Phlegm, Luminous Phlegm!

I’m currently in the simultaneous throes of a nasty cold and a dose of conjunctivitis. Call me slow, but I’ve never considered the potential of this rare combination before. I don’t know, I just seem to have had other things on my mind. Anyway, I went to see the optician this morning, during the course of which she put a drop of yellow dye in each eye. But even then the wonderful synergy of my interconnected illnesses did not occur to me. No, it wasn’t until an hour or so later that the joy was revealed to mine own eyes when, during a particularly harsh coughing fit, out slid a slippery gobbet of luminous yellow phlegm!

stabilo.jpgLuminous yellow, you hear! Not just greeny-yellow like your everyday, common-or-garden lung butter. This was Stabilo Boss yellow, and a beautiful thing it was. Sadly I disposed of it before I thought to get my camera out but I’ve included a picture of a highlighter pen to give you the gist of it. Somehow even that fails to capture it though.*

For the rest of the day I’ve had a little ditty going round my head to the tune of Food, Glorious Food:

Phlegm, luminous phlegm!
Looks rather like custard.
Pure, glittering gem!
Yellower even than mustard!

There’ll be more, I’m just getting the chorus right first. I’ve got this great vision of a stage full of urchins with their little gruel bowls, chirping away for another glimpse of the lemon-yellow slug recently coughed up by their runny-eyed master. You’ve seen Oliver!, now see Bacterial Conjunctivitis! The Musical. No, wait: The Mucusal!

Man, this is going to be huge…

* Update: it looked a lot like one of these.

One thought on “Phlegm, Luminous Phlegm!

  1. HAHA! I’ve had a phlegmy chest cold for the past few days and have been singing “Phlegm, glorious phlegm”. Makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one out there….
    Your version rocks though! Man, this is gunna annoy everyone even more 😀

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