As a responsible member of the press I wholeheartedly condemn the disgraceful behaviour of the party I don’t support in consorting with Russian oligarchs on their yachts in warm climates and there conducting all manner of underhand and quite probably illegal activities. I am determined to get to the bottom of it.
At the same time, I am delighted to hear that the party I do support has conducted a thorough review of all its dealings with Russian oligarchs on their yachts and has found all allegations of impropriety to be entirely groundless. I trust this will be the end of the matter.
I hate to say I told you so but I think you’ll find I was warning you of the Icelandic terrorist threat back in December.
Of course it’s too late now. You just had to go flocking round Peston instead, didn’t you?
Peston my arse.
Hang on a minute… Obama’s just stated he “loves the people of this country”. God, this is so confusing.
VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN!
John McCain’s just confirmed he “believes in this country”. What more do you people want?
VOTE MCCAIN/PALIN!
A man with a plan, not a miracle cure. A striking change of tone. A speech delivered with gravitas and conviction, but shot through with a rich vein of humour. A natural born leader seizing the mantle of Mrs Thatcher. A man for all seasons. Nice totty for a wife. Our next Prime Minister.
That’s how a demented, blue-haired, swivel-eyed, octogenarian maniac might have described David Cameron’s smug, vapid, nauseating, disingenuous, pointless, dessicated husk of an address to the Tory party conference yesterday.
I, on the other hand, might have described it rather differently.