I’ve decided not to go to the Diana thing today. The official line is that it “could divert attention from the purpose of the occasion”. The truth is that I couldn’t stand the woman and her kids keep staring at me every time I go for their dad’s crotch. It’s so humiliating.

I know one day the world will accept me, but until then I feel I’m best off stopping home, drinking gin and watching Cash In The Attic.