Category Archives: Better Out Than In

People in glass houses shouldn’t blame global warming on other people

Blame

Blame, blame, blame – that’s all we seem to hear these days. So now we’re to blame for global warming too, according to the so-called “scientists”.

How would they like it if the boot was on the other foot? How would they feel about headlines like these?

Scientists Blamed For Boring Programmes On BBC Four
Scientists To Blame For Computers Not Working Properly, Say Humans
Scientists All Have Comb-Overs And Silly Beards

See? Not nice, is it. Maybe it’s time for the “scientists” to get their own house in order before they start criticising us humans.

Just for the record, my “woody” is my business and mine alone

Just had an e-mail, from some woman I’ve never even heard of, informing me that although she doesn’t care why my woody is so small, 83% of women do.

How the hell do they find out about these things? Has Mrs Blogrot been blabbing again? Is nothing sacred?

Just for the record: if you’re one of the 83% then I appreciate your thoughtfulness but it’s really none of your concern.

My tiny Woody - less than 2 inches tall but perfectly detailed
My tiny Woody – less than 2" tall but perfectly detailed

Mr Kipling doesn’t make exceedingly good cakes – he just dips sponge scourers in detergent

Do not, under any circumstance, eat a Mr Kipling Delightful Lemon Slice, for they are the work of the devil.

They are not delightful at all. And don’t be fooled by the slice of lemon depicted on the packaging. They have all the lemony goodness of a sponge scourer marinated in Fairy liquid.

Satan comes in the guise of a lemony cake, but is not lemony cake
Satan comes in the guise of a lemony cake, but is not lemony cake

Don’t be fooled as I was. Believe me, it’s better to just be fat.

Lemon drizzle my arse.

I have frittered this five pounds like a fool

Just spent £5 on 60 minutes of hot-spot wi-fi action in a hotel room. Here’s what I’ve chosen to do with this wondrous gift:

  1. Collected my e-mail (1 spam – I checked it earlier at work)
  2. Uploaded a video of the hotel shower cubicle to YouTube
  3. Checked my comments on Flickr (1 new comment)
  4. Reloaded YouTube a few times – video’s uploaded but not appearing yet
  5. Checked tonight’s TV listings (nothing on)
  6. Tried YouTube in another browser. Still not appearing.
  7. Posted this crap

If anyone has any better ideas please can you mail them to me in the next 14 minutes?

AOS: Blogrot withdraws revolutionary new information service

It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.

Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??

There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.

Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.

AOS orders dried up literally over night.

Knighthood not enough for you is it?

Smug git.

Open letter to the woman at Millie’s Cookies, Euston Station concourse, London

I felt I ought to write regarding that phrase I used earlier: “a tiny bit of milk”. You see, up where I’m from that has quite a specific meaning, namely: “just a very small quantity of milk”. In fact, you’ll often see it accompanied (as demonstrated earlier today by myself) by the thumb and forefinger held just a hair’s breadth apart, indicating smallness or sparsity.

It does not mean (as you appear to have interpreted it): “please take a tea-bag, wring it out under the tap, and then drop it into a cup of hot milk”. I accept that both phrases use the word “milk”, which perhaps is where the confusion arose. But there, as I think you’ll begin to see on closer examination, the similarity pretty much stops.

Can I take this opportunity to apologise for any distress caused by my vagueness on the milk issue, and to assure you that it will not happen again?

Thank you,

Pig on Wheels.