By all means Shake ‘n’ Vac, says Putin, just don’t Squeeze ‘n’ Korea.
Sound advice.
Archive for the 'Humour' Category
Further proof that White Van Man is some kind of post-ironic gay subculture: not only do they swerve closer to men in wigs, they also like listening to Queen.
I think this is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for, gentlemen.
Hey, see that story in the news about the jelly security alert in Germany? Yeah, that was me. I knew it would shit them up a bit. Far too serious about stuff like that, the Germans.
Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.
Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met - probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present my latest movie. This one’s a music video entitled Do The Hood Thing (Right At The Back):
(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)
Music by Nokia.
Vocals by Hannah and Lauren.
Snorting by Nicola.
Shapes by Me.
Update: At time of writing (about 5 minutes after posting the video) its two most “related” items on YouTube are entitles NIGGAZ HAVIN FUN and Booty basics #1. I think that’s what we call a result.
I had that Jack Straw in the back of my cab once.
He said, “Do you want to take that thing off your head, mate, so we can have a reasonable conversation?”
I said, “Ere, what you doing? Can’t you see my light’s off?”
I remember it well. I’d been sitting with the engine idling and the light off, just outside the bank.
He said, “With respect, that isn’t what’s pertinent to this debate. I put it to you that, in order for us to talk as individuals without the hindrance of cultural barriers…”
But then the alarm starts going off and the next minute Baz and Big Dave and Jimmy the Bastard are jumping back in and it’s all “Who the ‘ell’s this?” and then we’re off. Later we bashed him on the head and dumped him in an alley way. They reckon he’s never been right since.
Lord help us: Tolkein’s putting a new book out. Apparently he was still alive when he wrote the other stuff but I’m pretty certain his death won’t have upset his delicate balance of page-turning pace and witty characterisations.
It goes without saying that the book is very long and about hobbits.
Peter Jackson is en route to New Zealand as we speak to get enough material for another 15-hour epic “in the can” before he dies of old age. His filming schedule is thought to look something like this:
- Film some hairy children jumping on and off horses
- Film old bloke holding staff aloft/spreading arms/bellowing
- Knock up vast monster army on computer
- Film hairy children hiding under big leaves
- Film old bloke/hairy children fighting giant creature
- Do scenes of vast monster army marching, fighting, grunting, etc.
- Film hairy children going into some sort of tavern
- Big battle scene with vast monster army: kill off old bloke
- Film hairy children hiding behind a rock
- As soon as book is published: Add titles, arrange shots into sequence, dub mumbo-jumbo dialogue
I can barely contain my excitement.
It’s just been pointed out to me that Mugabe is “E’ ba gum” backwards.
Also, if you play the theme music to Last Of The Summer Wine backwards and turn the sound right up you can clearly hear the words “Africa must revert to what it was before the imperialists divided it”.
They say that his response to that Diana thing was the making of him, but just look how quickly Blair pushes Steve Irwin off the front pages to peddle his own obscene agenda. Mark my words, these are his true colours coming through now.
For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??
Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday
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A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.
I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.
If you hate You’ve Been Framed! then you’ll love Kicked In The Nuts!
Actually, people who love You’ve Been Maimed! will like it too but for different reasons.
Blogrot Tip of the Day: Don’t miss the sequence at the funeral parlour in Episode 2.
…then Wah Kazoo must surely be the botulism.
It’s the kazoo, played through a wah-wah pedal. Here, have a listen:
Heard this morning on the radio:
What’s red and white and goes beep beep beep?
The England open-top bus reversing back into the garage.
This is my final word on the whole sordid topic. I never really liked football anyway. How’s Henman doing in the cricket?
I’m off to a stag do in Leeds this weekend. Below is a list of challenges set before the groom-to-be by his best man. I apologise if you find any of this offensive. I certainly do. In fact, I’m thinking of not going.
- Eat a vindaloo
- Wear fancy dress to the cricket - outfit to be arranged by the best man
- Get a picture with either a member of the emergency services or a tramp
- Down a pint of Whitelocks (real ale bar) strongest ale in one
- Get a kiss off a blonde, brunette, redhead, short haired and long haired woman (no tongues)
- Acquire an item of female underwear (Best bet for this is a trade with a hen on a hen night so my advice is to wear some old grollies that you don’t mind losing)
- Use the following chat up lines at least 3 times on different birds
- Do you the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job? No? Fancy meeting up for lunch tomorrow?
- Reckon I could snatch a kiss tonight? Or even better vice versa?
- Lets play Titanic - when I shout “iceberg” you go down
- Go into a small newsagents and ask them if they sell fridge freezers, when they look at you as if you are stupid or say no, say what about Washer dryers then? Leave quickly before they call the police.
- Walk up to the receptionist at the hotel, say you just put £2 in the condom machine in the gents and it didn’t work and could she sort you out.
NB The suggestion of the groom walking into a bar holding a Cornish pasty above his head shouting “I’ve got a bomb!” failed to make the list on account of its likelihood of him getting arrested.
I’ll report back soon.
It was silly season for nonsensical punditry this morning after the Arsenal’s defeat in some football match yesterday. I don’t pretend to be some kind of sports expert, but I do like to think I know bullshit when I smell it.
“Arsenal will come home knowing at least they’re a team who pass the ball,” said one eminent thinker asked whether there was any consolation in getting roundly thrashed.
“It’s a double disappointment,” commented another. “They’ll be disappointed for themselves, but also for their team mates, and also for the fans.”
“The ball went up in the air, and then it came down again,” said a third (or in football parlance, a second). “It went forwards and backwards too, and sort of sideways a bit, and at least three times it went in that net thingy.”
OK, the last one was me, just as the bastards at 5 Live hung up on me. But the rest were actual experts on football, not that you’d guess.
The answers to yesterday’s Spot the Difference competition:
- Condom logo less visible, top left.
- Giant gyroscopic candle/bowl has taken one quarter turn clockwise.
- Kennedy passed out, replaced by waxwork.
- Cameron now wearing large floral necklace.
I was only kidding when I said there were 10.