A day of looking at Mrs Osbourne’s evil witchy face (or even just half of it) was too much for me yesterday. Something had to be done.
The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.
OK, OK, so British Airways planes are all jam-packed with lethal Soviet Polonium-210 alpha particles, but it’s not like it’s all bad news, is it? I mean, at least the staff aren’t wearing religious jewellery.
Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.
Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.
Irish crooner Chris de Burgh has paid 30 grand for the chest-burster from Alien. (Chris is the one at the top.)
He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.
Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:
Lady In John Hurt
I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmmI’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hideI have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond beliefThe Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out
I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.
I know we’re not supposed to judge people by their appearance, but honestly, would you let this woman look after your children?
She looks well dodgy to me. Her big dark pixels are too close together.
I just signed up for MySpace – not for one of their poxy horrible “blog” things, you understand, purely for experimentation purposes. Anyway, you’ve got to admire their efforts to keep the web free of colour blind people. Just imagine that – the colour blind preying on your kiddies and everything. It’s enough to make the flesh creep.
Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.
Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.
The world faces a terrifying and uncertain future today as the United States falls into the hands of pro-terror, anti-life lunatics. Wanton debauchery will surely follow. Listen to the podcast to hear leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi calling for a “nude erection” in Iraq. Meanwhile at a victory rally Democrats show al-Qaeda how America will be waging its “war on terror” from now on: gay men with water pistols.
Thank God we still have David Cameron otherwise all might truly be lost.
I was full of hope yesterday for a bright new future for the cow people, but it seems it is not to be. The Daily Mail leader column was typical of the general mood, speaking of “driving these ghastly bovine chimeras to the sea where we will drown them like cats”. For me it’s the 99.9% human that’s important, but some people just can’t see past the 0.1% cow.
It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.
It’s a tricky one this one, but I am assured these are two different shots.
It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.
Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??
There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.
Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.
AOS orders dried up literally over night.
Smug git.
I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:
Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?
And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:
AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.
Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.
One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.
However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…
AOS – Any Old Shite
Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.
I ate his liver with some Alphabetti Spaghetti and a Fruit Shoot.
Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-ff-fffff!
It just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? I told the scientists these miniature livers would never take off, but as usual they didn’t listen.
New information: I stand corrected. Apparently Brewster’s have put in a bulk order for their new range of stem-cell burgers with curly fries. Never let it be said I don’t admit when I’m wrong.
Today is a day for celebration, for blogrot is now officially the world’s 277,199th most popular blog! I know, I can scarcely believe it myself! And it’s all down to you. Jeez, I love you guys.
New information: We’ve now slipped to 326,085th. You rotten bunch of arseholes. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you! Piss off.
Further proof that White Van Man is some kind of post-ironic gay subculture: not only do they swerve closer to men in wigs, they also like listening to Queen.
I think this is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for, gentlemen.
Look what I saw at the petrol station tonight:
Clearly designed by a blogrot reader.
I bought one of course. When I think of all those unseasoned meals I’ve eaten during power cuts… that dreadful stroganoff from the total eclipse of ’98… but there’s no point in dwelling on these things.
