Category Archives: Inventions

Less than whelmed

I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to get too excited by a millionaire in a purpose-built flying-round-the-world plane managing to fly round the world in his plane. I’m even less whelmed than I was when that woman in a purpose-built sailing-round-the-globe boat sailed round the globe. There was a lot of comment then about how the Age of Adventure had died and been replaced by the Age of Global Circumnavigation by GPS and Laptop, and I suppose we can expect more of the same now for whatsisname Gusset.

But, you know, it doesn’t have to be like that. There are loads of ways round the world that would still amaze me. People just need to be a bit more creative. For example:

  • Around the World by Zip-Line. Our plucky adventurer would start off climbing the world’s tallest ever ladder (gasp!) – possibly into the, like, outer stratosphere or something (oooh!) – then holding on to a rickety T-bar and descending for around 2 weeks until they reach the bottom of the ladder again having gone round the WHOLE FUCKING GLOBE! Imagine that! I’d wet myself!
  • Around the World by Home-Made Segway. This would have to be accomplished by George W Bush who, as we can see, struggles to get around the block on a real one.
    UPDATE: He’s just got a problem with two wheels, full stop.
  • Around the world by Schwinn Giraffe (a.k.a. a 6-foot acrobatic unicycle). This would need to be accomplished in full clown costume because otherwise you’d just look silly.
  • Around the World by My Brother Simon’s First Car, a Second-Hand Vauxhall Chevette with Sick Down One Side. This was our means of transport each day one summer from my mum and dad’s house into Crosby village – a distance of some 1 mile. The “car” could make it to a distance of about 0.9 miles before overheating, cutting out and making a funny smell. Our workaround to this (short of getting it fixed, obviously, because that would have cost money) was to drive it as far as the roundabout just next to Sainsbury’s car park then stick it in neutral, jump out and push the rest of the way. No, really. If some bugger managed to get that heap of shite round the globe they’d be on the front page of every newspaper for a year.