Category Archives: Humour

Missing man found alive and well in Panama

panama.jpgOK, I admit it, I didn’t die back in September. That whole canoe thing was just a ruse. I’ve been hiding out in Central America and I would have gotten away with it too if I hadn’t foolishly put a photo of myself holding my passport and driving licence on the website Look, It’s Me! I’m Here! In Panama!.com. It’s always the little things you overlook.

Turns out that in September I offended a group of Icelandic fundamentalists with my cheap fisting gag. Icelandic fundamentalists are a lot like Islamic fundamentalists but with warmer coats and a fanatical hatred of Kerry Katona. They did some digging and found that I’d recently named my pet cat Bj√∂rk and after that it was just non-stop hate mail, effigy burning, flaxen-haired trawlermen outside the house demanding my death – you know the sort of thing.

In a last-ditch attempt to placate them I renamed the cat Atomic Kitten and that’s when the shit really hit the fan. Should I have known about the Kerry Katona thing? In retrospect, yeah, perhaps I should. Call me naive if you like – I just thought it was a nice name for a cat. In the end I felt I had no option but to stage my own death, cash in on the life insurance, go to Panama and buy a couple of yachts. Honestly, it’s been a living nightmare.

But now I find myself back in the UK and I’ll say one thing for British prisons: they know how to keep a man safe from Icelandic fundamentalism. I could get used to it in here.

Just one final note for my next-door neighbour (whose identity is obviously best not revealed for her own sake): please tell Atomic Kitten I forgive her for all the trouble she’s caused and I’m not dead after all. And make sure you do it that way round: get her feeling guilty first and then hopefully you can slip the not dead thing in “under the radar” as it were. I know one day she’ll understand.

It’s just not cricket

It's just not cricket

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

Surprise announcement?

Can anyone tell me what the big surprise was today? Something to do with Blair apparently, but I haven’t been able to find anything about it in the papers.

Someone said that other bloke, the one with the mouth who sits next to him, was going to get his job? So obviously a hoax I didn’t even give it a second thought.

Supplies

Horse walks into a bar

Horse walks into a bar.
Barman says, “Why the long face?”
Horse says, “What, you think I haven’t heard that one before?”
Barman says, “Christ, a talking horse!”
Horse says, “And that one. Pint of Stella please.”
Barman says, “Bloody hell, it drinks Stella.”
Horse says, “Oh GET FUCKED and just give me a PINT OF FUCKING STELLA!”

Sometimes a horse walking into a bar is far from funny.

She was stroking a very uneven cat which she put into a zip pocket on her arm

This is either very funny or disrespectful to the deaf and hard of hearing. YOU DECIDE!

SIGNING GUY IN BBC NEWS SHOW IS STRETCHED TO HIS LIMITS BY AN ODD REPORT. HE MANAGES.

(I think it’s very funny.)

Books by repeat offenders

YOU PONCEI’ve just finished reading You Ponce by Lenny ‘The Fuckles’ Maguire. I’ve always poo-pooed those books by gangsters in the past but that was clearly snobbery on my part as it’s actually surprisingly well written. The guy has a peerless grasp of metaphor, for example often using the word ‘machete’ where you or I might say bon mot.

He was clearly trying it on so without further ado I cut him down to size with a well-chosen machete.

I thoroughly recommend the book to anyone as it’s a jolly good read. Next up: ‘Ave That You Twat by Jimmy the Hatchet.

How I Would Have Snapped All Those Meccano Pieces In Half, Hypothetically Speaking

That’s the title of my forthcoming book, a sort of “what if?” confession to a crime I was accused of in childhood but always denied. My accusers have never accepted my innocence but this way I’ll have the last laugh. In the book I reveal that, had I been the actual perpetrator of this incident, I would have made sure the evidence got properly melted down, wouldn’t have left those gloves covered in bits of Meccano in my car, and would never have engaged in a high-speed pursuit with my Dad like that on national TV.

I would say more but my publicist has urged me not to before the book is out and I’ve been on a few chat shows.

One man and his Allosaur

It’s so rare nowadays that we get to share the tender moment when a young man wakes up beside the dinosaur he’s just slept with. Cherish it.

(A dinosaur-sized “big-up” to this chap for finally providing the means to post bilge from YouTube on blogrot.)