OK, OK, so British Airways planes are all jam-packed with lethal Soviet Polonium-210 alpha particles, but it’s not like it’s all bad news, is it? I mean, at least the staff aren’t wearing religious jewellery.
Sometime you just have to take the rough with the smooth.
Photo: the red-eye to New York yesterday, so called because your eyes will go red and then fall out.
Just spent £5 on 60 minutes of hot-spot wi-fi action in a hotel room. Here’s what I’ve chosen to do with this wondrous gift:
If anyone has any better ideas please can you mail them to me in the next 14 minutes?
Here’s something for you to have a play with because I know you only come here when you’re bored. Click the mouse as you go.
(There’s a flash object here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. Visit the website instead.)
Or you can go large at jacksonpollock.org.
Irish crooner Chris de Burgh has paid 30 grand for the chest-burster from Alien. (Chris is the one at the top.)
He also has a £14,000 letter from WWI, special healing hands and Miss World for a daughter. I’m telling you, this guy puts the RRROCK! back into rock star.
Rumour has it that Chris has written a special version of his hit song Lady In Red for his little alien, entitled Lady in John Hurt:
Lady In John Hurt
I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I’ve never seen you shine so bright
Mm-mm mm-mmmmI’ve never seen so many men have to hold me down while I died
With you bursting out from inside
Then running off to hideI have never even really noticed
How you look just like a horse’s cock with teeth
You’re beyond beliefThe Lady in John Hurt is hatching in me, little freak
There’s nobody here
It’s just you and me, and-some-blokes-and-Sigourney (Weaver)
But I hardly know this beauty in my insides
I’ll never forget the way you made my chest burst open and all my blood squirt out
I didn’t say it was finished yet but it’ll be done for Christmas.
That’s the title of my forthcoming book, a sort of “what if?” confession to a crime I was accused of in childhood but always denied. My accusers have never accepted my innocence but this way I’ll have the last laugh. In the book I reveal that, had I been the actual perpetrator of this incident, I would have made sure the evidence got properly melted down, wouldn’t have left those gloves covered in bits of Meccano in my car, and would never have engaged in a high-speed pursuit with my Dad like that on national TV.
I would say more but my publicist has urged me not to before the book is out and I’ve been on a few chat shows.
I know we’re not supposed to judge people by their appearance, but honestly, would you let this woman look after your children?
She looks well dodgy to me. Her big dark pixels are too close together.
The wicked moral rot of the Democrats continues its relentless march into all spheres of public life. Today it was Nick Robinson on Radio 4’s PM.
I could barely believe my ears:
Ministers and civil servants when you talk to them privately aren’t thinking about the beginning on today this Queen’s speech, they’re thinking: when’s he off and when’s the nude guy coming.
I’ve always thought very highly of Robinson in the past, but now I can see he’s just as demented and sex-crazed as the rest of them. I can hardly close my eyes without falling prey to the vilest images of him, knocking on my entrance with his Black Rod and such like.
And to think children could have been listening! Thank God ours prefer Radio 3.
Seen today on the BBC News:
Lead story: Scores seized from Baghdad office
Also in the news: Giant truffle snapped up for £85,000
Really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean, who wants to read about stolen sheet music when some Chinese lunatic has just spent the price of a new Jag on a fungus that looks like the Elephant Man’s head?
Get over yourselves, BBC.
It’s so rare nowadays that we get to share the tender moment when a young man wakes up beside the dinosaur he’s just slept with. Cherish it.
(There’s a YouTube video here that you won’t see on the RSS feed. View it on the website instead.)
(A dinosaur-sized “big-up” to this chap for finally providing the means to post bilge from YouTube on blogrot.)
I just signed up for MySpace - not for one of their poxy horrible “blog” things, you understand, purely for experimentation purposes. Anyway, you’ve got to admire their efforts to keep the web free of colour blind people. Just imagine that - the colour blind preying on your kiddies and everything. It’s enough to make the flesh creep.
Update: It’s all a con! Celebrity colour blind Dairy-Arse is on there! I take it all back: MySpace is a nest of vipers. The colour blind are EVERYWHERE. Be vigilant.
Dairy-Arse hatching his evil colour blind plans online yesterday.
The world faces a terrifying and uncertain future today as the United States falls into the hands of pro-terror, anti-life lunatics. Wanton debauchery will surely follow. Listen to the podcast to hear leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi calling for a “nude erection” in Iraq. Meanwhile at a victory rally Democrats show al-Qaeda how America will be waging its “war on terror” from now on: gay men with water pistols.
Thank God we still have David Cameron otherwise all might truly be lost.
I was full of hope yesterday for a bright new future for the cow people, but it seems it is not to be. The Daily Mail leader column was typical of the general mood, speaking of “driving these ghastly bovine chimeras to the sea where we will drown them like cats”. For me it’s the 99.9% human that’s important, but some people just can’t see past the 0.1% cow.
It seems that a true multicultural society remains, for the cow people at least, the stuff of political rhetoric and fanciful photographic trickery.
It’s a tricky one this one, but I am assured these are two different shots.
It is with regret and great sadness that blogrot announces the withdrawal of AOS (Any Old Shite), its revolutionary new information service for the 21st century and beyond.
Can it really be mere coincidence that just one day after the launch of AOS, His Lord Sir Professor Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of computers and the internet, chose to warn of the dangers of misinformation spreading via blogs??
There is a great danger that [the internet] becomes a place where untruths start to spread more than truths.
Well duh! That’s the whole point, Tim! For that glorious 24 hours they were like putty in my hand! Here’s how it works, OK: you get your knighthood, then you keep your nose out of other people’s business and give the rest of us a fair crack of the whip. This is people’s livelihoods you’re playing with here.
AOS orders dried up literally over night.
Smug git.
I decided to have a go today of that information-by-text-message service, AQA (Any Question Answered). Here’s the question I texted to 63336:
Does the Salford Quays millennium bridge open/tilt to let boats through? If so, when?
And here’s the reply I received around an hour later, having parted with £1:
AQA: The Gateshead Millennium Bridge Tilt times are at 11.05am,12.30pm and 5.00pm today, but the times change. You can contact 01914775380 for details.
Readers unfamiliar with the geography of the United Kingdom may wish to consult the following helpful diagram before continuing.
One pound. A quid. 100 pence. No kidding.
However, where the ordinary man in the street sees a rip-off, blogrot sees a business opportunity. We are therefore proud to launch…
AOS - Any Old Shite
Simple text your question to 74483 (that’s SHITE on your phone keypad) and for just 90p we’ll respond within the next couple of hours with whatever takes our fancy. That’s a whopping 10% saving on our closest rivals, AQA.