The eye drop regime for this conjunctivitis is doing my head in already. Every two hours I have to pop a drop in each eye. Every two hours! I’m beginning to feel like the bloke with the button down the hole beneath the hatch in Lost. There’s a thought: maybe if I pop outside I can find some bald nut who I can talk into coming in and doing it for me.
At least I don’t have to listen to Mama Cass records all day.
In an amazing coincidence, ITV has exclusively revealed that the renowned livestock pleasurer Rebecca Loos sings like a hog being brought to climax.
Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”
The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:
She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.
Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”
Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.
I just watched a TV programme with Mystic Meg and Derek Acorah. You’d expect them to have loads in common, but no, it was all bickering and one-upmanship and they both had faces on them like a slapped arse.
Honestly, there’s no happy medium.
See what I did there? News reaches me via Papa J that the chimp who played Cheeta alongside Johnny Weismuller has now become the oldest chimp in captivity, at the grand old age of 74. He hasn’t been resting on his laurels since the glory days either:
He’s been busy in his post-film life, producing colorful paintings that have been shown in the National Museum of London, among other locations.
The National what? I must look it up next time I’m in Paris, Scotland. (In the accompanying audio stream, Cheeta’s “companion” Dan Westfall comments: “Well, it’s abstract, obviously, although we like to call it ape-stract.”)
Later on, Dan is asked about the secret of Cheeta’s longevity:
Being in captivity and, er, having all the good food and all the love and everything, y’know. I guess it’s like an old person – why do they live so long?
I’ve often asked myself the same question, but I never put it down to them living in captivity. You can tell Dan has thought this through, and he puts up a compelling argument. Also in common with lots of old people, Cheeta is diabetic and spends all day watching Tarzan repeats on TV. The only parallel Dan fails to mention is that they both drink a lot of PG Tips.
The Welsh are doing their bit in the war against terror by selling Al Jazeera a children’s TV series about a family of multi-racial sheep.
The Greco-Welsh flock uses the show to inform kids about the highs and lows of running their recycling business, communicated through the media of opera and rap. The show is known to English audiences as “The Baaas”, although the proper Welsh title is “Meees” (translates literally as “Spoilt For Choice”).
Executives at S4C are hoping that Bin Laden tunes in and decides that we’re all too mad to be worth bombing.
When he’s a real live actor in this inspired Simpsons trailer.
Say what you like about Saddam Hussein, at least the British taxpayer never paid to watch him take part in a round-the-clock freak-a-thon with Barrymore, Dennis Rodman and that thing with the lips.
Speaking of Barrymore, you’ve got to admire Channel 4 for their headlines.
Come in, Kennedy, your time is up! There’s a new kid on the block. Mark my words: all this boy needs now is a drink problem** and he could go all the way.
* “Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become prime minister right in the middle of my exams.”
(Pitt the Younger)
** How spooky: I posted this at 9:50 this morning – just 8 hours before Chatshow Charlie’s shock revelation of a drink problem and subsequent call for a leadership contest. Oliver Smith for PM!
The Today Programme had a slot this morning about Extras. They wheeled on the Independent TV critic who thought it was bold, funny, ground-breaking, yadda, yadda, yadda. And that was it. A counterpoint was suspiciously absent.
Note to our overseas readers: both Extras and the Today programme are produced by the BBC.
Let me be the first to say what we’re all thinking: Extras was crap. I hope it gets better from Episode 2.
I’m just looking at the line-up for Live8 in Hyde’s Park: Elton John, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Pink Floyd, REM, Sting, U2, UB40 and of course Bob Geldof. Not a natural hip joint between them. In fact, half of them came out of retirement for the original Live Aid, 20 years ago. You’ve got to wonder about Geldof’s so-called morals, parading a group of OAPs in front of a baying crowd all day for his own entertainment. It’s sick. What’s wrong with using youngsters? Where are the Goldie Looking Chain when you need them? By all means Make Poverty History, but can’t we at the same time let the old grow old in dignity?
An honourable mention to the first reader who can tell me who this is. I’ll let you guess for a bit before I post the answer.
Here’s a starter for ten: it’s a famous white male…
Please visit the BBC Greatest Disabled TV Character poll and ask yourself: what would Thora Hird do?
Or alternatively, what would Stephen Hawking do?
Whoa! Check out the bizarre false teeth on Jason Donovan!