blogrot » B-dum tish!

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got

Pig on Wheels — Sat, 03 Mar 2007 15:06:58 +0000

I’m still, I’m still very much an amateur geologist.

Update: More geology humour:

B-dum tish! (Part 5)

Pig on Wheels — Tue, 18 Apr 2006 23:25:07 +0000

I just watched a TV programme with Mystic Meg and Derek Acorah. You’d expect them to have loads in common, but no, it was all bickering and one-upmanship and they both had faces on them like a slapped arse.

Honestly, there’s no happy medium.

Iranian joke

Pig on Wheels — Fri, 14 Apr 2006 08:15:06 +0000

Following on from the Russian joke, the Guardian today brings us a cracking Iranian joke:

A man dies and goes to hell, where he sees President Ahmadinejad dancing with the Hollywood star Jennifer Lopez. “Is this Ahmadinejad’s punishment?” he asks.

“No,” comes the reply. “It is Jennifer Lopez’s punishment.”

Laugh? I nearly enriched uranium!

Next week: the classic Burmese routine about the long-faced horse that fled into exile after opposing the military junta!

Russian joke

Pig on Wheels — Mon, 20 Mar 2006 21:51:10 +0000

One of blogrot’s finest joke collectors has just returned from a field trip to St Petersburg. In Russia they can’t afford proper jokes so they have to make do with ones like this:

An American tourist sees two Russian workers in a field.

One is digging a line of holes in the ground, the other follows behind filling them in.

The tourist, intrigued, walks up to them and asks: “What are you two guys doing? Why is one of you digging holes then the other one filling them in again?”

One of workers replies: “And then the horse says: why the long potato?”

Geddit?? No, he didn’t really. He said, “Actually there are three of us. The comrade who plants the trees is off today.” B’dum tishski.

Putin promised the people of Russia better jokes when he came to power, but he lost Norman Wisdom to King Zog of Albania in a poker match and since then things have gone really down hill.

What is respect?

Pig on Wheels — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 13:55:00 +0000

Respect is the word on everyone’s lips today, it seems. The BBC even goes as far as asking a select group of prominent thinkers, theologians and rappers what is respect? The common concensus appears to be that it’s the antithesis of violence and loutishness. After all, didn’t Fur Q once remind us that “you can’t kill everybody, because then you’d have nobody left to respect”?

Anyway, it all goes to show how far off beam I was. I always thought respect was what you got when you wore an expensive watch in the wrong kind of chicken coop.

I-thank-you.

Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Sith?

Pig on Wheels — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 20:34:00 +0000

I got Revenge of the Sith for Christmas. Did you?

Is it just me, or is everything Sith?

And then there were nun

Pig on Wheels — Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:54:06 +0000

Brothers and sisters, tragedy has struck. The world-famous Mother Teresa Nun Bun (as featured on blogrot) has been stolen by ruthless thieves.

The bun is in blogrot’s thoughts and we pray for its safe return.

B-dum tish! (Part 4)

Pig on Wheels — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 11:58:42 +0000

Zombie movies are so in these days: we’ve got fast zombies, comeback zombies, even zombie rom-coms – the whole shebang.

Amazingly, though, bitrot has spotted a niche in this seemingly saturated market: the period zombie movie. Think about it: people love period movies… everyone loves zombie movies… it’s a combination to die and then come back from the dead for. As you read this I’m making a joint pitch of my script to George A. Romero and Merchant/Ivory. Watch out for it on a billboard near you: Anthony Hopkins and Judi Dench, plus a load of white-eyed extras, in… The Day of the Remains.

The Big Question

Pig on Wheels — Sat, 09 Apr 2005 09:14:00 +0000

Now that Charles and Camilla are married, do you think it will it take some of the excitement out of the sex?

This is the kind of crucial question which demands debate at a national level, but which rarely gets air time on the Today programme and the like. I propose we send Nicholas Witchell in to get the answer straight from the horse’s mouth. Or from Charles, if she’s still in bed.

B-dum tish! (Part 3)

Pig on Wheels — Sun, 06 Mar 2005 08:11:18 +0000

I love those new snacks shaped like Othello and Morgan Freeman in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. They’re so Moorish.

B-dum tish! (Part 2)

Pig on Wheels — Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:17:00 +0000

Cup of tea, Mr 'Erriot?

B-dum tish! (Part 1)

Pig on Wheels — Fri, 04 Mar 2005 12:06:00 +0000

Greater Manchester bus humour

Pig on Wheels — Sun, 27 Feb 2005 18:01:00 +0000

Bloke gets onto a bus in Manchester.
Bloke: Is this bus for Sale?
Driver: Yes mate.
Bloke: Excellent! How much?
Driver: £2.30
Bloke: £2.30 for a bus? That’s a bargain!
Driver: You what?
Bloke: Ha-ha, geddit? Bus – for – sale? Ha-ha.
Driver: £2.30 or get off my bus you tit.

Well, it seemed funny at the time.

Next week: the day I went into Selfridges and asked if they sell fridges…

Straw defies EU

Pig on Wheels — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 09:56:01 +0000

There are unofficial reports that Jack Straw has defied the EU and delivered a personal pledge to the Turkish to accelerate their entry to the EU. Apparently he was overheard in Waitrose this week saying he’d definitely get Turkey in before next weekend.

Thanks to Chubby Bat for another piss-poor Whitaker Christmas joke.

BBC Pitch

Pig on Wheels — Tue, 14 Dec 2004 10:59:04 +0000

I’ve got an idea I’m thinking of pitching to the BBC. Let me know what you think:

INTERIOR: DINING ROOM. RUPERT and FIONA are hosting a dinner party for their friends TARQUIN and JAZMELLA.

TARQUIN: So Rupe, they’ve given you the Jag now. How did you manage that, you old dog?
FIONA: Oh do tell him about your quarterly figures, darling, do!
RUPERT: Sure. But wouldn’t you rather know that 34% of Nicaragua’s GDP derives from the so-called “cash crops” of bananas, coffee and tobacco?

TARQUIN and JAZMELLA gasp in awe. FIONA gazes at RUPERT longingly and absently fingers her necklace.

CUT TO: INTERIOR: LIVING ROOM. RUPERT, FIONA, TARQUIN and JAZMELLA sit around a roaring fire with glasses of port. FIONA sits on an Afghan rug with her head on RUPERT’s knee.

JAZMELLA: Fee, what is this port? It’s absolutely divine.
FIONA: Oh, Rupert chose it, didn’t you darling? He’s ever so good.
RUPERT: Yes, but more importantly the most popular early lead additive to petrol was tetra-ethyl lead, a toxic organometallic compound with the formula (CH₂CH₃)₄Pb.

TARQUIN nods with a wry smile. JAZMELLA looks aside and blushes. FIONA catches her breath, strokes RUPERT’s thigh and mouths “God, I love you.”

CUT TO: INTERIOR: BEDROOM. RUPERT and FIONA are both in bed, naked. RUPERT rolls over and lights a cigarette.

FIONA: Darling, that was amazing. You gave me three orgasms without resorting to penetration. How on earth do you do it?
RUPERT: Simple: I just pressed the red button.

They laugh and shag and live happily ever after, because everyone loves a know-it-all smart-arse bastard.

Bottom feeder

Pig on Wheels — Sun, 24 Oct 2004 22:46:24 +0000

The latest streak of genius to wow the modern art world is 4-year-old American Marla Olmstead. Marla paints works of abstract expressionism which are selling like hot, ludicrously overpriced cakes to the New York cognoscenti.

Hmmm.

I have genuine trouble distinguishing Marla’s paintings from the various works by my own 4-year-old daughters that adorn our kitchen walls. As far as I can make out, the key distinctions are:
(a) Nobody has ever paid us $15,000 for one of Hannah or Lauren’s paintings, and
(b) Theirs are called things like “Monster” or “Butterfly” or “Mummy”. Marla’s, on the other hand, have titles. And not just any old titles: bo proper arty titles like “Ode to Pollock“, “Digits III” and “Bottom Feeder“.

Hannah and Lauren used to be bottom feeders too, but they grew out of it aged around 2.