phones4u.gifPhones4U is a shitty horrible chain of mobile phone shops in the UK. Their sales assistants must be on 100% commission because you can’t get more than a yard into one of their garish hell-hole shops without being ambushed by at least two of them. I went in once for a bean-on-a-string handsfree kit (cost: £4.99). I was met at the threshold by two chaps who wanted to know how they might serve me today. “I’d like a handsfree kit for a Nokia Whatever-it-was, please,” I said. “Not a Bluetooth one, though. Not even a Nokia one. Just your cheapest tangly-nasty-wire-type-one.”

“No problem, sir,” said No. 1, lunging between me and No. 2. “Come on in, the water’s lovely.”

Honestly, he really did.

I bet that night he told someone how he’d “closed the sale at four nine nine”, conveniently omitting the decimal point. Actually, no: I bet that night he sat eating a microwave lasagne for one and imagined telling someone he’d closed the sale at four nine nine.

No, wait – I bet he told the lasagne.

One day when I’m really bored I’m going to set myself a challenge to touch the back wall of Phones4U and get all the way out again without being asked whether I need any help there mate.