Robson prepares to catch a tiddler “the extreme way”. That son of a gun won’t know what’s hit it! Yee-ha!

Well I simply say: Karl Marx, you’re full of shit.

And shortly after that I say: here you go, have another YouTube video.

Pity.

Let me be the first to rectify that situation.

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

Forget the Midlothian Question. This isn’t about the ballot box any more – they’re getting their hands on them far younger now. We must join together and stem this evil tide before it is too late. They can mesmerise our toddlers with their brightly coloured houses and funny voices, but they’ll never take away… our freedom!

“Granny Murray” – harmless cross-dressing presenter of Me Too! or undercover freedom fighter for the SNP?

I’m only kidding, of course: many of my best friends are Scottish. (But not for much longer if they don’t pay me that five quid they owe me.)

Suppose that’s
Checkmate to Death
Then.

A scene from Bergman’s iconic The Seventh Seal. I say iconic, but I could never get into it myself. Even with all those seals it was never a patch on Happy Feet.

So now you really have
“Gone to Manchester”
(To use the old
EastEnders euphemism).

We’ll all say nice things
About you now
And pretend you never
Set fire to that tramp.

At this difficult time, please take a moment to listen to Eminem vs. Frank Butcher.

• The “vast Inca city” discovered beneath Huddersfield by Alan Titchmarsh on Time Team was in fact a landfill site in Dewsbury, strewn with turkey bones and cheap jewellery.
• Recent reports on the Litvinenko case, purporting to show photographs of prime suspect Andrei Lugovoi, actually used library shots of Christopher Timothy from All Creatures Great and Small.
• The adventures of “time lord” Doctor Who, including a trip to the end of the universe some several trillion years in the future, were all clever fakes.
• The “Bruce Forsyth” seen presenting recent episodes of Strictly Come Dancing is a hologram. (Watch the footage carefully and you’ll see his hand doesn’t quite line up properly every time he slaps Tess Daly’s arse.) The real Bruce’s knees gave out in 1986.
• Recent footage on the Barrymore case was “sexed up” by BBC executives and contained a number of untruths. For example, Barrymore is frequently referred to as an “entertainer”.
• Despite recent statements from the BBC, the Queen is indeed a mardy old trout.

UPDATE: Christ, BBC, I was joking.

Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone, Lily Allen and Duran Duran are among the eclectic line-up.

It is 10 years since…

The answer, surprisingly, is “the princess died in a car crash in Paris in August 1997″, and not “any of them sold a record”.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you may not see in a feed reader. If it’s not there, try the website instead.)

SIGNING GUY IN BBC NEWS SHOW IS STRETCHED TO HIS LIMITS BY AN ODD REPORT. HE MANAGES.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

(I think it’s very funny.)

On the other hand, this ad is very good and I urge you all to drink PG Tips tea as a result:

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

It reminds me of the animation I once did of Wim Kok with an ocelot up his arse: I must dig it out some time. (At least I think that was the title.)

Here’s the trailer so you can make up your own mind:

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

It’s a shame. Some of my favourite comedies are from Germany, such as Stop! Oder Meine Mami Schiesst.

1. Colin Powell on Osama bin Laden?
2. Madeleine Albright on Kim Jong-Il?
3. Donald Rumsfeld on Saddam Hussein?
4. Paris Hilton on John Prescott?

Find out here.

Excerpts

1. It is the biggest case of miscasting in history. Anyone, anyone, would have been better in this part. Steven Seagal would have been better. Janette Krankie would have been better.
2. This story could go on for 104 minutes or 104 aeons and it would make no difference.
3. One of the funniest and most astringent books of recent times has been turned into a film so embarrassingly awful I felt like putting a brown paper bag over my head and emitting a high-pitched keening sound.
4. Her final moments in this film are so hammy that any vegetarians present will come out in a rash. The prefix “over-” in “over-acting” doesn’t quite cover it. Her shriekingly tragic fate was something that I certainly won’t forget in a hurry. Many people in the audience had to be helped out of the auditorium, given a cup of hot, sweet tea and covered with those Bacofoil blankets. I myself will need years of therapy to get over it.
5. This treacly second world war drama is the sort of flaccid silliness that you’d expect to see on television with “ITV4″ in the corner of the screen.
6. There are some films so awful, of such insidious dishonesty and mediocrity, that their existence is a kind of scandal. [...] Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
7. These thesps look like the most terrifying water-based situation they have ever actually faced is when the Jacuzzi isn’t warm enough in their suite at the Four Seasons. XXXX, in particular, could do with a pair of waterwings, and he gives us every reason to suspect that his tummy scrapes the bottom of the pool when he assumes a horizontal position.
8. Chased for days and days, they do not need to eat or sleep or use sentences that ordinary human beings would use.
9. As the film continued, I personally began to bow my head in humility and self-knowledge. My pen slipped from my nerveless fingers and hot teardrops fell on my notepad, like a pure and cleansing rain, blurring the vindictive remarks I had scribbled. I was ashamed … ashamed … that I had ever given this incredible idiot anything approaching a good review.
10. One per cent of your time watching this may be spent being startled by some vivid and disturbing images. The other 99% will be spent thinking: what the hell is going on?
11. Never has a title been more horribly at odds with the way you’re actually going to feel while watching the movie.
12. Embarrassingly, she is made to say “loo” to show off some real limeyspeak. Perhaps she can be grateful she wasn’t given bad teeth.
13. Enough to make me want to put a brown paper bag over my head and whinny like a tormented pony.
14. As Sigmund Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a film with the silly but entertaining title of Snakes on a Plane, is just a silly but entertaining film about snakes on a plane.

Films

1. The Aryan Couple
2. Atomised
3. The Black Dahlia
4. The Da Vinci Code
5. The Devil Wears Prada
6. Eragon
7. A Good Year
8. The Grudge 2
9. The Guardian
10. Lady In The Water
11. Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer
12. Stay Alive
13. World Trade Center
14. Snakes On A Plane

There are no prizes, obviously. It’s the taking part that counts. For answers see the first comment.