…don’t you sometimes wish they had more imagination than a five-year-old?

For supposedly creative people…, originally uploaded by bitrot.

I’m also on the toilet. This, my friends, is the future.

Timothy McGuckin, of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, breaks the world record for buying a telephone whilst being pulled backwards on a giant bungee cord yesterday. It’s the new sport of kings.

It’s hardly the stuff of Ancient Greece, but then they didn’t have a stupid Olympic logo either.

Isn’t that just typical of boffins? Give them an easy job and they all run around with biros behind their ears throwing supercomputers at it willy-nilly! And even then they only half solve it! Talk about using a sledgehammer to crush half a nut.

Here’s how it should be done, as demonstrated by me, on a simple home PC:

10 EAT CHEESE
20 ESCAPE FROM CAT
30 GOTO 10

There, that wasn’t hard, was it?

…and, like, you want to just press a key, y’know, do F10, but it’s not a PC!

I applaud Apple for its efforts in weaning these people off their pathetic dependency on F10. In designing a keyboard that only goes up to F9, Steve Jobs has really brought the fight to the blokes who wear suits for breakfast.

Ignore anything I may have said against him in the past, he’s one of the Good Guys really.

Update: I’m informed that Macs don’t stop at F9 at all. On the contrary, they go up to F13, just to be one better than Microsoft. It must have been the Speak And Spell I was thinking of: they’re easily confused.

In that case Steve Jobs is still a bastard. Ignore anything I might have said about ignoring anything I might have said about him.

Blame, blame, blame – that’s all we seem to hear these days. So now we’re to blame for global warming too, according to the so-called “scientists”.

How would they like it if the boot was on the other foot? How would they feel about headlines like these?

Scientists Blamed For Boring Programmes On BBC Four
Scientists To Blame For Computers Not Working Properly, Say Humans
Scientists All Have Comb-Overs And Silly Beards

See? Not nice, is it. Maybe it’s time for the “scientists” to get their own house in order before they start criticising us humans.

Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.

It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.

A Face In The CrOWd by MykReeve.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Smug git.

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-fffff!

It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? I told the scientists these miniature livers would never take off, but as usual they didn’t listen.

New information: I stand corrected. Apparently Brewster’s have put in a bulk order for their new range of stem-cell burgers with curly fries. Never let it be said I don’t admit when I’m wrong.

I hope you’ll forgive my scepticism, I’ve had a long day. Plus I’ve managed to get hold of a photo of what’s really going on inside Google’s secret hangar, “Building 43″.

UPDATE: DROP EVERYTHING AGAIN! AMAZON’S BOUGHT ONE TOO!

A couple of my favourites to date, hidden deep inside the source code that powers the world’s computers:

Searching for testicles…
# FrSIRT 24/24 & 7/7 - Centre de Recherche on Donkey Testicles.
# Free 14 day Testicle licking trial available!

Searching for bollocks…
A note: the CTCP protocol sucks bollocks. If I ever meet the fellow who
came up with it, I'll shave their head and tattoo obscenities on it.

But the best ones combine swearing with technical jargon in a way that is almost poetic, for example:
/* this is one of the fucking FPU tables out of the 00-BH range */
/* did I mention how much I hate Intel? Fucking wankers... */

Did Tennyson ever come up with such purity of expression? Did Wordsworth? Did Ayres?

I think not.

- So, how much is that then?
- Ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven, sir.
- You mean… seventeen Euros ninety-seven?
- That’s right, sir: ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven.

What the hell is that all about? They might as well be using binary. It’s no wonder they can’t handle advanced counting systems such as quarts, ounces and furlongs. It is for this precise reason that we never let them into the Commonwealth and they’ve hated us for it ever since.

Famous Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, seen here playing in the “Number Two Threes Plus Two Plus the Square Root of Four” shirt.

It’s all meant to tell us something about cycle helmets but anyone who says they can’t see the metaphor here is just fooling themselves.

Please remove the item.

Item removed from bagging area: please replace the item or press Cancel Item.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

etc.

A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.

I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.

BLOGROT: NOW AVAILABLE AS A PODCAST!

I won’t be podcasting much – I’m really just doing it for the same reason a dog licks its balls. But there will be the occasional titbit, and you can even subscribe to it in iTunes or another player of your choice using this link:

http://bitrot.net/blog/category/podcast/feed/

Wogan… Cooke… Westwood… Pig on Wheels… ahhhh…

“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.

I replied that I was just browsing.

“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”

“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”

“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”

Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.

I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?

It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?

Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.

If I can’t get a front page with this I’ll go back to the agitated dust for a bit.