Category Archives: Sci/Tech

Another great day for science

Scientists have proved beyond reasonable doubt that when motorists pass a bearded cyclist in a white coat and wearing a long wig, they give him a wide berth. White van drivers come a little closer (apparently they get off on that kind of thing) whilst Chelsea tractors practically veer into oncoming traffic to avoid it.

It’s all meant to tell us something about cycle helmets but anyone who says they can’t see the metaphor here is just fooling themselves.

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Will Smith attempts to buy a bag of apples yesterdayPlease remove the item.

Item removed from bagging area: please replace the item or press Cancel Item.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.


A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.

I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.

Houston, we have a podcast!

Bloody hell, I think I’ve cracked it! Just when you thought blogrot couldn’t get any more irrelevant and half baked!


I won’t be podcasting much – I’m really just doing it for the same reason a dog licks its balls. But there will be the occasional titbit, and you can even subscribe to it in iTunes or another player of your choice using this link:

Wogan… Cooke… Westwood… Pig on Wheels… ahhhh…

Religious lunatics

Apple StoreI went to the Manchester Apple Store the other day for a quick prod of the wares. I was mucking about with a MacBook laptop when I was approached by some goon wearing an official Apple T-shirt and dangly badge.

“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.

I replied that I was just browsing.

“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”

“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”

“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”

Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.

I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?

It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?

Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.

The Inflating Flashbag

Data-centric gadget-crazy long-distance business traveller? Then worry no more: all your prayers have just been answered! When your plane goes down over the Pacific, you’ll be the first to be found, floating pocket-upwards, thanks to the bloody ludicrous Inflating Flashbag!

Likewise, your keys will be protected in the event of a side-on car crash! The list goes on…

High-Class E-mail

God, I wish I’d though of this: is an exclusive e-mail service for the super-rich only. The feature set includes both sending and receiving e-mails (whatever they might be), at the bargain price of just $399 per month. You also get one of a “limited” batch of “just 10,000” addresses with which to impress your chums and prove once and for all that you’d pay top dollar for cat shit just as long as it had been dipped in platinum first.

Coming soon from…

I just cooled to say I love you

Barmy French couple cremated after big thaw in home-made cryogenic chamber.

No, really. Here’s a titbit:

He once told reporters that ideally he would like to open his wife’s freezer every day and tell her “Hello, I’m so glad to see you”, but that it was better it stayed shut. He said he opened it to check it every five years.

I’ll have to remember that one. “I’d love to sit and talk, dear, but it’s better if we don’t. How are you fixed for 2011?”

Given the particulars of this tragic case, anyone thinking of building their own cryogenic facility might want to consider that John Lewis offers excellent service packages on all white goods, in most cases extendable to 5 years.

Mouse Of Two Cursor

Duality: how it’s fascinated the great creative souls of our generation. From Status Quo’s Dog Of Two Head to the Spice Girls’ Two Become One, our great thinkers have… erm… sorry, I’ve lost my thread a bit.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, that was it. Conclusive proof that the Japanese are all barmy finally comes in the shape of the two-cursored mouse. One mouse: two cursors. No idea how it works. Mad as a box of frogs, the lot of them.