Category Archives: Nutters

A man with a plan

A man with a plan, not a miracle cure. A striking change of tone. A speech delivered with gravitas and conviction, but shot through with a rich vein of humour. A natural born leader seizing the mantle of Mrs Thatcher. A man for all seasons. Nice totty for a wife. Our next Prime Minister.

That’s how a demented, blue-haired, swivel-eyed, octogenarian maniac might have described David Cameron’s smug, vapid, nauseating, disingenuous, pointless, dessicated husk of an address to the Tory party conference yesterday.

I, on the other hand, might have described it rather differently.

How cheese wire was invented

Be honest: isn’t this something every man’s done from time to time?

When officers had turned up to investigate they found Batchelor still partially dressed and with his flimsy thong on the wrong way round.

It’s so easily done, and after a few cans of Special Brew I’m told the chafing just doesn’t reach the brain. There are hospitals in Glasgow that specialise in reattaching testicles after just such incidents.


To the untrained eye, just two ordinary guys. Can you spot which one has his thong on back-to-front?

And I thought my Halloween was boring

We put the kids to bed, had a cup of tea and then watched some telly, but at least we didn’t dress up as a toolbar.

For Halloween, eighteen of us dressed up as the different parts of the Toolbar itself.
Google blog

I hoped at first that it might be some weird new euphemism, but I’ve now come to the conclusion that they actually dressed as a toolbar.

A toolbar yesterday

Missing man found alive and well in Panama

panama.jpgOK, I admit it, I didn’t die back in September. That whole canoe thing was just a ruse. I’ve been hiding out in Central America and I would have gotten away with it too if I hadn’t foolishly put a photo of myself holding my passport and driving licence on the website Look, It’s Me! I’m Here! In Panama!.com. It’s always the little things you overlook.

Turns out that in September I offended a group of Icelandic fundamentalists with my cheap fisting gag. Icelandic fundamentalists are a lot like Islamic fundamentalists but with warmer coats and a fanatical hatred of Kerry Katona. They did some digging and found that I’d recently named my pet cat Björk and after that it was just non-stop hate mail, effigy burning, flaxen-haired trawlermen outside the house demanding my death – you know the sort of thing.

In a last-ditch attempt to placate them I renamed the cat Atomic Kitten and that’s when the shit really hit the fan. Should I have known about the Kerry Katona thing? In retrospect, yeah, perhaps I should. Call me naive if you like – I just thought it was a nice name for a cat. In the end I felt I had no option but to stage my own death, cash in on the life insurance, go to Panama and buy a couple of yachts. Honestly, it’s been a living nightmare.

But now I find myself back in the UK and I’ll say one thing for British prisons: they know how to keep a man safe from Icelandic fundamentalism. I could get used to it in here.

Just one final note for my next-door neighbour (whose identity is obviously best not revealed for her own sake): please tell Atomic Kitten I forgive her for all the trouble she’s caused and I’m not dead after all. And make sure you do it that way round: get her feeling guilty first and then hopefully you can slip the not dead thing in “under the radar” as it were. I know one day she’ll understand.

Man roundly congratulated for buying new telephone despite tremendous odds

Man buys telephone

Timothy McGuckin, of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, breaks the world record for buying a telephone whilst being pulled backwards on a giant bungee cord yesterday. It’s the new sport of kings.

It’s hardly the stuff of Ancient Greece, but then they didn’t have a stupid Olympic logo either.

Man does not marry goat

It seems that, just because of a bit of previous with goats, some of you expect me to be reporting on this guy who married the goat.

But how about the other guy – the one who didn’t marry the goat? What’s his story? Bet none of you thought of that, did you?

God, just get over the goat.

Prince William (goat not pictured)
Britain’s Prince William, who did not marry a goat yesterday

Experts: they just don’t make ’em like they used to

Next time you’re writing a cheque for your licence fee, remember to seal it with a kiss for people like Chris Lake, expert on the cost of sending e-mails:

The cost of sending 1.8 million e-mails is about £6,000, estimates Chris Lake, editor of E-consultancy.com which advises people on internet strategy.

“Last week I had lunch with someone who sends out 180,000 a week as a newsletter, which cost him £600,” he says. “That would make it £6,000, but it could be much less or much more. Plus there are the resources to craft it and put it together.”

There are lots of variables so we can’t be sure, he says.

Thank God he had lunch with another idiot in time, otherwise where would we be now? Sheer guesswork from some pillock, that’s where. Imagine that.

I don’t know why they didn’t go straight to Guy Goma.

29-year-old man or 12-year-old boy?

This whole paedophile business puts me in mind of the last place I worked, where after 5 years the boss we’d all assumed was a 29-year-old man in fact turned out to be 12.

There we were thinking he was a bit of a dick, but for a 12-year-old he was actually quite mature.

This could be the break I’ve been waiting for

I’ve just had a very enticing offer by e-mail. I can’t say too much in case someone steals my contact and beats me to the readies, suffice to say it was from a MRS CAROLINW (sic) WOZIMM, a good Christian lady from Nigeria who is rather sadly dying from “the cancer of the lungs”. To cut a very long story short, the unfortunate woman has a $9,000,000 inheritance to invest and wants me to have 25% of it! 5% will go on expenses, which sounds reasonable, and the remaining 70% “will be for the work of GOD”, which I have to say I find rather humbling.

All I need to send her is my bank account details and the money’s mine! She doesn’t even tell me how she knows me, but I’m guessing our great-grandfathers knew each other in the Boer war or something. That’s how I understand it usually happens.

Needless to say I can’t believe my luck. This time next week I’ll be obscenely rich and can finally wave a fond farewell to this fucking blog. Honestly, it’s been a pauper’s game, and never a word of thanks. Good riddance to the lot of you.

Harry Potter and the Internet Fruitcakes

Harry Potter and the Internet FruitcakesAmazon should ban people from leaving comments and ratings before a product is actually available. This would seem to me to be plain common sense. I mean honestly, just look at some of this crap:

5 stars It’ll be amazingness unrivalled!
It’ll be impossible for it to be bad – this is Harry Potter we’re talking about, guys, haha … it’s going to be GREAT! No question.

5 stars of course its going to be good
I know of many other people who are sure that Harry Potter and the ???????? will deserve five stars, to find them just type “harry potter fan fiction” into google. I got 1,950,000 results and its probably still growing. click on any harry potter fan fiction site, an look at the lists of authors. Probably every single person there is of the opinion that book 7 will deserve 5 stars and will rate it accordingly as and when it comes out.

5 starsthe end…
I’m very tempted to give five stars to it, because it’s bound to be great, but it wouldn’t be ABSOLUTELY honest, would it? So i tried just not to rate it, but that’s not allowed. SO, i have to resort to giving it 5 stars…

And just for balance:

3 starsdont get me wrong
the book will get five stars from me it will be awsome but the title will get zero

Grade-A nuts, the lot of them. They should be taken out and shot, or at least taught how to spell and punctuate.

Update: More Potter lunacy, this time from Royal Mail. Don’t be surprised when you hear your local post office is closing down this spring. The postal services have spending priorities just like everyone else, it’s just that theirs are informed by the logic of a madman.

Lembit Öpik has left Siân Lloyd for one of the Cheeky Girls

No seriously. Lembit Öpik has left Siân Lloyd for one of the Cheeky Girls.

We do know each other from two months, but didn’t actually go out together only from two weeks now.

said the Cheeky Girl.

I was going to do a picture or a joke to go with it but then I thought, why should I? Think up your own joke for a change. Go on, piss off.

Books by repeat offenders

YOU PONCEI’ve just finished reading You Ponce by Lenny ‘The Fuckles’ Maguire. I’ve always poo-pooed those books by gangsters in the past but that was clearly snobbery on my part as it’s actually surprisingly well written. The guy has a peerless grasp of metaphor, for example often using the word ‘machete’ where you or I might say bon mot.

He was clearly trying it on so without further ado I cut him down to size with a well-chosen machete.

I thoroughly recommend the book to anyone as it’s a jolly good read. Next up: ‘Ave That You Twat by Jimmy the Hatchet.