Audio from Bill Hicks: Rant in E Minor

All I need to send her is my bank account details and the money’s mine! She doesn’t even tell me how she knows me, but I’m guessing our great-grandfathers knew each other in the Boer war or something. That’s how I understand it usually happens.

Needless to say I can’t believe my luck. This time next week I’ll be obscenely rich and can finally wave a fond farewell to this fucking blog. Honestly, it’s been a pauper’s game, and never a word of thanks. Good riddance to the lot of you.

Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.

(p.s. Apologies to the BBC for nicking their stuff and podcasting it again. In my defence I did pay for it.)

“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.

I replied that I was just browsing.

“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”

“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”

“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”

Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.

I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?

It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?

Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.

Creationism goes bananas.

I respect the Mormons for doing a great job of creating good citizens. Whatever they’re doing seems to be working. You rarely hear about a gang of violent Mormons terrorizing a town. But must I also respect their practice of wearing special underpants to ward off evil?

It’s a good question – perhaps one of the big questions, in fact. My own opinion is that anyone who wears “special underpants” – for whatever reason, sacred or secular – automatically commands a certain amount of respect. But that’s just my view and you’re free to challenge it, which I think is sort of the point Scott is making.

When I was at junior school, a boy who we’ll call Benny used to wear special brown underpants from Littlewoods. In his case it was due to his frequent and uncontrolled bouts of diarrhoea, the after-effects of which were better disguised when changing for P.E. by wearing pre-browned grundies. Even at that young age I noticed that this wearing of special underpants seemed to generate a kind of mystical aura, often reflected in the circle of empty desks that were left around him as a sign of respect.

Anyway, enough of this talking in metaphors. What I’m saying here (in part two of my Easter Underwear Address) is: respect other people’s underpants and all other kinds of underwear, and Happy Easter.

Audio from Bill Hicks: Rant in E Minor

Well heck, I thought, any idiot can draw a few cartoons. And blogrot has never shied away from confronting difficult issues in the search for the odd extra reader. So, here goes nothing.

Cartoon 1: A bandy-legged, moon-faced boy makes a startling pronouncement on the nation’s favourite cakebiscuit. In his hand is a copy of David Icke’s Children of the Matrix. The boy may also be wearing a built-up shoe, or it could just be that I can’t draw properly. You decide.

Cartoon 2: A bewhiskered old lady happy-slaps a boy with a tomato for a head. In his cry for help, the boy plunges us headlong into the festering tomato controversy. Discuss.

Cartoon 3: The Rt Rev Sir Dr Ian Paisley, with the tiny body of a ballerina, wades into the Souness aftermath where his beak-like nose is clearly not welcome. Stick to what you’re good at, Ian! (i.e. bellowing and eating Catholics.) You can intimidate me, sir, but you’ll never take away my freedom of speech.

More may follow. Reprint if you dare!

The bun is in blogrot’s thoughts and we pray for its safe return.

I particularly love the nitpicking over the number of “obscenities” the show contains. The BBC swear it’s only 300, but the fundamentalist Christians – big fans of 4 to 5-figure numbers – make it up to 8,000 by counting each chorus member individually. There’s an implication there that if it were only, say, 500 obscenities the Christians might come round. I can just picture a bunch of BBC bigwigs and top-bollock evangelists sitting round the Stormont table past midnight trying to broker some kind of compromise. (“OK, we’ll show you video evidence of five wanks being decommisioned if you’ll accept that 27 nappy-wearing gay satanists singing Ooh, me twatting bollocks in close harmony is only 2 swearwords and not 54…”)

That link again: “dressing to maximize the [cartoon] female form and/or skin exposure“.

Blogrot never realised that the dull clung! of the toaster could so easily become a resounding ker-ching!, and will be paying close attention to anything that pops out of the blogrot Russell Hobbs in future for signs of divine tampering. Come to think of it, I could swear my crumpet started weeping milk this morning, right after I dropped it in my cornflakes.

Joking aside, blogrot is aghast at the effrontery of these scam merchants claiming to see religious symbols in everyday objects in search of a quick buck. Don’t they know that too much of this sort of thing can only besmirch the sanctity of proper miracles, such as the cinnamon bun that looks like Mother Teresa?