Pity.

Let me be the first to rectify that situation.

So now you really have
“Gone to Manchester”
(To use the old
EastEnders euphemism).

We’ll all say nice things
About you now
And pretend you never
Set fire to that tramp.

At this difficult time, please take a moment to listen to Eminem vs. Frank Butcher.

Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone, Lily Allen and Duran Duran are among the eclectic line-up.

It is 10 years since…

The answer, surprisingly, is “the princess died in a car crash in Paris in August 1997″, and not “any of them sold a record”.

It reminds me of the animation I once did of Wim Kok with an ocelot up his arse: I must dig it out some time. (At least I think that was the title.)

1. Colin Powell on Osama bin Laden?
2. Madeleine Albright on Kim Jong-Il?
3. Donald Rumsfeld on Saddam Hussein?
4. Paris Hilton on John Prescott?

Find out here.

We do know each other from two months, but didn’t actually go out together only from two weeks now.

said the Cheeky Girl.

I was going to do a picture or a joke to go with it but then I thought, why should I? Think up your own joke for a change. Go on, piss off.

(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)

The girls were more interested in watching last night’s Strictly Come Dancing and were pretty resistant to coercion, but once I hinted that Father Christmas might get involved I soon got some cooperation.

He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.

Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:

Lady In John Hurt

I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmm

I’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hide

I have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond belief

The Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out

I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.

Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.

Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the first ECT:

ECT #1: Isn’t that Gordon Burns off The Krypton Factor?

This one’s a cracker – completely fail safe, as you will see. It’s based around a few basic premises:

1. Gordon Burns could be in any place at any time.
2. The majority of middle-aged men are easily mistaken for Gordon Burns.
3. Everyone loved the Krypton Factor.

Just combine any of those facts and I’m sure you can already begin to see what a great ECT this is. Ignoring for now the possibility that you really have just spotted Gordon Burns, in which case all ECTs are unnecessary, you simply have to point at any middle-aged man with his back to you and away you go. Everyone will turn to look, at which point one of two things will happen:

1. The man will keep his back turned while you enjoy a prolonged “is he/isn’t he?” type debate.
2. The man turns towards you in which case you follow up with, “Oh… no.. he just.. you know… from a certain angle… hey, the Krypton Factor though? Whatever happened to that?”

This will then get everyone talking about their favourite sequences in the Krypton Factor (The zip wire? The giant shape puzzles? The general knowledge round? etc.). If you’re in the Manchester/Liverpool area you might also try reminiscing on memorable episodes of North West Tonight. If not, try the conspiracy theory that the Krypton Factor was shut down by Islamo-fascists inside the UK government for being too close to their own training camps.

More ECTs here.

Update: It’s just been suggested to me that Winstone is in fact play a Boston Irish hoodlum who has had a stroke which has left him with a partially Cockney accent. In that case I would like to commend his excellent performance and shift my criticism to Scorcese for losing this crucial back story detail in the editing suite.

Have they no heart? But wait… what have we over here? Why, if it isn’t the Daily Star, the Express’s special stablemate for those who prefer their daily wad of rat piss unburdened by small print and sentences:

Britain owes a debt of thanks to Richard Desmond for getting this remarkable scoop to us by whatever means available, and bonus points for not cheapening the Express in the process. I do wonder though if anyone’s warned the Star about those £100 fines.

I had no idea the Daily Express was even sold down under, but clearly it is because these people are Express readers or I’m Mickey Mouse. The Express, of course, plays it all Gordon Brown today and brushes off any suggestions of involvement. Instead it leads where Newsnight will surely follow, with Diana’s tears as she helped bury friend’s baby at palace* and Back at work, the sex change gynaecologist.

* (says Burrell)

For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??

Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday

From “The Daily Express: The World’s Greatest Newspaper“

Performing on ITV’s Celebrity X Factor as part of the novelty double-act Pig-Wank And Squidgy, Loos has demonstrated a voice described by some as sounding like “a pig, ill with stress, rutting furiously in a gas mask.”

The news has come as a shock to other superstar celebrities who hitherto had supposed Loos’s talents to be without bounds. Worldwide recording artiste Rowetta Satchell commented yesterday:

She’s not a star. She’s famous for something horrible… and pigs.

Asked about his partner’s unique musical ear, James Hewitt said, “Anyone for sherry?”

Wayne Rooney was not available for comment.

As you can see, Mr Rickets once appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine with a wad of £20 notes stuffed into his pants. When did Gordon Brown ever do such a thing? This man’s dedication to the British economy truly knows no limits.

Adam also once went to Turkey on holiday, and hence after a short spell at the Treasury is expected to be moved to the Foreign Office where he will be in charge of sorting out Iraq with his parliamentary colleague Giles Brandreth.

VOTE CONSERVATIVE

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to start making cheap jokes about not having a leg to stand on in the divorce settlement. However, I wouldn’t mind a bit of a flutter on how long we give Nicole Kidman and the improbably-named country singer Keith Urban.

Before you lay down a stake, bear in mind:

• A-list actress Julia Roberts and improbably-named country singer Lyle Lovett lasted 21 months
• Keith’s got a ridiculous “beardlet” clinging to his bottom lip
• A-list actress Renee Zellweger and improbably-named country singer Kenny Chesney lasted 7 months
• Nicole’s only doing it to get back at Tom for the Katie Holmes thing.

My money’s on 10 months.