A father’s ponderings on twins and their devious ways
Hannah and Lauren’s reading is really coming on these days, and they’re bringing more and more advanced reading books home from school. Yesterday Lauren was doing a lovely job of reading Sleeping Beauty. I wonder if you can spot the one word she stumbled on?
“Can I try it?” said the princess.
“Of course,” replied the old woman. The princess reached over, but the moment her finger touched the spinach she fell into a deep sleep.
The girls are cock-a-hoop today because the dinner ladies’ strike means they can take lunch boxes to school… with eggy sandwiches. We’ve been resisting the pressure to switch from hot dinners to packed lunches for over a year now. Our argument is that making packed lunches takes time and will make us (even) late(r) for school in the mornings. Countering this is Hannah and Lauren’s considered position that but… but… but X takes packed lunches, and so does Y, and even Z doesn’t have hot dinners any more, and we’ve got pink lunch boxes with pictures of princesses on them, and awhh, it’s not fair!
You can see how finely balanced this thing is.
We’re expecting a full-on assault at home time tonight, with stories of how much fun they had, and how healthy they feel, and how honesly, the eggy sandwiches haven’t made them parp any more that usual. It’s going to be tough. Any suggestions for a counter-attack will be welcome, but please make it quick.
A conversation with one of the girls yesterday shortly after taking the attached photo with my cameraphone.
“I wish I had a phone like that.”
“You don’t need a phone, sweetheart, they’re only for grown-ups.”
“Where did you get it from?”
“From a shop.”
“Did they have another one exactly the same?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Well when I’m a mummy can you take me to that shop and show me so I can buy that one?”
“What a terrific idea. Of course I can.”
It’s lovely to think I’ll still be needed. An extra bonus point to the first reader who can correctly identify the twin in question… 
I woke up early this morning, and on my way back from the bathroom a little voice from the girls’ room hissed, “Daddy!”. I peeped my head in and there was Hannah, sitting up in bed and beckoning me in. Lauren was fast asleep. It was nearly time for the alarm to go off, and neither of us were going to get back to sleep, so I climbed into Hannah’s bed for a cuddle. Just at that moment there was a stirring from the other bed.
“Look,” I said, “Lauren’s waking up.”
“Don’t worry,” whispered Hannah, quick as a flash, “I’ll hide you!” - upon which she pushed my head down under the quilt. I must point out that I wasn’t entirely at ease with the idea of defrauding Lauren of her cuddle, but I hadn’t been given much choice in the matter. However, I clearly wasn’t the only one having misgivings. “Daddy,” whispered Hannah, peeping her head under the quilt, “what about your feet?”
It was then that a sleepy voice murmured, “Daddy, what are you doing in Hannah’s bed?” The game was up. Hannah looked bereft. Fairness is a double-edged sword, as twins are all too aware, and at times the best a devious little mind can achieve is to ensure the situation is equally unfair to everyone. As I climbed out of one bed and into another, Hannah picked up a book and muttered threateningly, “I’ll read a bit of Cinderella while you give Lauren a little snuddle.”
At the end of dinner tonight, Hannah (age 5, let’s not forget) proudly announced, “16 add 16 is 32!”
What slightly took the edge off this little moment of mathematical genius was the fact that moments earlier she had asked, “Is salmon made out of crabs?”
I’ve tried to spell the title of this post as closely as I can to the way it sounds. I’m sure other parents of twins will recognise it straight away. It’s what Hannah and Lauren say when they detect that some kind of fun is going on that involves their sister but not them. Some examples:
Example 1: I pick Hannah up in the air - for no particular reason, other than that she’s small and cute. Hannah squeals with delight (oh yes, that’s why I do it). Lauren appears from the next room pleading, “Daddy, can-you-do-that-to-meee???”
Example 2: Whilst brushing Lauren’s teeth I let her stand on my feet. Lauren chuckles. Hannah is there in an instant, the plaintive cry already forming on her lips: “Can-you-do-that-to-meee???”
Example 3: It’s dinner time. Lauren is already at the table but Hannah is dawdling. I go and grab Hannah and swing her through the air towards the dining room. Lauren abandons her plate and jumps down from the table, with the heart-stopping realisation that she has just missed out on a momentary split second of fun. “Can-you-do-that-to-meee-Daddy???”
I could go on. It happens several times a day. It got so irritating that I started pre-empting it with my own rendition, complete with That Whingy Voice. All it’s achieved is that the girls now ask it in an imitation of my imitation of their whingy voice, which is at least twice as grating as the real thing.
I am convinced that, in the moment a soon-to-be-Lauren was plucked from her mother’s womb, a still-ensconced soon-to-be-Hannah took one look around her and thought, “Can-you-do-that-to-meee???“
Comment from Lauren yesterday, on seeing the new pictures at the top of this blog: “Lauren and Hannah, Mark and Simon. Oh, you two are so cute.” Whereupon she kissed me on the cheek.
Hear that, Simon? Cute. I think it’s acceptable to blur the facts a bit and just tell people that some blonde called you cute yesterday. Lauren won’t mind.
We were leaving the house for school one day recently when Lauren suddenly piped up: “Daddy, if Zosha’s house was the other way round it would be the same old as Mummy.”
It took me a while to figure it out. Zosha is a school friend who lives on our road. I finally realised that her house number was Nicola’s current age in reverse. (For sake of argument, and chivalry, let’s say she lives at No 12.) Hannah and Lauren had just started to get the hang of big numbers and Lauren had just been struck by this little coincidence.
It’s a great insight into what occupies those busy little minds at idle moments - and a canny piece of reckoning to boot, I thought.
Two brand new jokes from Hannah and Lauren this lunch time.
Lauren’s joke
Q: Why didn’t the tortoise fly the kite?
A: Because he couldn’t fly it.
Hannah’s joke
Q: Why didn’t the elephant do the crossword?
A: Because he didn’t buy a newspaper.
Move over, French and Saunders, your days are numbered.
One of the great features in the all-new Twins of the Father blog is the fact that posts are grouped into categories. This post is in the rather dull Blog News category, but you can have much more fun in Funny, Girls will be girls, Maddening and many more. There’s a list of categories down the right-hand side of each page!
This is a very clever bit of digital wizardry, but it should come with a health warning for parents of twins. I nearly had a heart attack! 
The new-look Twins of the Father blog is here! I hope you like it.
For those of you who subscribe to the feed for this blog, make sure you pick up the new address: http://bitrot.net/father/feed/
This is all based on a new blogging system, so there may be teething troubles! If you have any problems, please e-mail me at “mark {at} bitrot {dot} net” and I’ll do my best to help out.