blogrot » Open Letters

Open letter to August

Pig on Wheels — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:23:18 +0000

You call that summer? Seriously? You used to be so much fun.

You disgust me.

Open letter to all BMW drivers

Pig on Wheels — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 06:48:47 +0000

They’re those little orange flashy-type lights on the corners of your car. There’s usually a stick for them somewhere behind the steering wheel. Try to think back: I’m sure it was covered in your driving lessons.

Open letter to the staff of Carphone Warehouse, Urmston, Manchester

Pig on Wheels — Fri, 22 Sep 2006 12:22:11 +0000

You big bunch of bastards. I spit on you.

Open letter to the woman at Millie’s Cookies, Euston Station concourse, London

Pig on Wheels — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 22:43:20 +0000

I felt I ought to write regarding that phrase I used earlier: “a tiny bit of milk”. You see, up where I’m from that has quite a specific meaning, namely: “just a very small quantity of milk”. In fact, you’ll often see it accompanied (as demonstrated earlier today by myself) by the thumb and forefinger held just a hair’s breadth apart, indicating smallness or sparsity.

It does not mean (as you appear to have interpreted it): “please take a tea-bag, wring it out under the tap, and then drop it into a cup of hot milk”. I accept that both phrases use the word “milk”, which perhaps is where the confusion arose. But there, as I think you’ll begin to see on closer examination, the similarity pretty much stops.

Can I take this opportunity to apologise for any distress caused by my vagueness on the milk issue, and to assure you that it will not happen again?

Thank you,

Pig on Wheels.