Well I simply say: Karl Marx, you’re full of shit.

And shortly after that I say: here you go, have another YouTube video.

Turns out that in September I offended a group of Icelandic fundamentalists with my cheap fisting gag. Icelandic fundamentalists are a lot like Islamic fundamentalists but with warmer coats and a fanatical hatred of Kerry Katona. They did some digging and found that I’d recently named my pet cat Björk and after that it was just non-stop hate mail, effigy burning, flaxen-haired trawlermen outside the house demanding my death – you know the sort of thing.

In a last-ditch attempt to placate them I renamed the cat Atomic Kitten and that’s when the shit really hit the fan. Should I have known about the Kerry Katona thing? In retrospect, yeah, perhaps I should. Call me naive if you like – I just thought it was a nice name for a cat. In the end I felt I had no option but to stage my own death, cash in on the life insurance, go to Panama and buy a couple of yachts. Honestly, it’s been a living nightmare.

But now I find myself back in the UK and I’ll say one thing for British prisons: they know how to keep a man safe from Icelandic fundamentalism. I could get used to it in here.

Just one final note for my next-door neighbour (whose identity is obviously best not revealed for her own sake): please tell Atomic Kitten I forgive her for all the trouble she’s caused and I’m not dead after all. And make sure you do it that way round: get her feeling guilty first and then hopefully you can slip the not dead thing in “under the radar” as it were. I know one day she’ll understand.

etc.

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

Someone said that other bloke, the one with the mouth who sits next to him, was going to get his job? So obviously a hoax I didn’t even give it a second thought.

Sometimes a horse walking into a bar is far from funny.

Audio from Bill Hicks: Rant in E Minor

SIGNING GUY IN BBC NEWS SHOW IS STRETCHED TO HIS LIMITS BY AN ODD REPORT. HE MANAGES.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

(I think it’s very funny.)

Update: More geology humour:

He was clearly trying it on so without further ado I cut him down to size with a well-chosen machete.

I thoroughly recommend the book to anyone as it’s a jolly good read. Next up: ‘Ave That You Twat by Jimmy the Hatchet.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

I would say more but my publicist has urged me not to before the book is out and I’ve been on a few chat shows.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

(A dinosaur-sized “big-up” to this chap for finally providing the means to post bilge from YouTube on blogrot.)

Sound advice.

I think this is the smoking gun we’ve been looking for, gentlemen.

Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.

Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

Music by Nokia.
Vocals by Hannah and Lauren.
Snorting by Nicola.
Shapes by Me.

Update: At time of writing (about 5 minutes after posting the video) its two most “related” items on YouTube are entitles NIGGAZ HAVIN FUN and Booty basics #1. I think that’s what we call a result.

He said, “Do you want to take that thing off your head, mate, so we can have a reasonable conversation?”

I said, “Ere, what you doing? Can’t you see my light’s off?”

I remember it well. I’d been sitting with the engine idling and the light off, just outside the bank.

He said, “With respect, that isn’t what’s pertinent to this debate. I put it to you that, in order for us to talk as individuals without the hindrance of cultural barriers…”

But then the alarm starts going off and the next minute Baz and Big Dave and Jimmy the Bastard are jumping back in and it’s all “Who the ‘ell’s this?” and then we’re off. Later we bashed him on the head and dumped him in an alley way. They reckon he’s never been right since.