NEWS FLASH: JOHNSON RELEASED

The BBC was delighted to announce this morning that, after 114 days out of the public eye, Boris Johnson has been released back into the wild.

Johnson freed

The people of London described the announcement as “quite terrifying”, and like being “buried alive”.

Mr Johnson’s father, who has tirelessly campaigned for his son to be sent to the Middle East and chained to a radiator, was unavailable for comment.