Some of my greatest pleasure in life comes from the 1- and 2-star reviews of the Guardian film critic, Peter Bradshaw. The man’s inventiveness in the field of destructive criticism appears to know no bounds. I am therefore delighted to present the Blogrot Worst of 2006 Film Quiz. The object is quite simple: match the exquisite put down to the film at which it was aimed. There’s one 3-starrer in there too for good luck. All excerpts are taken from Peter Bradshaw’s reviews of 2006.

Excerpts

1. It is the biggest case of miscasting in history. Anyone, anyone, would have been better in this part. Steven Seagal would have been better. Janette Krankie would have been better.
2. This story could go on for 104 minutes or 104 aeons and it would make no difference.
3. One of the funniest and most astringent books of recent times has been turned into a film so embarrassingly awful I felt like putting a brown paper bag over my head and emitting a high-pitched keening sound.
4. Her final moments in this film are so hammy that any vegetarians present will come out in a rash. The prefix “over-” in “over-acting” doesn’t quite cover it. Her shriekingly tragic fate was something that I certainly won’t forget in a hurry. Many people in the audience had to be helped out of the auditorium, given a cup of hot, sweet tea and covered with those Bacofoil blankets. I myself will need years of therapy to get over it.
5. This treacly second world war drama is the sort of flaccid silliness that you’d expect to see on television with “ITV4″ in the corner of the screen.
6. There are some films so awful, of such insidious dishonesty and mediocrity, that their existence is a kind of scandal. [...] Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
7. These thesps look like the most terrifying water-based situation they have ever actually faced is when the Jacuzzi isn’t warm enough in their suite at the Four Seasons. XXXX, in particular, could do with a pair of waterwings, and he gives us every reason to suspect that his tummy scrapes the bottom of the pool when he assumes a horizontal position.
8. Chased for days and days, they do not need to eat or sleep or use sentences that ordinary human beings would use.
9. As the film continued, I personally began to bow my head in humility and self-knowledge. My pen slipped from my nerveless fingers and hot teardrops fell on my notepad, like a pure and cleansing rain, blurring the vindictive remarks I had scribbled. I was ashamed … ashamed … that I had ever given this incredible idiot anything approaching a good review.
10. One per cent of your time watching this may be spent being startled by some vivid and disturbing images. The other 99% will be spent thinking: what the hell is going on?
11. Never has a title been more horribly at odds with the way you’re actually going to feel while watching the movie.
12. Embarrassingly, she is made to say “loo” to show off some real limeyspeak. Perhaps she can be grateful she wasn’t given bad teeth.
13. Enough to make me want to put a brown paper bag over my head and whinny like a tormented pony.
14. As Sigmund Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a film with the silly but entertaining title of Snakes on a Plane, is just a silly but entertaining film about snakes on a plane.

Films

1. The Aryan Couple
2. Atomised
3. The Black Dahlia
4. The Da Vinci Code
5. The Devil Wears Prada
6. Eragon
7. A Good Year
8. The Grudge 2
9. The Guardian
10. Lady In The Water
11. Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer
12. Stay Alive
13. World Trade Center
14. Snakes On A Plane

There are no prizes, obviously. It’s the taking part that counts. For answers see the first comment.