Category Archives: B-dum tish!

Iranian joke

Following on from the Russian joke, the Guardian today brings us a cracking Iranian joke:

A man dies and goes to hell, where he sees President Ahmadinejad dancing with the Hollywood star Jennifer Lopez. “Is this Ahmadinejad’s punishment?” he asks.

“No,” comes the reply. “It is Jennifer Lopez’s punishment.”

Laugh? I nearly enriched uranium!

Next week: the classic Burmese routine about the long-faced horse that fled into exile after opposing the military junta!

Russian joke

One of blogrot’s finest joke collectors has just returned from a field trip to St Petersburg. In Russia they can’t afford proper jokes so they have to make do with ones like this:

An American tourist sees two Russian workers in a field.

One is digging a line of holes in the ground, the other follows behind filling them in.

The tourist, intrigued, walks up to them and asks: “What are you two guys doing? Why is one of you digging holes then the other one filling them in again?”

One of workers replies: “And then the horse says: why the long potato?”

Geddit?? No, he didn’t really. He said, “Actually there are three of us. The comrade who plants the trees is off today.” B’dum tishski.

Putin promised the people of Russia better jokes when he came to power, but he lost Norman Wisdom to King Zog of Albania in a poker match and since then things have gone really down hill.

What is respect?

Respect is the word on everyone’s lips today, it seems. The BBC even goes as far as asking a select group of prominent thinkers, theologians and rappers what is respect? The common concensus appears to be that it’s the antithesis of violence and loutishness. After all, didn’t Fur Q once remind us that “you can’t kill everybody, because then you’d have nobody left to respect”?

Anyway, it all goes to show how far off beam I was. I always thought respect was what you got when you wore an expensive watch in the wrong kind of chicken coop.

Written on the side of the dove are six categories

I-thank-you.

B-dum tish! (Part 4)

Zombie movies are so in these days: we’ve got fast zombies, comeback zombies, even zombie rom-coms – the whole shebang.

Amazingly, though, bitrot has spotted a niche in this seemingly saturated market: the period zombie movie. Think about it: people love period movies… everyone loves zombie movies… it’s a combination to die and then come back from the dead for. As you read this I’m making a joint pitch of my script to George A. Romero and Merchant/Ivory. Watch out for it on a billboard near you: Anthony Hopkins and Judi Dench, plus a load of white-eyed extras, in… The Day of the Remains.

The Big Question

Now that Charles and Camilla are married, do you think it will it take some of the excitement out of the sex?

This is the kind of crucial question which demands debate at a national level, but which rarely gets air time on the Today programme and the like. I propose we send Nicholas Witchell in to get the answer straight from the horse’s mouth. Or from Charles, if she’s still in bed.

Greater Manchester bus humour

Bloke gets onto a bus in Manchester.
Bloke: Is this bus for Sale?
Driver: Yes mate.
Bloke: Excellent! How much?
Driver: £2.30
Bloke: £2.30 for a bus? That’s a bargain!
Driver: You what?
Bloke: Ha-ha, geddit? Bus – for – sale? Ha-ha.
Driver: £2.30 or get off my bus you tit.

Well, it seemed funny at the time.

Next week: the day I went into Selfridges and asked if they sell fridges…

Straw defies EU

There are unofficial reports that Jack Straw has defied the EU and delivered a personal pledge to the Turkish to accelerate their entry to the EU. Apparently he was overheard in Waitrose this week saying he’d definitely get Turkey in before next weekend.

Thanks to Chubby Bat for another piss-poor Whitaker Christmas joke.

BBC Pitch

I’ve got an idea I’m thinking of pitching to the BBC. Let me know what you think:

INTERIOR: DINING ROOM. RUPERT and FIONA are hosting a dinner party for their friends TARQUIN and JAZMELLA.

TARQUIN: So Rupe, they’ve given you the Jag now. How did you manage that, you old dog?
FIONA: Oh do tell him about your quarterly figures, darling, do!
RUPERT: Sure. But wouldn’t you rather know that 34% of Nicaragua’s GDP derives from the so-called “cash crops” of bananas, coffee and tobacco?

TARQUIN and JAZMELLA gasp in awe. FIONA gazes at RUPERT longingly and absently fingers her necklace.

CUT TO: INTERIOR: LIVING ROOM. RUPERT, FIONA, TARQUIN and JAZMELLA sit around a roaring fire with glasses of port. FIONA sits on an Afghan rug with her head on RUPERT’s knee.

JAZMELLA: Fee, what is this port? It’s absolutely divine.
FIONA: Oh, Rupert chose it, didn’t you darling? He’s ever so good.
RUPERT: Yes, but more importantly the most popular early lead additive to petrol was tetra-ethyl lead, a toxic organometallic compound with the formula (CH2CH3)4Pb.

TARQUIN nods with a wry smile. JAZMELLA looks aside and blushes. FIONA catches her breath, strokes RUPERT’s thigh and mouths “God, I love you.”

CUT TO: INTERIOR: BEDROOM. RUPERT and FIONA are both in bed, naked. RUPERT rolls over and lights a cigarette.

FIONA: Darling, that was amazing. You gave me three orgasms without resorting to penetration. How on earth do you do it?
RUPERT: Simple: I just pressed the red button.

They laugh and shag and live happily ever after, because everyone loves a know-it-all smart-arse bastard.