Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone, Lily Allen and Duran Duran are among the eclectic line-up.

It is 10 years since…

The answer, surprisingly, is “the princess died in a car crash in Paris in August 1997″, and not “any of them sold a record”.

We do know each other from two months, but didn’t actually go out together only from two weeks now.

said the Cheeky Girl.

I was going to do a picture or a joke to go with it but then I thought, why should I? Think up your own joke for a change. Go on, piss off.

Not that I’m taking anything away from the performances, mind. The guy who played Scooby Doo really made the role his own.

Ho Ho Hobgoblin! Santa on his sleigh as re-imagined by Year 2

He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.

Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:

Lady In John Hurt

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmm

I’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hide

I have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond belief

The Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out

I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.

Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.

Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

Music by Nokia.
Vocals by Hannah and Lauren.
Snorting by Nicola.
Shapes by Me.

Update: At time of writing (about 5 minutes after posting the video) its two most “related” items on YouTube are entitles NIGGAZ HAVIN FUN and Booty basics #1. I think that’s what we call a result.

The rest of us know what we must do for our Queen.

It’s the kazoo, played through a wah-wah pedal. Here, have a listen:

Luminous yellow, you hear! Not just greeny-yellow like your everyday, common-or-garden lung butter. This was Stabilo Boss yellow, and a beautiful thing it was. Sadly I disposed of it before I thought to get my camera out but I’ve included a picture of a highlighter pen to give you the gist of it. Somehow even that fails to capture it though.*

For the rest of the day I’ve had a little ditty going round my head to the tune of Food, Glorious Food:

Phlegm, luminous phlegm!
Looks rather like custard.
Pure, glittering gem!
Yellower even than mustard!

There’ll be more, I’m just getting the chorus right first. I’ve got this great vision of a stage full of urchins with their little gruel bowls, chirping away for another glimpse of the lemon-yellow slug recently coughed up by their runny-eyed master. You’ve seen Oliver!, now see Bacterial Conjunctivitis! The Musical. No, wait: The Mucusal!

Man, this is going to be huge…

* Update: it looked a lot like one of these.

Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”

The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:

She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.

Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”

Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.

Tom, allow me to respond with a few words from the man himself:

From birth in a military hospital in Tidworth, to Harrow School, to Aerospace Manufacturing Engineering, to the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, to The Household Cavalry, to Kosovo, to Buckingham Palace, to a recording studio in Los Angeles. How did James get from there to here? Only James Blunt’s hairdresser knows for certain, and either he isn’t talking or James cuts his own hair, and it’s up to you to join the dots – there are ten of them on the album.

I’m sure you can see what I’m getting at.

If you’ve never heard it, I wouldn’t recommend the 5:30am route. You’ll be able to pick it up on iTunes soon enough.

First up, two Chinese blokes doing a unique dance/gurning routine to the Backstreet Boys.

And for seconds, one for all the Grandaddy fans.

Complete drivel. The whole lot. Just a load more plonky piano chords that’ll make Oasis look innovative by comparison.

We’ll see if I’m right on 6 June.

Now imagine the music that would feature in that show. Try to capture the complex harmonies of a turbulent life torn between skiing trips and gala dinners. The minor key of the divorced young mother, mingled with the rising major chord of posessing The Face That Launched A Thousand (tacky pieces of) Shit, then resolving back to minor as her trusted butler goes doolally, sells all her undies to the News of the World and eats kangaroo’s testicles on national TV.

Try to imagine capturing all this not in music of your own making, but in existing works: music with emotional baggage already attached. From the noble pantheon of British musical heritage, try to pick two artists whose work combines to ooze the essence of Diana. Whose combined genius unleashes a synergy of emotion not experienced since the Outpouring of National Grief™.

If you’re imagining Robert Smith and Sir Edward Elgar, you’re not alone.

* (apart from Charles’s, of course – he prefers that tranny who won the Turner Prize)