See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.

The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

He was clearly trying it on so without further ado I cut him down to size with a well-chosen machete.

I thoroughly recommend the book to anyone as it’s a jolly good read. Next up: ‘Ave That You Twat by Jimmy the Hatchet.

The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.

He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.

Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:

Lady In John Hurt

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmm

I’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hide

I have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond belief

The Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out

I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Smug git.

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

New information: We’ve now slipped to 326,085th. You rotten bunch of arseholes. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you! Piss off.

Sound advice.

I think this is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for, gentlemen.

Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.

Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.

Update: It’s just been suggested to me that Winstone is in fact play a Boston Irish hoodlum who has had a stroke which has left him with a partially Cockney accent. In that case I would like to commend his excellent performance and shift my criticism to Scorcese for losing this crucial back story detail in the editing suite.

He said, “Do you want to take that thing off your head, mate, so we can have a reasonable conversation?”

I said, “Ere, what you doing? Can’t you see my light’s off?”

I remember it well. I’d been sitting with the engine idling and the light off, just outside the bank.

He said, “With respect, that isn’t what’s pertinent to this debate. I put it to you that, in order for us to talk as individuals without the hindrance of cultural barriers…”

But then the alarm starts going off and the next minute Baz and Big Dave and Jimmy the Bastard are jumping back in and it’s all “Who the ‘ell’s this?” and then we’re off. Later we bashed him on the head and dumped him in an alley way. They reckon he’s never been right since.

It goes without saying that the book is very long and about hobbits.

Peter Jackson is en route to New Zealand as we speak to get enough material for another 15-hour epic “in the can” before he dies of old age. His filming schedule is thought to look something like this:

• Film some hairy children jumping on and off horses
• Film old bloke holding staff aloft/spreading arms/bellowing
• Knock up vast monster army on computer
• Film hairy children hiding under big leaves
• Film old bloke/hairy children fighting giant creature
• Do scenes of vast monster army marching, fighting, grunting, etc.
• Film hairy children going into some sort of tavern
• Big battle scene with vast monster army: kill off old bloke
• Film hairy children hiding behind a rock
• As soon as book is published: Add titles, arrange shots into sequence, dub mumbo-jumbo dialogue

I can barely contain my excitement.

Also, if you play the theme music to Last Of The Summer Wine backwards and turn the sound right up you can clearly hear the words “Africa must revert to what it was before the imperialists divided it”.

The shirt (pictured) is one of mine from Tesco (in England) and bears not one but two signatures (Johannes Brahms, and Agnetha Faltskog from Abba).

To claim your chance to win this unique memento of Summer ’06, simply e-mail your name, address, credit card numbers, National Insurance number and approximate times you are out of the house to blogrot@englandshirt.com.