Category Archives: Inventions

If this post looks different

…it’s because I’m typing it on my iPhone. I do everything on my iPhone these days. If there was a job where you could get paid for buggering about on an iPhone I’d be filling in the application form right now – provided of course that I could fill it in on my iPhone.

I’m also on the toilet. This, my friends, is the future.

Bitrot simulates COMPLETE mouse brain on RUBBISH computer

Some boffins have managed to simulate half a virtual mouse brain on a supercomputer.

Isn’t that just typical of boffins? Give them an easy job and they all run around with biros behind their ears throwing supercomputers at it willy-nilly! And even then they only half solve it! Talk about using a sledgehammer to crush half a nut.

Here’s how it should be done, as demonstrated by me, on a simple home PC:

10 EAT CHEESE
20 ESCAPE FROM CAT
30 GOTO 10

There, that wasn’t hard, was it?

AOS: Blogrot withdraws revolutionary new information service

It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Knighthood not enough for you is it?

Smug git.

AOS: blogrot launches revolutionary new information service!

I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

A distance of some 150 miles

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

A fistful of twenties

It’s often claimed that Western civilisation’s “Big Leap Forward” was when Albert Einstein invented the number zero, and so it’s a source of much bafflement to commentators that the numeracy fad has never caught on in France. Let me illustrate with a recent conversation from my holidays, which I have translated into English for your convenience:

- So, how much is that then?
- Ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven, sir.
- You mean… seventeen Euros ninety-seven?
- That’s right, sir: ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven.

What the hell is that all about? They might as well be using binary. It’s no wonder they can’t handle advanced counting systems such as quarts, ounces and furlongs. It is for this precise reason that we never let them into the Commonwealth and they’ve hated us for it ever since.

zidane.jpg
Famous Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, seen here playing in the “Number Two Threes Plus Two Plus the Square Root of Four” shirt.

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Will Smith attempts to buy a bag of apples yesterdayPlease remove the item.

Item removed from bagging area: please replace the item or press Cancel Item.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

etc.

A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.

I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.

The Inflating Flashbag

Data-centric gadget-crazy long-distance business traveller? Then worry no more: all your prayers have just been answered! When your plane goes down over the Pacific, you’ll be the first to be found, floating pocket-upwards, thanks to the bloody ludicrous Inflating Flashbag!

Likewise, your keys will be protected in the event of a side-on car crash! The list goes on…

I just cooled to say I love you

Barmy French couple cremated after big thaw in home-made cryogenic chamber.

No, really. Here’s a titbit:

He once told reporters that ideally he would like to open his wife’s freezer every day and tell her “Hello, I’m so glad to see you”, but that it was better it stayed shut. He said he opened it to check it every five years.

I’ll have to remember that one. “I’d love to sit and talk, dear, but it’s better if we don’t. How are you fixed for 2011?”

Given the particulars of this tragic case, anyone thinking of building their own cryogenic facility might want to consider that John Lewis offers excellent service packages on all white goods, in most cases extendable to 5 years.

Mouse Of Two Cursor

Duality: how it’s fascinated the great creative souls of our generation. From Status Quo’s Dog Of Two Head to the Spice Girls’ Two Become One, our great thinkers have… erm… sorry, I’ve lost my thread a bit.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, that was it. Conclusive proof that the Japanese are all barmy finally comes in the shape of the two-cursored mouse. One mouse: two cursors. No idea how it works. Mad as a box of frogs, the lot of them.

HELLO? I’M ON THE MOUSE!

Mouse phoneSony has announced the ultimate gizmo for 2006: a mouse with a phone built into it. I’m even more excited than I was when the boffins announced that mouse with an ear built into it a few years ago. Similar idea, of course, except Sony’s comes in three different colours.

It got me thinking about other hybrid devices we might all benefit from.

The Coffeeboard
A keyboard that also makes coffee, tea and other hot drinks. Simply type “L-A-T-T-E”, “E-A-R-L-G-R-E-Y” or “N-I-C-E-C-U-P-O-F-H-O-R-L-I-C-K-S” and the drink of your choice comes dribbling out the side and forms in a puddle on the desk. Logitech will produce one with special “One Sugar” and “Two Sugar” buttons for dummies. Real men will use F2 and Ctrl+F5 respectively.

The RomTom (or TomCom)
An in-car navigation system that will guide you to the nearest cinema showing a romantic comedy starring Meg Ryan. There’ll be big bucks in tie-in deals with the major studios, you mark my words. Hit titles will include When Harry Successfully Navigated His Way To Sally and Sleepless in 47°36’0″ N, 122°19’0″ W.

The Cameracopier
Put simply, it’s a photocopier with a camera built in. The ultimate accessory in non-portable photography, the Cameracopier will enable people to take pictures of small grey rooms with hitherto unimagined ease. It won’t be long until the Finns break ahead of the pack with a copier bearing two cameras, or even three. The sky’s the limit. In a perverse echo of the Wilkinson Sword/Gillette Blade Race of the 1990s, progress won’t be halted until we have a copier that’s completely encrusted with tiny cameras, like some giant fly’s eye. Flickr will spin off a whole separate site for pictures of grey rooms. It’s the future.

The Jetboots
It’s, like, boots, but with jets. I’m surprised nobody’s thought of this stuff before. I’m on a roll.

The FacePod
An infinitesimally cute white MP3 player that can perform an emergency face transplant. The competitors, with their silly obsessions with this many hours of video, or that many gigabytes of “songs”, will stand back and gasp as the FacePod leaps into action after a savage dog attack, repairing delicate nerve endings and popping your eyes back in. Your friends will be slack-jawed with amazement. You’ll just be slack-jawed.

Trevor Bayliss, eat your heart out.

Prime Blades

Life imitates Onion. It’s uncanny: the Onion got it spot on, right down to the second lubra-strip. It makes you wonder where Gillette’s R&D department are getting their ideas from.

Mathematically-minded (or bored) observers will have noticed that, in leapfrogging the 4-blade solution, Gillette has established an interesting protocol: only producing razors with a prime number of blades. Next comes the 7-bladed razor, then 11, then finally the one we’ve all been waiting for: a square-headed, quadra-lubra-stripped, 13-bladed behemoth, powered by a car battery and aptly named the “Gillette Unlucky For Some”.

Interesting times.