Monthly Archives: September 2006

You are a devious toad, Beverley Hughes

As seen on BBC Radio 4Fame beckons at last! I was broadcast live across the nation tonight as I asked the final question on Radio 4′s Any Questions. Needless to say it was well worth the wait: a cracking little number that blindsided the entire panel and had each and every one of them by the metaphorical goolies. Having said that, the answer from Beverley Hughes was as despicable a piece of ministerial weaselry as I have ever heard.

You can catch the whole programme this week on the website, or during the repeat on Radio 4 tomorrow (Saturday 30th), 1.10-2.00pm. I shall be making a personal copy during that time, the very last portion of which may or may not accidentally make its way into the blogrot podcast. We’ll see.

Update: the pod is cast! The question referred to Two Jabs’ shocking use of the “s-word” at the Labour Party conference in Manchester. Unlike Prezza, though, none of the panel quite managed to move the audience to tears with their answers.

I particularly enjoyed Conservative front bencher Alan Duncan’s apology for the absence of Conservative MPs up here… speaking, as he was, in the heart of a Tory constituency.

Another update: for the next few weeks you’ll also find a transcript here.

Imagine a little hairy foot, stamping on a troll’s face, forever

Warning: May contain traces of plot and character developmentLord help us: Tolkein’s putting a new book out. Apparently he was still alive when he wrote the other stuff but I’m pretty certain his death won’t have upset his delicate balance of page-turning pace and witty characterisations.

It goes without saying that the book is very long and about hobbits.

Peter Jackson is en route to New Zealand as we speak to get enough material for another 15-hour epic “in the can” before he dies of old age. His filming schedule is thought to look something like this:

  • Film some hairy children jumping on and off horses
  • Film old bloke holding staff aloft/spreading arms/bellowing
  • Knock up vast monster army on computer
  • Film hairy children hiding under big leaves
  • Film old bloke/hairy children fighting giant creature
  • Do scenes of vast monster army marching, fighting, grunting, etc.
  • Film hairy children going into some sort of tavern
  • Big battle scene with vast monster army: kill off old bloke
  • Film hairy children hiding behind a rock
  • As soon as book is published: Add titles, arrange shots into sequence, dub mumbo-jumbo dialogue

I can barely contain my excitement.

A fistful of twenties

It’s often claimed that Western civilisation’s “Big Leap Forward” was when Albert Einstein invented the number zero, and so it’s a source of much bafflement to commentators that the numeracy fad has never caught on in France. Let me illustrate with a recent conversation from my holidays, which I have translated into English for your convenience:

- So, how much is that then?
- Ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven, sir.
- You mean… seventeen Euros ninety-seven?
- That’s right, sir: ten and seven Euros plus four score and ten and another seven.

What the hell is that all about? They might as well be using binary. It’s no wonder they can’t handle advanced counting systems such as quarts, ounces and furlongs. It is for this precise reason that we never let them into the Commonwealth and they’ve hated us for it ever since.

zidane.jpg
Famous Frenchman Zinedine Zidane, seen here playing in the “Number Two Threes Plus Two Plus the Square Root of Four” shirt.

Going hoff the boil?

What’s this? No sign of Diana on the Express front page??

What no Queen of Hearts?

Have they no heart? But wait… what have we over here? Why, if it isn’t the Daily Star, the Express’s special stablemate for those who prefer their daily wad of rat piss unburdened by small print and sentences:

Found her! Here she is, pursuing a 'Knight ride' with the Hoff

Britain owes a debt of thanks to Richard Desmond for getting this remarkable scoop to us by whatever means available, and bonus points for not cheapening the Express in the process. I do wonder though if anyone’s warned the Star about those £100 fines.

Revenge killings

Diana (visibly upset) and the unfortunately named Dr Bone yesterdayAustralia has been hit by a wave of vigilante revenge killings on stingrays following the death of Steve Irwin.

I had no idea the Daily Express was even sold down under, but clearly it is because these people are Express readers or I’m Mickey Mouse. The Express, of course, plays it all Gordon Brown today and brushes off any suggestions of involvement. Instead it leads where Newsnight will surely follow, with Diana’s tears as she helped bury friend’s baby at palace* and Back at work, the sex change gynaecologist.

* (says Burrell)

Another great day for science

Scientists have proved beyond reasonable doubt that when motorists pass a bearded cyclist in a white coat and wearing a long wig, they give him a wide berth. White van drivers come a little closer (apparently they get off on that kind of thing) whilst Chelsea tractors practically veer into oncoming traffic to avoid it.

It’s all meant to tell us something about cycle helmets but anyone who says they can’t see the metaphor here is just fooling themselves.

Twisting the knife/stingray’s pointy thing

They say that his response to that Diana thing was the making of him, but just look how quickly Blair pushes Steve Irwin off the front pages to peddle his own obscene agenda. Mark my words, these are his true colours coming through now.

For God’s sake man, don’t you know your people are in mourning??

Blair
Blair dresses as a crocodile to trample
on Irwin’s grave yesterday

Unexpected item in the bagging area

Will Smith attempts to buy a bag of apples yesterdayPlease remove the item.

Item removed from bagging area: please replace the item or press Cancel Item.

Unexpected item in the bagging area.

etc.

A conversation with a robot this morning. I don’t think we need to worry about them taking over the world until they can at least expect us to buy a loaf of bread in Sainsburys.

I’ll give them this though, they appear to have a highly developed sense of irony.