Category Archives: Entertainment

Fat Disabled Thieving Gypsy Bastards On Benefits

Don’t miss Fat Disabled Gypsy Thieving Bastards On Benefits tonight, 9pm on Channel 4. Bit of an attention-grabbing title, granted, but it’s actually a very sensitive look into the problems faced by the working classes in Cameron’s Britain. At least that’s what the press release says.

Also don’t miss Gold-Digging Fake-Tanned Chav Filth On Ecstasy straight after it on More4. Same production team.

I don’t know what you’re doing tomorrow night at 9

But I’ll be watching Extreme Fishing With Robson Green on five. If there’s one thing I love more than Robson Green it’s fishing, and there’s no fishing like extreme fishing. Did you see it last week when he caught that fish and then put it back and then caught it again and then put it back again? TV magic.


Robson prepares to catch a tiddler “the extreme way”. That son of a gun won’t know what’s hit it! Yee-ha!

Rumours of the flambéing of Gordon Ramsay’s testicles have been greatly exaggerated

Mr Ramsay pictured with a bollock, yesterdayCelebrity arsehole Gordon Ramsay has not, it transpires, been burning his meatballs. The greens have not been overcooked in his meat and two veg. He remains a novice in the preparation of Grilled Cod Surprise.

Pity.

It’s just not cricket

It's just not cricket

The cricket crisis continues to roll on.

The Orange team continue to deny that they purposefully littered the crease with England cricketers. Captain Michael Orange said, “Yeah, y’know, the lads like England players, so I suppose they might have had one or two in their pockets which could have fallen out near the wicket, but deliberately? Come off it!” This despite the footage above which clearly shows fielder Kevin Orange about to drop a Michael Vaughn, a knowing wink on his face.

Yellow captain Zaheer Yellow has now taken his complaint to the sport’s international governing body. A spokesman today told blogrot: “The rules of cricket make it quite clear that distraction of the batting team by means of shouting, waving or laughing are not allowed. Unfortunately the rules are less clear regarding the dropping of England players on the crease.”

I just think it’s bloody childish. The umpire appears to agree.

The Scottish question

Watched a bit of CBeebies with the kids this morning and realised just how infiltrated it has become by Scottish. Honestly, you can’t leave your children in front of the telly for more than a few hours these days without a Scottish rearing its insidious head and whispering poison in their ear: Balamory, Me Too, Bits and Bobs, Brum… the list goes on, all populated by the inanely grinning descendants of William Wallace.

Forget the Midlothian Question. This isn’t about the ballot box any more – they’re getting their hands on them far younger now. We must join together and stem this evil tide before it is too late. They can mesmerise our toddlers with their brightly coloured houses and funny voices, but they’ll never take away… our freedom!

Granny Murray
“Granny Murray” – harmless cross-dressing presenter of Me Too! or undercover freedom fighter for the SNP?

I’m only kidding, of course: many of my best friends are Scottish. (But not for much longer if they don’t pay me that five quid they owe me.)

In memoriam, Frank Butcher (1940-2007)

Frank ButcherFarewell then,
Frank Butcher.

So now you really have
“Gone to Manchester”
(To use the old
EastEnders euphemism).

We’ll all say nice things
About you now
And pretend you never
Set fire to that tramp.

At this difficult time, please take a moment to listen to Eminem vs. Frank Butcher.

BBC issues further apologies

The BBC has today decided to make a clean fist of things by issuing a list of apologies for all the other stuff it’s made up in the name of state-funded fact. The list includes:

  • The “vast Inca city” discovered beneath Huddersfield by Alan Titchmarsh on Time Team was in fact a landfill site in Dewsbury, strewn with turkey bones and cheap jewellery.
  • timothy.jpgRecent reports on the Litvinenko case, purporting to show photographs of prime suspect Andrei Lugovoi, actually used library shots of Christopher Timothy from All Creatures Great and Small.
  • The adventures of “time lord” Doctor Who, including a trip to the end of the universe some several trillion years in the future, were all clever fakes.
  • The “Bruce Forsyth” seen presenting recent episodes of Strictly Come Dancing is a hologram. (Watch the footage carefully and you’ll see his hand doesn’t quite line up properly every time he slaps Tess Daly’s arse.) The real Bruce’s knees gave out in 1986.
  • Recent footage on the Barrymore case was “sexed up” by BBC executives and contained a number of untruths. For example, Barrymore is frequently referred to as an “entertainer”.
  • Despite recent statements from the BBC, the Queen is indeed a mardy old trout.

UPDATE: Christ, BBC, I was joking.

On the bright side, at least my hair looks great

diana.jpgI was washing my hair today so unfortunately had to miss the Diana concert at Wembley. However, the BBC has delivered a typically sterling account of proceedings which I’m sure is every bit as rousing as actually being there. Why not join in the fun atmosphere of the day by seeing if you can complete the following extract:

Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, Bryan Ferry, Joss Stone, Lily Allen and Duran Duran are among the eclectic line-up.

It is 10 years since…

The answer, surprisingly, is “the princess died in a car crash in Paris in August 1997”, and not “any of them sold a record”.

She was stroking a very uneven cat which she put into a zip pocket on her arm

This is either very funny or disrespectful to the deaf and hard of hearing. YOU DECIDE!

SIGNING GUY IN BBC NEWS SHOW IS STRETCHED TO HIS LIMITS BY AN ODD REPORT. HE MANAGES.

(I think it’s very funny.)