Some of my greatest pleasure in life comes from the 1- and 2-star reviews of the Guardian film critic, Peter Bradshaw. The man’s inventiveness in the field of destructive criticism appears to know no bounds. I am therefore delighted to present the Blogrot Worst of 2006 Film Quiz. The object is quite simple: match the exquisite put down to the film at which it was aimed. There’s one 3-starrer in there too for good luck. All excerpts are taken from Peter Bradshaw’s reviews of 2006.
- It is the biggest case of miscasting in history. Anyone, anyone, would have been better in this part. Steven Seagal would have been better. Janette Krankie would have been better.
- This story could go on for 104 minutes or 104 aeons and it would make no difference.
- One of the funniest and most astringent books of recent times has been turned into a film so embarrassingly awful I felt like putting a brown paper bag over my head and emitting a high-pitched keening sound.
- Her final moments in this film are so hammy that any vegetarians present will come out in a rash. The prefix “over-” in “over-acting” doesn’t quite cover it. Her shriekingly tragic fate was something that I certainly won’t forget in a hurry. Many people in the audience had to be helped out of the auditorium, given a cup of hot, sweet tea and covered with those Bacofoil blankets. I myself will need years of therapy to get over it.
- This treacly second world war drama is the sort of flaccid silliness that you’d expect to see on television with “ITV4” in the corner of the screen.
- There are some films so awful, of such insidious dishonesty and mediocrity, that their existence is a kind of scandal. […] Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
- These thesps look like the most terrifying water-based situation they have ever actually faced is when the Jacuzzi isn’t warm enough in their suite at the Four Seasons. XXXX, in particular, could do with a pair of waterwings, and he gives us every reason to suspect that his tummy scrapes the bottom of the pool when he assumes a horizontal position.
- Chased for days and days, they do not need to eat or sleep or use sentences that ordinary human beings would use.
- As the film continued, I personally began to bow my head in humility and self-knowledge. My pen slipped from my nerveless fingers and hot teardrops fell on my notepad, like a pure and cleansing rain, blurring the vindictive remarks I had scribbled. I was ashamed … ashamed … that I had ever given this incredible idiot anything approaching a good review.
- One per cent of your time watching this may be spent being startled by some vivid and disturbing images. The other 99% will be spent thinking: what the hell is going on?
- Never has a title been more horribly at odds with the way you’re actually going to feel while watching the movie.
- Embarrassingly, she is made to say “loo” to show off some real limeyspeak. Perhaps she can be grateful she wasn’t given bad teeth.
- Enough to make me want to put a brown paper bag over my head and whinny like a tormented pony.
- As Sigmund Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a film with the silly but entertaining title of Snakes on a Plane, is just a silly but entertaining film about snakes on a plane.
- The Aryan Couple
- The Black Dahlia
- The Da Vinci Code
- The Devil Wears Prada
- A Good Year
- The Grudge 2
- The Guardian
- Lady In The Water
- Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer
- Stay Alive
- World Trade Center
- Snakes On A Plane
There are no prizes, obviously. It’s the taking part that counts. For answers see the first comment.