…it’s because I’m typing it on my iPhone. I do everything on my iPhone these days. If there was a job where you could get paid for buggering about on an iPhone I’d be filling in the application form right now – provided of course that I could fill it in on my iPhone.
I’m also on the toilet. This, my friends, is the future.
OK, I admit it, I didn’t die back in September. That whole canoe thing was just a ruse. I’ve been hiding out in Central America and I would have gotten away with it too if I hadn’t foolishly put a photo of myself holding my passport and driving licence on the website Look, It’s Me! I’m Here! In Panama!.com. It’s always the little things you overlook.
Turns out that in September I offended a group of Icelandic fundamentalists with my cheap fisting gag. Icelandic fundamentalists are a lot like Islamic fundamentalists but with warmer coats and a fanatical hatred of Kerry Katona. They did some digging and found that I’d recently named my pet cat Björk and after that it was just non-stop hate mail, effigy burning, flaxen-haired trawlermen outside the house demanding my death – you know the sort of thing.
In a last-ditch attempt to placate them I renamed the cat Atomic Kitten and that’s when the shit really hit the fan. Should I have known about the Kerry Katona thing? In retrospect, yeah, perhaps I should. Call me naive if you like – I just thought it was a nice name for a cat. In the end I felt I had no option but to stage my own death, cash in on the life insurance, go to Panama and buy a couple of yachts. Honestly, it’s been a living nightmare.
But now I find myself back in the UK and I’ll say one thing for British prisons: they know how to keep a man safe from Icelandic fundamentalism. I could get used to it in here.
Just one final note for my next-door neighbour (whose identity is obviously best not revealed for her own sake): please tell Atomic Kitten I forgive her for all the trouble she’s caused and I’m not dead after all. And make sure you do it that way round: get her feeling guilty first and then hopefully you can slip the not dead thing in “under the radar” as it were. I know one day she’ll understand.
It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.
Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??
There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.
Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.
AOS orders dried up literally over night.
I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:
Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?
And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:
AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.
Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.
One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.
However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…
AOS – Any Old Shite
Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.
Today is a day for celebration, for blogrot is now officially the world’s 277,199th most popular blog! I know, I can scarcely believe it myself! And it’s all down to you. Jeez, I love you guys.
New information: We’ve now slipped to 326,085th. You rotten bunch of arseholes. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you! Piss off.
Blogrot is proud to present a new look which is almost identical to the old look. Can you spot the difference?
Bloody hell, I think I’ve cracked it! Just when you thought blogrot couldn’t get any more irrelevant and half baked!
BLOGROT: NOW AVAILABLE AS A PODCAST!
I won’t be podcasting much – I’m really just doing it for the same reason a dog licks its balls. But there will be the occasional titbit, and you can even subscribe to it in iTunes or another player of your choice using this link:
Wogan… Cooke… Westwood… Pig on Wheels… ahhhh…
The ingrates over at the Guardian have started whining about the quality of comment they’re receiving. Talk about insensitive! They’re like the big fat rich kid who complains Santa brought him the wrong kind of robot while everyone else has to make do with darned socks again. Here at blogrot, way beyond the furthest flung edges of the “blogosphere”, we’re lucky if a comment drifts past every couple of months. Mostly, posting here is a lot like throwing messages in bottles off a remote desert island.
I’ve even thought about letting some of the spam comments through just to make the place look a bit more lively. Here’s one example I received yesterday from a chap named “jacksonville hotels”:
perpendiculars unrolling.agnostics nontransparent focusing!hotel rooms
An intriguing insight into a disturbed mind, especially with the accompanying URL which I’ve excised out of coyness. Mind you, if I had a name like that I imagine I’d be a bit odd.
Whoa! The all new-look blogrot is here, along with its new mascot, the moon-faced boy.
People who know what an RSS feed is can get the new one here. People who don’t should consider themselves fortunate.
I hope you like our new direction.
Top 10 search phrases that dumped the poor unwitting sods onto bitrot in January:
1. quis custodiet ipsos custodes
3. bubbles de vere
4. daily mail
5. jackie stallone
6. panto cow
8. gay superhero
9. pop3 webmail
I wonder how many of the last one were looking for Mr Turner instead of the ropey Tom Selleck drama?
No idea where “gay superhero” came from, unless it matches Liberal Democrats these days. Sadly, “it’s only a whale” only made it to 15 last month. Let’s see if you can do better in February.
Just tried to post the message below to your blog and got the restricted to team members response. What gives?
Come on Mark. This used to be a source of daily hilarity and now your posts have dribbled to a stand still. More, more posts I say. We the bored British public demand it.
Now I should point out here that Darren is not a man to be messed with. He doesn’t “play by the rules”. He’s the kind that eats his sandwiches by 10am then goes out for more. He just doesn’t care. He’s ruthless. Plus he once drove through Carrington, and that makes him hard too. Hard and ruthless. Ruthless and hard.
So, as a public response to Darren and our other reader, I’m going to try really hard to drivel on a bit more in future. In the meantime, might I suggest you try my other blog and just sort of think calm thoughts?
(Actually, now I read that back it’s actually two complaints in one, isn’t it? I think I’ll post more drivel and change identity, just to be on the safe side.)
That’s it – no crap turkey gags, no talking trees, just happy Christmas and thanks for showing an interest in my pointless gubbins. I’ll be raising the bar significantly in 2005 with some downright drivel.
A rare plug for a bitrot.net stable-mate: the Sneaky Dilbert Grabber now features forward and back buttons for easier Dilbert browsing.
It will be full of drivel.