Category Archives: Foreign Affairs

“Our intelligence said that he was crazy and a pervert. He’s not crazy.”

One of the excellent quotes of 2006 from The Observer, which includes an entire Paris Hilton section. But who was referring to whom?

  1. Colin Powell on Osama bin Laden?
  2. Madeleine Albright on Kim Jong-Il?
  3. Donald Rumsfeld on Saddam Hussein?
  4. Paris Hilton on John Prescott?

Find out here.

Come fry with me

Fast shutter actionOK, OK, so British Airways planes are all jam-packed with lethal Soviet Polonium-210 alpha particles, but it’s not like it’s all bad news, is it? I mean, at least the staff aren’t wearing religious jewellery.

Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.

How I Would Have Snapped All Those Meccano Pieces In Half, Hypothetically Speaking

That’s the title of my forthcoming book, a sort of “what if?” confession to a crime I was accused of in childhood but always denied. My accusers have never accepted my innocence but this way I’ll have the last laugh. In the book I reveal that, had I been the actual perpetrator of this incident, I would have made sure the evidence got properly melted down, wouldn’t have left those gloves covered in bits of Meccano in my car, and would never have engaged in a high-speed pursuit with my Dad like that on national TV.

I would say more but my publicist has urged me not to before the book is out and I’ve been on a few chat shows.

The news, and how it sometimes makes you think

Seen today on the BBC News:

Lead story: Scores seized from Baghdad office

Also in the news: Giant truffle snapped up for £85,000

Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean, who wants to read about stolen sheet music when some Chinese lunatic has just spent the price of a new Jag on a fungus that looks like the Elephant Man’s head?

Get over yourselves, BBC.

World descends into bacchanalia as Democrats take House of Representatives

The world faces a terrifying and uncertain future today as the United States falls into the hands of pro-terror, anti-life lunatics. Wanton debauchery will surely follow. Listen to the podcast to hear leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi calling for a “nude erection” in Iraq. Meanwhile at a victory rally Democrats show al-Qaeda how America will be waging its “war on terror” from now on: gay men with water pistols.

A terrifying Democrat vision for Iraq

United Nations by Photochiel.

Thank God we still have David Cameron otherwise all might truly be lost.

Ignore my desserts at your peril, Western imperialist scum

JellyHey, see that story in the news about the jelly security alert in Germany? Yeah, that was me. I knew it would shit them up a bit. Far too serious about stuff like that, the Germans.

Keep your eye on the papers for my follow-up attacks: a hundredweight of blancmange at the Colosseum in Rome; sherry trifles appearing overnight outside Israeli embassies worldwide; packages containing Angel Delight powder mailed to Bush, Putin and Blair.

Make no mistake, this campaign will continue until my demands are met – probably something to do with a better selection of hundreds and thousands at Sainsburys.

A fistful of twenties

It’s often claimed that Western civilisation’s “Big Leap Forward” was when Albert Einstein invented the number zero, and so it’s a source of much bafflement to commentators that the numeracy fad has never caught on in France. Let me illustrate with a recent conversation from my holidays, which I have translated into English for your convenience:

– So, how much is that then?
– Ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven, sir.
– You mean… seventeen Euros ninety-seven?
– That’s right, sir: ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven.

What the hell is that all about? They might as well be using binary. It’s no wonder they can’t handle advanced counting systems such as quarts, ounces and furlongs. It is for this precise reason that we never let them into the Commonwealth and they’ve hated us for it ever since.

Famous Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, seen here playing in the “Number Two Threes Plus Two Plus the Square Root of Four” shirt.

Revenge killings

Diana (visibly upset) and the unfortunately named Dr Bone yesterdayAustralia has been hit by a wave of vigilante revenge killings on stingrays following the death of Steve Irwin.

I had no idea the Daily Express was even sold down under, but clearly it is because these people are Express readers or I’m Mickey Mouse. The Express, of course, plays it all Gordon Brown today and brushes off any suggestions of involvement. Instead it leads where Newsnight will surely follow, with Diana’s tears as she helped bury friend’s baby at palace* and Back at work, the sex change gynaecologist.

* (says Burrell)

On Harare Moor Bah T’at

mugabe.jpgIt’s just been pointed out to me that Mugabe is “E’ ba gum” backwards.

Also, if you play the theme music to Last Of The Summer Wine backwards and turn the sound right up you can clearly hear the words “Africa must revert to what it was before the imperialists divided it”.

Twisting the knife/stingray’s pointy thing

They say that his response to that Diana thing was the making of him, but just look how quickly Blair pushes Steve Irwin off the front pages to peddle his own obscene agenda. Mark my words, these are his true colours coming through now.

For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??

Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday

They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR MANGOES!!!

The mango queue at Morrisons in Dumfernline yesterdayAs predictably as night follows day, our friends north of the border have got their knickers all in a twist again about England going to the World Cup while they get to stay at home and mope.

“Aye, the English, they’re so arrogant,” said one chap on Five Live last week. Another one said something else but how am I meant to understand them with those silly accents? They don’t even make an effort.

Meanwhile, sales of mangoes were reported to be up four-fold in Scotland in advance of the England v Trinidad & Tobago match, on account of the number of Carribean-themed party nights that were planned. It actually made me feel a bit sorry for them, having to find other under-achievers to root for when their own under-achievers under-achieve so splendidly they fall right out the bottom of the barrel. Simon Hoggart put it rather succinctly in yesterday’s Guardian:

I feel quite sorry for those Scots who detest England so much. There can be nothing more galling than to loathe someone who in return regards you with benign tolerance. Inevitably the anti-English brigade become like children shouting “I hate you, I hate you!” while the parent smiles and says, “I think he’s over-tired”.

Don’t get me wrong, mind: many of my best friends are English.

UPDATE: I take it all back, they’re right behind us.

Red box? How about lunch box?

Listening to Boris Johnstons mumbling about education this morning it struck me that the current Tory party will never let lack of experience get in the way of putting a media-friendly face into a position of responsibility. And so I present to you (once Blair finishes fucking everything up) the next Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Rt Hon Adam Rickets:


As you can see, Mr Rickets once appeared on the cover of Attitude magazine with a wad of £20 notes stuffed into his pants. When did Gordon Brown ever do such a thing? This man’s dedication to the British economy truly knows no limits.

Adam also once went to Turkey on holiday, and hence after a short spell at the Treasury is expected to be moved to the Foreign Office where he will be in charge of sorting out Iraq with his parliamentary colleague Giles Brandreth.


A game of three halves

It was silly season for nonsensical punditry this morning after the Arsenal’s defeat in some football match yesterday. I don’t pretend to be some kind of sports expert, but I do like to think I know bullshit when I smell it.

'Football'“Arsenal will come home knowing at least they’re a team who pass the ball,” said one eminent thinker asked whether there was any consolation in getting roundly thrashed.

“It’s a double disappointment,” commented another. “They’ll be disappointed for themselves, but also for their team mates, and also for the fans.”

“The ball went up in the air, and then it came down again,” said a third (or in football parlance, a second). “It went forwards and backwards too, and sort of sideways a bit, and at least three times it went in that net thingy.”

OK, the last one was me, just as the bastards at 5 Live hung up on me. But the rest were actual experts on football, not that you’d guess.