Category Archives: Sci/Tech

If this post looks different

…it’s because I’m typing it on my iPhone. I do everything on my iPhone these days. If there was a job where you could get paid for buggering about on an iPhone I’d be filling in the application form right now – provided of course that I could fill it in on my iPhone.

I’m also on the toilet. This, my friends, is the future.

Man roundly congratulated for buying new telephone despite tremendous odds

Man buys telephone

Timothy McGuckin, of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, breaks the world record for buying a telephone whilst being pulled backwards on a giant bungee cord yesterday. It’s the new sport of kings.

It’s hardly the stuff of Ancient Greece, but then they didn’t have a stupid Olympic logo either.

Bitrot simulates COMPLETE mouse brain on RUBBISH computer

Some boffins have managed to simulate half a virtual mouse brain on a supercomputer.

Isn’t that just typical of boffins? Give them an easy job and they all run around with biros behind their ears throwing supercomputers at it willy-nilly! And even then they only half solve it! Talk about using a sledgehammer to crush half a nut.

Here’s how it should be done, as demonstrated by me, on a simple home PC:

10 EAT CHEESE
20 ESCAPE FROM CAT
30 GOTO 10

There, that wasn’t hard, was it?

F10

Overheard at breakfast in a hotel this morning, between two blokes in suits:

…and, like, you want to just press a key, y’know, do F10, but it’s not a PC!

F10 yesterdayI applaud Apple for its efforts in weaning these people off their pathetic dependency on F10. In designing a keyboard that only goes up to F9, Steve Jobs has really brought the fight to the blokes who wear suits for breakfast.

Ignore anything I may have said against him in the past, he’s one of the Good Guys really.

Update: I’m informed that Macs don’t stop at F9 at all. On the contrary, they go up to F13, just to be one better than Microsoft. It must have been the Speak And Spell I was thinking of: they’re easily confused.

In that case Steve Jobs is still a bastard. Ignore anything I might have said about ignoring anything I might have said about him.

People in glass houses shouldn’t blame global warming on other people

Blame

Blame, blame, blame – that’s all we seem to hear these days. So now we’re to blame for global warming too, according to the so-called “scientists”.

How would they like it if the boot was on the other foot? How would they feel about headlines like these?

Scientists Blamed For Boring Programmes On BBC Four
Scientists To Blame For Computers Not Working Properly, Say Humans
Scientists All Have Comb-Overs And Silly Beards

See? Not nice, is it. Maybe it’s time for the “scientists” to get their own house in order before they start criticising us humans.

Come fry with me

Fast shutter actionOK, OK, so British Airways planes are all jam-packed with lethal Soviet Polonium-210 alpha particles, but it’s not like it’s all bad news, is it? I mean, at least the staff aren’t wearing religious jewellery.

Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.

In a multicultural society, can’t we just accept the cow people?

I was full of hope yesterday for a bright new future for the cow people, but it seems it is not to be. The Daily Mail leader column was typical of the general mood, speaking of “driving these ghastly bovine chimeras to the sea where we will drown them like cats”. For me it’s the 99.9% human that’s important, but some people just can’t see past the 0.1% cow.

It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.

A Face In The CrOWd by MykReeve

A Face In The CrOWd by MykReeve.

AOS: Blogrot withdraws revolutionary new information service

It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Knighthood not enough for you is it?

Smug git.

AOS: blogrot launches revolutionary new information service!

I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

A distance of some 150 miles

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

A stem cell research scientist tried to test me once

I ate his liver with some Alphabetti Spaghetti and a Fruit Shoot.

Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-fffff!

Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-fffff!

It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? I told the scientists these miniature livers would never take off, but as usual they didn’t listen.

New information: I stand corrected. Apparently Brewster’s have put in a bulk order for their new range of stem-cell burgers with curly fries. Never let it be said I don’t admit when I’m wrong.

DROP EVERYTHING! GOOGLE’S BUYING A SPACESHIP!!!

Quick! Ooh! Everyone get over-excited! Google’s buying a SPACESHIP! Let’s run around squealing! Let’s call it Space 2.0! Ooh, I like that! Let’s tell everyone! Googlegooglegoogle!

I hope you’ll forgive my scepticism, I’ve had a long day. Plus I’ve managed to get hold of a photo of what’s really going on inside Google’s secret hangar, “Building 43”.

UPDATE: DROP EVERYTHING AGAIN! AMAZON’S BOUGHT ONE TOO!

Centre de Recherche on Donkey Testicles

Google’s new Code Search feature is good news for software developers who want to avoid reinventing the wheel by finding an existing solution to a problem. It’s even better news for software developers (or anyone else for that matter) who are bored on a Friday afternoon and want to look up some rude words.

A couple of my favourites to date, hidden deep inside the source code that powers the world’s computers:

Searching for testicles
# FrSIRT 24/24 & 7/7 - Centre de Recherche on Donkey Testicles.
# Free 14 day Testicle licking trial available!

Searching for bollocks
A note: the CTCP protocol sucks bollocks. If I ever meet the fellow who
came up with it, I'll shave their head and tattoo obscenities on it.

But the best ones combine swearing with technical jargon in a way that is almost poetic, for example:
/* this is one of the fucking FPU tables out of the 00-BH range */
/* did I mention how much I hate Intel? Fucking wankers... */

Did Tennyson ever come up with such purity of expression? Did Wordsworth? Did Ayres?

I think not.

A fistful of twenties

It’s often claimed that Western civilisation’s “Big Leap Forward” was when Albert Einstein invented the number zero, and so it’s a source of much bafflement to commentators that the numeracy fad has never caught on in France. Let me illustrate with a recent conversation from my holidays, which I have translated into English for your convenience:

– So, how much is that then?
– Ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven, sir.
– You mean… seventeen Euros ninety-seven?
– That’s right, sir: ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven.

What the hell is that all about? They might as well be using binary. It’s no wonder they can’t handle advanced counting systems such as quarts, ounces and furlongs. It is for this precise reason that we never let them into the Commonwealth and they’ve hated us for it ever since.

zidane.jpg
Famous Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, seen here playing in the “Number Two Threes Plus Two Plus the Square Root of Four” shirt.