Robson prepares to catch a tiddler “the extreme way”. That son of a gun won’t know what’s hit it! Yee-ha!

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

Forget the Midlothian Question. This isn’t about the ballot box any more – they’re getting their hands on them far younger now. We must join together and stem this evil tide before it is too late. They can mesmerise our toddlers with their brightly coloured houses and funny voices, but they’ll never take away… our freedom!

“Granny Murray” – harmless cross-dressing presenter of Me Too! or undercover freedom fighter for the SNP?

I’m only kidding, of course: many of my best friends are Scottish. (But not for much longer if they don’t pay me that five quid they owe me.)

So now you really have
“Gone to Manchester”
(To use the old
EastEnders euphemism).

We’ll all say nice things
About you now
And pretend you never
Set fire to that tramp.

At this difficult time, please take a moment to listen to Eminem vs. Frank Butcher.

• The “vast Inca city” discovered beneath Huddersfield by Alan Titchmarsh on Time Team was in fact a landfill site in Dewsbury, strewn with turkey bones and cheap jewellery.
• Recent reports on the Litvinenko case, purporting to show photographs of prime suspect Andrei Lugovoi, actually used library shots of Christopher Timothy from All Creatures Great and Small.
• The adventures of “time lord” Doctor Who, including a trip to the end of the universe some several trillion years in the future, were all clever fakes.
• The “Bruce Forsyth” seen presenting recent episodes of Strictly Come Dancing is a hologram. (Watch the footage carefully and you’ll see his hand doesn’t quite line up properly every time he slaps Tess Daly’s arse.) The real Bruce’s knees gave out in 1986.
• Recent footage on the Barrymore case was “sexed up” by BBC executives and contained a number of untruths. For example, Barrymore is frequently referred to as an “entertainer”.
• Despite recent statements from the BBC, the Queen is indeed a mardy old trout.

UPDATE: Christ, BBC, I was joking.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you may not see in a feed reader. If it’s not there, try the website instead.)

SIGNING GUY IN BBC NEWS SHOW IS STRETCHED TO HIS LIMITS BY AN ODD REPORT. HE MANAGES.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

(I think it’s very funny.)

It reminds me of the animation I once did of Wim Kok with an ocelot up his arse: I must dig it out some time. (At least I think that was the title.)

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the first ECT:

ECT #1: Isn’t that Gordon Burns off The Krypton Factor?

This one’s a cracker – completely fail safe, as you will see. It’s based around a few basic premises:

1. Gordon Burns could be in any place at any time.
2. The majority of middle-aged men are easily mistaken for Gordon Burns.
3. Everyone loved the Krypton Factor.

Just combine any of those facts and I’m sure you can already begin to see what a great ECT this is. Ignoring for now the possibility that you really have just spotted Gordon Burns, in which case all ECTs are unnecessary, you simply have to point at any middle-aged man with his back to you and away you go. Everyone will turn to look, at which point one of two things will happen:

1. The man will keep his back turned while you enjoy a prolonged “is he/isn’t he?” type debate.
2. The man turns towards you in which case you follow up with, “Oh… no.. he just.. you know… from a certain angle… hey, the Krypton Factor though? Whatever happened to that?”

This will then get everyone talking about their favourite sequences in the Krypton Factor (The zip wire? The giant shape puzzles? The general knowledge round? etc.). If you’re in the Manchester/Liverpool area you might also try reminiscing on memorable episodes of North West Tonight. If not, try the conspiracy theory that the Krypton Factor was shut down by Islamo-fascists inside the UK government for being too close to their own training camps.

More ECTs here.

For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??

Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday

I’m sure this will all turn out to be some huge practical joke, but I’ve been sent it by two blogrot irregulars now so I felt duty bound to post it.

I am, of course, referring to Channel 4′s screening of the UK’s first charity Masturbate-A-Thon.

The obvious joke is that they’ve been screening rooms full of wankers for years on Big Brother. I’m too tired to think of the non-obvious joke so I’m afraid that will have to do for now.

Meanwhile, you might like to reflect on the event’s bizarre winged dog/cock logo, and where it might have ranked in b3ta‘s excellent run down of the best phallic corporate idents.

Actually, people who love You’ve Been Maimed! will like it too but for different reasons.

Blogrot Tip of the Day: Don’t miss the sequence at the funeral parlour in Episode 2.

At least I don’t have to listen to Mama Cass records all day.

Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”

The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:

She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.

Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”

Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.

Honestly, there’s no happy medium.

He’s been busy in his post-film life, producing colorful paintings that have been shown in the National Museum of London, among other locations.

The National what? I must look it up next time I’m in Paris, Scotland. (In the accompanying audio stream, Cheeta’s “companion” Dan Westfall comments: “Well, it’s abstract, obviously, although we like to call it ape-stract.”)

Later on, Dan is asked about the secret of Cheeta’s longevity:

Being in captivity and, er, having all the good food and all the love and everything, y’know. I guess it’s like an old person – why do they live so long?

I’ve often asked myself the same question, but I never put it down to them living in captivity. You can tell Dan has thought this through, and he puts up a compelling argument. Also in common with lots of old people, Cheeta is diabetic and spends all day watching Tarzan repeats on TV. The only parallel Dan fails to mention is that they both drink a lot of PG Tips.

The Greco-Welsh flock uses the show to inform kids about the highs and lows of running their recycling business, communicated through the media of opera and rap. The show is known to English audiences as “The Baaas”, although the proper Welsh title is “Meees” (translates literally as “Spoilt For Choice”).

Executives at S4C are hoping that Bin Laden tunes in and decides that we’re all too mad to be worth bombing.