…don’t you sometimes wish they had more imagination than a five-year-old?

For supposedly creative people…, originally uploaded by bitrot.

I’m pretty sure I’m not.

A blogger blogging himself to death, yesterday

See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.

The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

It hasn’t always been this way, of course. In my day we had loads of stuff to occupy those long six weeks of the soul from July to August, including:

• Brushing up on our Spanish on Sesame Street (e.g. “¿Sabes porqué me llaman la cuenta? ¡Porque amo contar!” – I know, doesn’t work. That’s Spanish for you I’m afraid.)
• Waiting for Daley Thompson’s Decathlon to load on our ZX Spectrum
• Sticking all the stickers back on our Rubik’s Cube in the right order
• Applying tiny amounts of superglue to our friend’s sister’s doll so she had to sleep with her eyes open
• Spending a whole day talking like the Belfast Why Don’t You? gang (“Frr thos wun yu’ll need som glyee”)
• Filling our mouths with biscuit and water and then pretending to vomit on the pavement

Bored? The word hadn’t been invented.

A small boy, yesterday, shortly before he became bored and turned to terrorism.

However, on the other hand – the glass-half-full hand, the we-shall-not-succumb-to-the-evildoers hand – England now has a smoking ban in all public places. So, you know, it’s not all bad, is it?

Plus, blogrot’s little smoking ciggy countdown doodah worked a treat, which is yet another bonus.

You see? It’s all in the way you look at it.

The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.

Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.

United Nations by Photochiel.

Thank God we still have David Cameron otherwise all might truly be lost.

It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.

A Face In The CrOWd by MykReeve.

“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.

I replied that I was just browsing.

“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”

“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”

“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”

Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.

I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?

It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?

Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.

There are before and after photos on Flickr, as well as a BBC report.

It’s all a bit of a shame really. I have some quite fond memories of the place, including:

• My interview in a room with a piano and a carriage clock in it
• The company chairman telling me that one of my colleagues was “not a nice guy: he’s a c**t”
• The proud display of dead wasps, in a worryingly neat line, in the sales office
• The strategic placing of a huge hot water urn on the very edge of the kitchen top so that its power cable stretched tightly across the fire exit
• The new bloke who lasted only four days, during which he kept hearing mysterious noises, asked me if I’d ever read any books on psychosis, and then disappeared for an afternoon to go for a lie down

Happy days indeed.

Photo: Pile of rubble by hugovk

I reckon it’ll just be, like, a pinkish colour, a bit like houmous.

Photo: A smile for the camera, please! by Reciprocity

It’s true, apparently.

Photo: by leadbetter74

Photo: Disabled badger holders only by drewm

Photo: March 18, 2006 – 17:35 by Hugo*

Well, let me try to “straighten the tilt” (I just made that up) with a link to some pictures of Yangchuanosauruses on Flickr. You’ll notice that most of them come from Atlanta airport in the US, the last great Yangchuanosaurus game reserve, where their natural prey (tourists) are abundant. They also love watching all the aeroplanes.

Next week: where have all the woolly mammoths gone from Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof?

Quick kids, into the basement. Don’t worry about Aunt Lucy, that ole coot’s mad as a grasshopper.

Or something like that.

Photo: The Attack of the Tomato Spiders!!! by bitrot