They say that his response to that Diana thing was the making of him, but just look how quickly Blair pushes Steve Irwin off the front pages to peddle his own obscene agenda. Mark my words, these are his true colours coming through now.
For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??
Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday
I had an anxious moment today, passing the news cube at Tesco’s, when it looked like the Daily Express had abandoned its tireless quest to uncover the truth behind Princess Diana’s murder by Mossad/Prince Phillip/MI5/the 12-foot lizards. But on closer inspection there it was, just a bit less prominent than usual.
In an amazing coincidence, ITV has exclusively revealed that the renowned livestock pleasurer Rebecca Loos sings like a hog being brought to climax.
Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”
The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:
She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.
Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”
Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.
Listening to Boris Johnstons mumbling about education this morning it struck me that the current Tory party will never let lack of experience get in the way of putting a media-friendly face into a position of responsibility. And so I present to you (once Blair finishes fucking everything up) the next Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Rt Hon Adam Rickets:
As you can see, Mr Rickets once appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine with a wad of £20 notes stuffed into his pants. When did Gordon Brown ever do such a thing? This man’s dedication to the British economy truly knows no limits.
Adam also once went to Turkey on holiday, and hence after a short spell at the Treasury is expected to be moved to the Foreign Office where he will be in charge of sorting out Iraq with his parliamentary colleague Giles Brandreth.
Here we go again: out with the old and in with the new. When will they ever learn?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to start making cheap jokes about not having a leg to stand on in the divorce settlement. However, I wouldn’t mind a bit of a flutter on how long we give Nicole Kidman and the improbably-named country singer Keith Urban.
Before you lay down a stake, bear in mind:
Keith’s got a ridiculous “beardlet” clinging to his bottom lipMy money’s on 10 months.
David Blaine’s attempt to break the world record for dying in front of the biggest audience was foiled last night by bungling ALIENS, blogrot can reveal.
SARCOPHAGUS
A cheer went up from the crowd as bonkers illusionist Blaine STOPPED BREATHING in his giant sarcophagus-cum-fishbowl in New York.
THONG
But within seconds the emaciated public nuisance was being pulled to safety by SILVER THONG-WEARING SEXY ALIENS. Blogrot captured the moment when the BBC captured this moment, mistaking the aliens for DIVERS.
MOUTH
As the crowd shouted out, “No! It’s part of the act! Leave him to die!” the meddling extra-terrestrials gave Blaine mouth-to-some-kind-of-wierd-alien-mouth-thing and BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE.
BIG ONE
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg later commented, “It’s OK for them, with their fancy-pants spaceship and the ability to travel across galaxies. But we’re stuck with the attention-seeking little pr*ck all over again. We really thought this was the big one.”
NOSE CONE
Blaine later announced his intention to be reunited with his rescuers during his follow-up suicide attempt, when he will spend seven days STRAPPED TO THE NOSE CONE OF THE SPACE SHUTTLE during its next mission.