Not recently, I hasten to add, although we did have potato croquettes last week. Does that count?
Either way I’m clearly not doing my job properly and must be driven from office immediately.
Photo: A croquet fan looking glum yesterday. Not only has the reputation of the beautiful game taken a “hammering” in recent days but it is also banned on trains in the UK, even first class. Not even a bacon butty and a female companion can cheer this fellow up, such is his love of “shooting hoops”.
Listening to Boris Johnstons mumbling about education this morning it struck me that the current Tory party will never let lack of experience get in the way of putting a media-friendly face into a position of responsibility. And so I present to you (once Blair finishes fucking everything up) the next Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Rt Hon Adam Rickets:
As you can see, Mr Rickets once appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine with a wad of £20 notes stuffed into his pants. When did Gordon Brown ever do such a thing? This man’s dedication to the British economy truly knows no limits.
Adam also once went to Turkey on holiday, and hence after a short spell at the Treasury is expected to be moved to the Foreign Office where he will be in charge of sorting out Iraq with his parliamentary colleague Giles Brandreth.
The answers to yesterday’s Spot the Difference competition:
I was only kidding when I said there were 10.
Residents of the St. Mary’s ward are said to be nervous of a “wardrobe malfunction” in the event of a Green Party win.
Following on from the Russian joke, the Guardian today brings us a cracking Iranian joke:
A man dies and goes to hell, where he sees President Ahmadinejad dancing with the Hollywood star Jennifer Lopez. “Is this Ahmadinejad’s punishment?” he asks.
“No,” comes the reply. “It is Jennifer Lopez’s punishment.”
Laugh? I nearly enriched uranium!
Next week: the classic Burmese routine about the long-faced horse that fled into exile after opposing the military junta!
This is one of a terrific set of photos from the riots going on in Paris at the moment. The well-humoured clown photos are eventually outnumbered by far heavier stuff. It’s a really great bit of photojournalism.
Photo: March 18, 2006 – 17:35 by Hugo*
If you’re quick off the mark and have a million or so to spare, why not go wild and snap up a peerage?
If it’s already gone, here’s a look at what you could have won.
The BBC has outdone itself again with another piss-poor effort to accompany today’s smoking ban vote in parliament. I particularly like the “Your Choice” brand and confidently predict that by this time next week “the kids” will be smoking them in private members’ clubs up and down the land.
But what does it all mean? Blogrot asked some prominent experts to comment on the significance of the BBC’s illustrative masterpiece:
Gumboldt von Freud, psychoanalyst
It means zat ze cigarettes, zey are beegger zan parliament itself, no?
Kenneth Clarke, tobacconist
Bar workers? Bah, think of the profits. Double scotch please.
Tarquin Funtt, advertising executive
Brilliant use of parallax. See how the packet of cigarettes (each one of them a representation of the DICK) draws the attention towards the Big Ben tower, standing erect like one huge great DICK. Fact: dicks sell. Christ, I want a cigarette.
Dr John Reid, Defense Secretary
Smoking is one of the few pleasures left to the work… Hold on, let me see that again. That’s just across the river. Taxi!
Cynthia Barrington, Daily Mail reader
This is so confusing. I thought asylum seekers killed bar workers?
A radical cleric sees blogrot’s infamous cartoons, yesterday.
Whichever side of this whole cartoons debate you stand on, you have to agree on one thing: it’s really put Denmark on the map. Ask someone this time last week where Denmark was, and they’d probably have told you it’s the part of France where bacon comes from. This morning I put the same question to a passing youngster, and he replied confidently that it’s the part of the Jutland peninsula where provocative, arguably Islamophobic caricatures and bacon come from.
Well heck, I thought, any idiot can draw a few cartoons. And blogrot has never shied away from confronting difficult issues in the search for the odd extra reader. So, here goes nothing.
Cartoon 1: A bandy-legged, moon-faced boy makes a startling pronouncement on the nation’s favourite cakebiscuit. In his hand is a copy of David Icke’s Children of the Matrix. The boy may also be wearing a built-up shoe, or it could just be that I can’t draw properly. You decide.
Cartoon 2: A bewhiskered old lady happy-slaps a boy with a tomato for a head. In his cry for help, the boy plunges us headlong into the festering tomato controversy. Discuss.
Cartoon 3: The Rt Rev Sir Dr Ian Paisley, with the tiny body of a ballerina, wades into the Souness aftermath where his beak-like nose is clearly not welcome. Stick to what you’re good at, Ian! (i.e. bellowing and eating Catholics.) You can intimidate me, sir, but you’ll never take away my freedom of speech.
More may follow. Reprint if you dare!
How many ID cards would pre-operative transsexuals get under the Liberal Democrats?
A. None: ID cards are expensive, intrusive and ineffective.
B. The Liberal Democrats opposes any kind of discrimination based on race, creed, sex or gender orientation. Transsexuals will get one card per gonad just like everybody else.
C. Of course I’m not a transsexual. I’m just a single guy who happens to have breasts.
Has anyone else noticed David Cameron doing that thing with his thumbs that Tony Blair does? A masterpiece of editing on the part of the BBC tonight saw him do it twice in the same report: once whilst speaking to a left-wing think-tank (1) and once in an interview (2), both whilst claiming not to be Tony Blair.
But just look for a moment at picture no. 3. That’s why Cameron can never succeed – the Blair Bithumbic Manoeuvre, pioneered by the master himself, and a technique that really separates out the boys from the men. Until Cameron can master it, he’s a spent force before he’s even begun.
Asked if David Blunkett was right to say that there was a new understanding between the Chancellor and the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister’s Official Spokesman replied that he had nothing to add to what the Prime Minister did not say this morning live on air.
(Downing Street morning press briefing, 30 January 2006)
I’m glad that’s clear then.
