There was some fellow from Iceland on Radio 4 tonight going on about fisting quotas. Apparently there’s been too much fisting in the North Sea which has led to concerns that within as little as 10 years there will be no more fisting at all. It will just be impossible to fist.
Took me a while to realise he was talking about fishing. Honestly, they should teach them to speak properly before they let them on the radio. I’m having trouble sleeping now.
England midfielder Steven Gerrard stunned the world yesterday by announcing that, “England must deliver.”
“We need to score some goals, ideally more goals than we let the other team score,” said Gerrard to gasps from the attending media. “We need to do this by using the things at the end of our legs to bash that round thing towards the net with a big Russian standing in it, and then past the big Russian.”
The Liverpool star went on to explain how a game is made up of two parts, known as “halves”, and that a win against Russia would be “a win”.
“The lads have been learning really really hard how to play football,” he said, “and now I think we all realise that the aim is to win the game rather than to let the other team win it.”
Winning Is On The Whole Preferable To Not Winning: The Wisdom Of Steven Gerrard is available from Penguin, priced £8.99.
They’re those little orange flashy-type lights on the corners of your car. There’s usually a stick for them somewhere behind the steering wheel. Try to think back: I’m sure it was covered in your driving lessons.
Celebrity arsehole Gordon Ramsay has not, it transpires, been burning his meatballs. The greens have not been overcooked in his meat and two veg. He remains a novice in the preparation of Grilled Cod Surprise.
Pity.
Of all the acres of newsprint marking the death of Pavarotti I can’t find a single one that mentions the great man’s passion for elephants.
Let me be the first to rectify that situation.
A top UK judge made this astonishing pronouncement today, as pictured here by the BBC. He claims Q-Tips are a valuable source of protein and should be “force-fed to every man, woman and child in Britain”, along with beef brains and lead paint from China which apparently are “good for the backbone”.
See, this is how it goes with judges. One day they’re telling you you can’t do 90 in a built-up area, then it’s no murdering on week days, and before you know it’s all gone to their heads and they’re meddling in areas they know nothing about. These things should be left to experts such as Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott.
The country’s gone to the dogs. I no more want an overpaid drag queen in a bad wig to tell me what to eat than I would seek legal advice from Gillian McKeith.
This morning I have been mostly flinging the sloppy leather yam. You know, “burying the ol’ Nantucket flying pencil”. Roasting the lucky chicken.
etc.