Imagine a little hairy foot, stamping on a troll’s face, forever

Warning: May contain traces of plot and character developmentLord help us: Tolkein’s putting a new book out. Apparently he was still alive when he wrote the other stuff but I’m pretty certain his death won’t have upset his delicate balance of page-turning pace and witty characterisations.

It goes without saying that the book is very long and about hobbits.

Peter Jackson is en route to New Zealand as we speak to get enough material for another 15-hour epic “in the can” before he dies of old age. His filming schedule is thought to look something like this:

  • Film some hairy children jumping on and off horses
  • Film old bloke holding staff aloft/spreading arms/bellowing
  • Knock up vast monster army on computer
  • Film hairy children hiding under big leaves
  • Film old bloke/hairy children fighting giant creature
  • Do scenes of vast monster army marching, fighting, grunting, etc.
  • Film hairy children going into some sort of tavern
  • Big battle scene with vast monster army: kill off old bloke
  • Film hairy children hiding behind a rock
  • As soon as book is published: Add titles, arrange shots into sequence, dub mumbo-jumbo dialogue

I can barely contain my excitement.