Category Archives: Photoshop

All UK “must eat more Q-Tips”

qtips.jpgA top UK judge made this astonishing pronouncement today, as pictured here by the BBC. He claims Q-Tips are a valuable source of protein and should be “force-fed to every man, woman and child in Britain”, along with beef brains and lead paint from China which apparently are “good for the backbone”.

See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.

The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.

It’s just not cricket

It's just not cricket

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

Books by repeat offenders

YOU PONCEI’ve just finished reading You Ponce by Lenny ‘The Fuckles’ Maguire. I’ve always poo-pooed those books by gangsters in the past but that was clearly snobbery on my part as it’s actually surprisingly well written. The guy has a peerless grasp of metaphor, for example often using the word ‘machete’ where you or I might say bon mot.

He was clearly trying it on so without further ado I cut him down to size with a well-chosen machete.

I thoroughly recommend the book to anyone as it’s a jolly good read. Next up: ‘Ave That You Twat by Jimmy the Hatchet.

The Four Faces of Sharon Osbourne

A day of looking at Mrs Osbourne’s evil witchy face (or even just half of it) was too much for me yesterday. Something had to be done.

The Four Faces of Sharon Osbourne

The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.

Lady in John Hurt

Irish crooner Chris de Burgh has paid 30 grand for the chest-burster from Alien. (Chris is the one at the top.)

He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.

Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:

Chris and 'Little Chris'Lady In John Hurt

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmm

I’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hide

I have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond belief

The Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out

I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.

AOS: Blogrot withdraws revolutionary new information service

It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Knighthood not enough for you is it?

Smug git.

AOS: blogrot launches revolutionary new information service!

I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

A distance of some 150 miles

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

Fetch out that Premier Cru we’ve been keeping, Mother, for I have hit it BIG!

Today is a day for celebration, for blogrot is now officially the world’s 277,199th most popular blog! I know, I can scarcely believe it myself! And it’s all down to you. Jeez, I love you guys.

OFFICIALLY the world's 277,199th most popular blog

New information: We’ve now slipped to 326,085th. You rotten bunch of arseholes. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you! Piss off.

Ignore my desserts at your peril, Western imperialist scum

JellyHey, see that story in the news about the jelly security alert in Germany? Yeah, that was me. I knew it would shit them up a bit. Far too serious about stuff like that, the Germans.

Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.

Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.

Save yourself some “Barney Rubble”, Mr Scorcese

Winstone/Cheadle Venn-Dyke DiagramWent to see The Departed last night. Don’t get me wrong, it was very good, but it did get me thinking: couldn’t they get Ray Winstone to play all the cockneys Don Cheadle‘s supposed to play, and get Don Cheadle to play the Americans Ray Winstone’s supposed to play? It would solve a lot of credibility issues, not to mention saving a fortune in wasted voice coach sessions.

Update: It’s just been suggested to me that Winstone is in fact play a Boston Irish hoodlum who has had a stroke which has left him with a partially Cockney accent. In that case I would like to commend his excellent performance and shift my criticism to Scorcese for losing this crucial back story detail in the editing suite.

The masks we wear

I had that Jack Straw in the back of my cab once.

He said, “Do you want to take that thing off your head, mate, so we can have a reasonable conversation?”

I said, “Ere, what you doing? Can’t you see my light’s off?”

I remember it well. I’d been sitting with the engine idling and the light off, just outside the bank.

He said, “With respect, that isn’t what’s pertinent to this debate. I put it to you that, in order for us to talk as individuals without the hindrance of cultural barriers…”

But then the alarm starts going off and the next minute Baz and Big Dave and Jimmy the Bastard are jumping back in and it’s all “Who the ‘ell’s this?” and then we’re off. Later we bashed him on the head and dumped him in an alley way. They reckon he’s never been right since.

CCTV footage. That ain't me, right?

Imagine a little hairy foot, stamping on a troll’s face, forever

Warning: May contain traces of plot and character developmentLord help us: Tolkein’s putting a new book out. Apparently he was still alive when he wrote the other stuff but I’m pretty certain his death won’t have upset his delicate balance of page-turning pace and witty characterisations.

It goes without saying that the book is very long and about hobbits.

Peter Jackson is en route to New Zealand as we speak to get enough material for another 15-hour epic “in the can” before he dies of old age. His filming schedule is thought to look something like this:

  • Film some hairy children jumping on and off horses
  • Film old bloke holding staff aloft/spreading arms/bellowing
  • Knock up vast monster army on computer
  • Film hairy children hiding under big leaves
  • Film old bloke/hairy children fighting giant creature
  • Do scenes of vast monster army marching, fighting, grunting, etc.
  • Film hairy children going into some sort of tavern
  • Big battle scene with vast monster army: kill off old bloke
  • Film hairy children hiding behind a rock
  • As soon as book is published: Add titles, arrange shots into sequence, dub mumbo-jumbo dialogue

I can barely contain my excitement.