I’m also on the toilet. This, my friends, is the future.

Turns out that in September I offended a group of Icelandic fundamentalists with my cheap fisting gag. Icelandic fundamentalists are a lot like Islamic fundamentalists but with warmer coats and a fanatical hatred of Kerry Katona. They did some digging and found that I’d recently named my pet cat Björk and after that it was just non-stop hate mail, effigy burning, flaxen-haired trawlermen outside the house demanding my death – you know the sort of thing.

In a last-ditch attempt to placate them I renamed the cat Atomic Kitten and that’s when the shit really hit the fan. Should I have known about the Kerry Katona thing? In retrospect, yeah, perhaps I should. Call me naive if you like – I just thought it was a nice name for a cat. In the end I felt I had no option but to stage my own death, cash in on the life insurance, go to Panama and buy a couple of yachts. Honestly, it’s been a living nightmare.

But now I find myself back in the UK and I’ll say one thing for British prisons: they know how to keep a man safe from Icelandic fundamentalism. I could get used to it in here.

Just one final note for my next-door neighbour (whose identity is obviously best not revealed for her own sake): please tell Atomic Kitten I forgive her for all the trouble she’s caused and I’m not dead after all. And make sure you do it that way round: get her feeling guilty first and then hopefully you can slip the not dead thing in “under the radar” as it were. I know one day she’ll understand.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Smug git.

Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?

And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:

AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.

Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.

One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.

However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…

AOS – Any Old Shite

Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.

New information: We’ve now slipped to 326,085th. You rotten bunch of arseholes. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you! Piss off.

BLOGROT: NOW AVAILABLE AS A PODCAST!

I won’t be podcasting much – I’m really just doing it for the same reason a dog licks its balls. But there will be the occasional titbit, and you can even subscribe to it in iTunes or another player of your choice using this link:

http://bitrot.net/blog/category/podcast/feed/

Wogan… Cooke… Westwood… Pig on Wheels… ahhhh…

I’ve even thought about letting some of the spam comments through just to make the place look a bit more lively. Here’s one example I received yesterday from a chap named “jacksonville hotels”:

perpendiculars unrolling.agnostics nontransparent focusing!hotel rooms

An intriguing insight into a disturbed mind, especially with the accompanying URL which I’ve excised out of coyness. Mind you, if I had a name like that I imagine I’d be a bit odd.

People who know what an RSS feed is can get the new one here. People who don’t should consider themselves fortunate.

I hope you like our new direction.

1. quis custodiet ipsos custodes
2. wank
3. bubbles de vere
4. daily mail
5. jackie stallone
6. panto cow
7. elastigirl
8. gay superhero
9. pop3 webmail
10. ike

I wonder how many of the last one were looking for Mr Turner instead of the ropey Tom Selleck drama?

No idea where “gay superhero” came from, unless it matches Liberal Democrats these days. Sadly, “it’s only a whale” only made it to 15 last month. Let’s see if you can do better in February.

Just tried to post the message below to your blog and got the restricted to team members response. What gives?

Come on Mark. This used to be a source of daily hilarity and now your posts have dribbled to a stand still. More, more posts I say. We the bored British public demand it.

Now I should point out here that Darren is not a man to be messed with. He doesn’t “play by the rules”. He’s the kind that eats his sandwiches by 10am then goes out for more. He just doesn’t care. He’s ruthless. Plus he once drove through Carrington, and that makes him hard too. Hard and ruthless. Ruthless and hard.

So, as a public response to Darren and our other reader, I’m going to try really hard to drivel on a bit more in future. In the meantime, might I suggest you try my other blog and just sort of think calm thoughts?

(Actually, now I read that back it’s actually two complaints in one, isn’t it? I think I’ll post more drivel and change identity, just to be on the safe side.)