast majority cannot easily be followed with a sentence beginning “Because…”. (Two examples that spring to mind are “Why is Spain blue?” and “Why has Mummy gone for a wee-wee?”)

Anyway, back to the caravan. Hannah sat outside one day, looking thoughtfully at the holiday company logo, and then asked: “Why has that circle on our caravan got three ‘wuhs’ on it?” - “wuhs”, of course, in the four-year-old phonetic alphabet, being Ws.

Oh happy day. Oh happy father.

Perhaps as recently as six months ago I would have glossed over this question like so many others, judging that the girls were not yet old enough to fathom the complex logistics of a global information network reaching into all of our homes. But now, blinded perhaps by some kind of mad holiday euphoria, I decided to have a stab at it. We started with a tour of the caravan, discovering the mysterious mark of “three wuhs” on items as diverse as Mummy’s book, Daddy’s hat, and the mayonnaise.

“Now then,” I said, sitting them both down. I imagined they must have felt a bit like the bloke in The Matrix when he starts to realise the whole world is not as he had thought. “Do you know what the three wuhs mean?”

Two heads slowly shook, slack-jawed with bewilderment. I savoured the moment then spoke again.

“Well… er… you know when we get CBeebies on the computer?”

Nod. Nod.

“Well… it’s bit like that really. You can get the caravan on the computer. Or Mummy’s book.”

Blankness.

“Well, pictures of them really…”

Outside, a tumbleweed drifted past. It was beginning to dawn on me just what I’d embarked on.

“Can we do CBeebies on the ‘puter now?” asked Lauren.

“No, sweetheart. We haven’t got a computer here, have we?”

Another tense pause.

“But when we get home then?”

“Yes, when we get home, of course we can.”

“And can we see the caravan? And Mummy’s book?”

“Er… well, yes… listen, who wants an ice-cream?”

“ME!!!”

Phew.

The rest of the holiday was spent spotting “three wuhs” on just about everything. I tell you, you just don’t notice how prevalent the bloody things are until you’ve got two small girls spotting each and every one for you, as if they’re rare jewels. And as a result of my excellent tuition, Hannah and Lauren now know two new things: (1) three wuhs are everywhere, and (2) that means everything is a bit like CBeebies, but only when it’s on the computer, not on the telly.

I should hire myself out for private tuition, I really should.