Please remove the item.
Item removed from bagging area: please replace the item or press Cancel Item.
Unexpected item in the bagging area.
etc.
A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.
I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.
Bloody hell, I think I’ve cracked it! Just when you thought blogrot couldn’t get any more irrelevant and half baked!
BLOGROT: NOW AVAILABLE AS A PODCAST!
I won’t be podcasting much - I’m really just doing it for the same reason a dog licks its balls. But there will be the occasional titbit, and you can even subscribe to it in iTunes or another player of your choice using this link:
http://bitrot.net/blog/category/podcast/feed/
Wogan… Cooke… Westwood… Pig on Wheels… ahhhh…
I went to the Manchester Apple Store the other day for a quick prod of the wares. I was mucking about with a MacBook laptop when I was approached by some goon wearing an official Apple T-shirt and dangly badge.
“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.
I replied that I was just browsing.
“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”
“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”
“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”
Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.
I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?
It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?
Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.
Well, not really. But I’m 12,323 days in and no death so far, so extrapolating this trend leads me to believe that I am immortal. QED.
If I can’t get a front page with this I’ll go back to the agitated dust for a bit.
Well, not really. But they can make a speck of dust feel a bit queasy which, we’re assured, is the same thing in principle.
Well, not really, but it was a slow news day.
Data-centric gadget-crazy long-distance business traveller? Then worry no more: all your prayers have just been answered! When your plane goes down over the Pacific, you’ll be the first to be found, floating pocket-upwards, thanks to the bloody ludicrous Inflating Flashbag!
Likewise, your keys will be protected in the event of a side-on car crash! The list goes on…
God, I wish I’d though of this: Millionaires24.com is an exclusive e-mail service for the super-rich only. The feature set includes both sending and receiving e-mails (whatever they might be), at the bargain price of just $399 per month. You also get one of a “limited” batch of “just 10,000″ chinless.wonder@millionaires24.com addresses with which to impress your chums and prove once and for all that you’d pay top dollar for cat shit just as long as it had been dipped in platinum first.
Coming soon from bitrot.net: FreshAirUnbreathedByProles.com…
Following on from the entertaining Web 2.0 site or Star Wars Character? quiz, blogrot it pleased to announce a brand new feature:
That barmy Steve Jobs just can’t make his mind up: one minute he wants to make iPods even smaller, the next he wants them visible from space:
(Zoom in here.)
Next week: Creative puts Zen Planeto into orbit around Mars.
Barmy French couple cremated after big thaw in home-made cryogenic chamber.
No, really. Here’s a titbit:
He once told reporters that ideally he would like to open his wife’s freezer every day and tell her “Hello, I’m so glad to see you”, but that it was better it stayed shut. He said he opened it to check it every five years.
I’ll have to remember that one. “I’d love to sit and talk, dear, but it’s better if we don’t. How are you fixed for 2011?”
Given the particulars of this tragic case, anyone thinking of building their own cryogenic facility might want to consider that John Lewis offers excellent service packages on all white goods, in most cases extendable to 5 years.
Duality: how it’s fascinated the great creative souls of our generation. From Status Quo’s Dog Of Two Head to the Spice Girls’ Two Become One, our great thinkers have… erm… sorry, I’ve lost my thread a bit.
Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, that was it. Conclusive proof that the Japanese are all barmy finally comes in the shape of the two-cursored mouse. One mouse: two cursors. No idea how it works. Mad as a box of frogs, the lot of them.
Microsoft, 1 March: “We’ll be better than Google in 6 months!”
Microsoft, 3 March: “Oh, that Google? We thought you said… um… a poodle.”
There is no need to adjust your monitor: that really is the word “humble” on Microsoft’s site. Momentous stuff.
A brilliant bit of advertising from Microsoft here, albeit a few years old. I was a dab-hand at assignments back in my day (well before 2003) and I always took my glasses off in bed. I’m kicking myself now for not advertising.
Sony has announced the ultimate gizmo for 2006: a mouse with a phone built into it. I’m even more excited than I was when the boffins announced that mouse with an ear built into it a few years ago. Similar idea, of course, except Sony’s comes in three different colours.
It got me thinking about other hybrid devices we might all benefit from.
The Coffeeboard
A keyboard that also makes coffee, tea and other hot drinks. Simply type “L-A-T-T-E”, “E-A-R-L-G-R-E-Y” or “N-I-C-E-C-U-P-O-F-H-O-R-L-I-C-K-S” and the drink of your choice comes dribbling out the side and forms in a puddle on the desk. Logitech will produce one with special “One Sugar” and “Two Sugar” buttons for dummies. Real men will use F2 and Ctrl+F5 respectively.
The RomTom (or TomCom)
An in-car navigation system that will guide you to the nearest cinema showing a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan. There’ll be big bucks in tie-in deals with the major studios, you mark my words. Hit titles will include When Harry Successfully Navigated His Way To Sally and Sleepless in 47°36′0″ N, 122°19′0″ W.
The Cameracopier
Put simply, it’s a photocopier with a camera built in. The ultimate accessory in non-portable photography, the Cameracopier will enable people to take pictures of small grey rooms with hitherto unimagined ease. It won’t be long until the Finns break ahead of the pack with a copier bearing two cameras, or even three. The sky’s the limit. In a perverse echo of the Wilkinson Sword/Gillette Blade Race of the 1990s, progress won’t be halted until we have a copier that’s completely encrusted with tiny cameras, like some giant fly’s eye. Flickr will spin off a whole separate site for pictures of grey rooms. It’s the future.
The Jetboots
It’s, like, boots, but with jets. I’m surprised nobody’s thought of this stuff before. I’m on a roll.
The FacePod
An infinitesimally cute white MP3 player that can perform an emergency face transplant. The competitors, with their silly obsessions with this many hours of video, or that many gigabytes of “songs”, will stand back and gasp as the FacePod leaps into action after a savage dog attack, repairing delicate nerve endings and popping your eyes back in. Your friends will be slack-jawed with amazement. You’ll just be slack-jawed.
Trevor Bayliss, eat your heart out.
