…don’t you sometimes wish they had more imagination than a five-year-old?
“Are bloggers blogging themselves to death?” asks the Guardian.
I’m pretty sure I’m not.
A top UK judge made this astonishing pronouncement today, as pictured here by the BBC. He claims Q-Tips are a valuable source of protein and should be “force-fed to every man, woman and child in Britain”, along with beef brains and lead paint from China which apparently are “good for the backbone”.
See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.
The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.
The cricket crisis continues to roll on.
The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.
Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”
I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.
Youths ‘bored in school holidays’ reveals the BBC in yet another bit of piercing investigative journalism. However do they do it? They’re so down with the kids they must be scraping their faces on the pavement. The mind boggles at the ability of those 30-something men in ties to to connect with the adolescent zeitgeist.
It hasn’t always been this way, of course. In my day we had loads of stuff to occupy those long six weeks of the soul from July to August, including:
- Brushing up on our Spanish on Sesame Street (e.g. “¿Sabes porqué me llaman la cuenta? ¡Porque amo contar!” – I know, doesn’t work. That’s Spanish for you I’m afraid.)
- Waiting for Daley Thompson’s Decathlon to load on our ZX Spectrum
- Sticking all the stickers back on our Rubik’s Cube in the right order
- Applying tiny amounts of superglue to our friend’s sister’s doll so she had to sleep with her eyes open
- Spending a whole day talking like the Belfast Why Don’t You? gang (“Frr thos wun yu’ll need som glyee”)
- Filling our mouths with biscuit and water and then pretending to vomit on the pavement
Bored? The word hadn’t been invented.
OK, on the one hand – the Glasgow-airport’s-on-fire hand – everything looks really really bad.
However, on the other hand – the glass-half-full hand, the we-shall-not-succumb-to-the-evildoers hand – England now has a smoking ban in all public places. So, you know, it’s not all bad, is it?
Plus, blogrot’s little smoking ciggy countdown doodah worked a treat, which is yet another bonus.
You see? It’s all in the way you look at it.
I am delighted to announce the opening of my new art gallery. Please feel free to visit: entry is free for Lego people.
A day of looking at Mrs Osbourne’s evil witchy face (or even just half of it) was too much for me yesterday. Something had to be done.
The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.
OK, OK, so British Airways planes are all jam-packed with lethal Soviet Polonium-210 alpha particles, but it’s not like it’s all bad news, is it? I mean, at least the staff aren’t wearing religious jewellery.
Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.
Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.
The world faces a terrifying and uncertain future today as the United States falls into the hands of pro-terror, anti-life lunatics. Wanton debauchery will surely follow. Listen to the podcast to hear leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi calling for a “nude erection” in Iraq. Meanwhile at a victory rally Democrats show al-Qaeda how America will be waging its “war on terror” from now on: gay men with water pistols.
Thank God we still have David Cameron otherwise all might truly be lost.
I was full of hope yesterday for a bright new future for the cow people, but it seems it is not to be. The Daily Mail leader column was typical of the general mood, speaking of “driving these ghastly bovine chimeras to the sea where we will drown them like cats”. For me it’s the 99.9% human that’s important, but some people just can’t see past the 0.1% cow.
It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.
I went to the Manchester Apple Store the other day for a quick prod of the wares. I was mucking about with a MacBook laptop when I was approached by some goon wearing an official Apple T-shirt and dangly badge.
“Need any help there, mate?” asked the goon.
I replied that I was just browsing.
“Yeah, cool,” he grinned. “Are you a Mac user yourself?”
“No,” I said, “PC I’m afraid.”
“Ah,” he said, leaning in with the air of a man about to reveal to me a life-altering truth, “the inferior operating system!”
Honestly, what a dick. The crazy-eyed zealot went on to tell me that Microsoft Office is better on the Mac because it was written (by Microsoft) for the Mac first then ported (by Microsoft) to Microsoft Windows. Eventually I had to pull down his dangly badge and twang it up into his chin to escape.
I should know better. You wouldn’t walk into a Mormon temple without expecting to be told we’re all going to heaven in a magic spaceship. But must I really have to put up with this brainwashed pigshit every time I want to dribble over some overpriced technology? Where are my human rights in all this?
It is for this reason that Bill Gates will always win. Just like Blair, who needs an argument when the opposition are all maniacs?
Photo: a man hurries past the den of crazies clutching a talismanic John Lewis bag. By me.
Past colleagues at Teleca UK will no doubt be as moved as I was to discover that 634 Wilsmlow Road fell down this week. It was being converted into “luxury flats” when it was accidentally turned into a pile of rubble instead, trapping two workers in the basement for 45 minutes. (Big deal: I was trapped down there for three months!)
It’s all a bit of a shame really. I have some quite fond memories of the place, including:
- My interview in a room with a piano and a carriage clock in it
- The company chairman telling me that one of my colleagues was “not a nice guy: he’s a c**t”
- The proud display of dead wasps, in a worryingly neat line, in the sales office
- The strategic placing of a huge hot water urn on the very edge of the kitchen top so that its power cable stretched tightly across the fire exit
- The new bloke who lasted only four days, during which he kept hearing mysterious noises, asked me if I’d ever read any books on psychosis, and then disappeared for an afternoon to go for a lie down
Happy days indeed.